30 November 2008

Sunday Randomness

The Boy has this Fisher Price nativity set. It's cute and he can do the whole crèche thing without mucking up the good set. We were watching TV last night and I looked over and had to say, "Dude, get the BVM's (that's Blessed Virgin Mary to the uninitiated) head out of your mouth." I figured we'd keep those germs where they belong a little respect was due and just yuck...I have to touch those things.

He promptly tossed her across the room.

The Wife said, "Now why did you go and throw the B...um...Mary across the room?" (Points for me for almost getting The Wife to say 'BVM.')

The Boy dutifully walked over and retrieved it. Now the Fisher Price figurines have a sort of indentation in the bottom so you can place them on Fisher Price People Posts so they don't fall out of FP vehicles and crap while you're playing with them. You can also do this with cherubs:

FPPP-crop

He's an angel; he can take it. He even seems to mildly enjoy it...

Anyway, I look over and he's got the BVM up to his mouth again. Here's where you should all be proud of me:

What I wanted to say: "Get your tongue out of Mary's hole."

What I said: "Yeesh, can you just put that down somewhere?"

That just cant be right. He's too young for confession, but I think he owes one for that. If I were pope, I could look it up in the Vatican Database of Crap You Need to Confess for, but I have to wait until I get elected pope before I can access that.

Technically she would still be a virgin though, right?

===========

I was talking to my dad on the phone the other day and we were wondering where all the parents were to guide their kids when they went and signed loans for a 300k house on a 50k a year salary.

Ole Man Heinous: "They were probably too damn scared they would alienate their kids."

Me: "I thought that was our job."

We laughed our asses off. Father of the year, that's me.

===========

My son was out playing with his friends in the snow the other day. He came in the house to warm up.

Me: "Dude, where are your snow pants?" (He had jeans on underneath thanks to all the forces that keep me sane)

The Boy: "I don't know."

*blink*

Me: "How can you not know? You had to take them off...correct? And they're pants...they don't blow off like a hat, right?"

The Boy: "Oh, that's right"

Zip, he was out the door. I don't even try to understand anymore.

===========

A little captcha love:

reambo

This would have been a completely different movie. I'm thinking Stallone's career wouldn't have survived.

 

blerfsk

If you get the stomach flu and record yourself, I bet you'll hear yourself making this sound at some point.

That's it! Go enjoy your Sunday people.

 

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48 comments:

Michele said...

First!

OMG, I laughed so hard at the BVM thingy that I think I woke up the husband. That's Okay. He'll go right back to sleep.

Mel said...

I can't believe I'm first on your blog. You made me laugh. Which is good because I feel like crap today. See that second screen capture. Thanks!

Momma Trish said...

From now on, I'm totally using the word "blerfsk" for violent fits of vomiting.

And I would have said "Get your tongue out of Mary's hole". And then thought about what I'd just said. And then blogged it later. 'Cause I have no foresight. At all.

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm thinking you wrote the "Mary's hole" bit after church, otherwise you'd probably still be smoking from the freak snow and lightning storm.

Paige said...

That is hardly the first violation the BVM has suffered---there was that whole virgin birth thing that I bet freaked her out more.

But what do I know

Kat said...

I admire your restraint. I don't know if I could have resisted. Have a good Sunday!

Heinous said...

Michele: Well, as long as he gets back to sleep.

Mel: Sorry to hear about you feeling under the weather. Get well :)

Trish: No one's ever accused me of foresight ;)

Cap'n: I may have to skip church today because of that.

Paige: Yeah, what a way to devirginize.

Kat: You do the same!

Vodka Mom said...

tag. you're it.

now i'll go back and read.

Vodka Mom said...

I am LOL at your conversation with the kid. OMG. That was damn funny.

Braja said...

You back on that "what I'll do when I'm Pope" racket again? Get on with it already, would ya??

Diane said...

DAMN! I didn't remember my rule about no tea during the reading of Jim's blog. So, Mr. Techie, do you know how to dry out a laptop keyboard really quickly?

And PS... it hurt... tea through the nose always hurts.

Blarney said...

I am so glad I put my cup of coffee down for that one. ;)

April said...

hoping to avoid any and all blerfsking!!! LOL

Kristy said...

That's hysterical!

Ann's Rants said...

With only one hole, I suppose the BVM could claim virginity for life. Convenient...

creative kerfuffle said...

hysterical, as usual--bvm! i love that. but the part about the snow pants! holy crap what is it w/ kids and those answers? mine are 11 and 9 and i STILL get those answers!!!

Dory said...

Awwww, maaaaannnnnn... you just ain't right! ;)
Dory

Casey said...

Ha, that poor Mary. I guess it doesn't count since there was no pen... WAIT, I can't finish the sentence since we're talking about a kid and the virgin Mary. Well, the "goes to third base" Mary. Either way, it's not right.

Nice Captcha love, it's been getting me all the time lately... there's gotta be some Captcha wizard behind the curtain f'ing with my head.

bernthis said...

Love your stories. I really get a big kick out of them. You really sound like a great dad.

bernthis said...

Love your stories. I really get a big kick out of them. You really sound like a great dad.

Cape Cod Gal said...

HA! HA! I can only imagine what would happen if we had one of those at my house. The BVM would be driving a race car and the angel would be sliding down a slide somewhere. Doesn' Fisher Price know any better!

Ann's Rants said...

I'm back to say thank you for visiting my blog, and I truly appreciate your supporting annsrants as a follower.

mo.stoneskin said...

I would probably have misspelt blerfsk. In fact, I pretty much misspell every single image verification word that comes my way.

The Daily Blonde said...

"I don't know" is a common answer from my 13 year old son. Always misplacing something that's not SMALL...like a coat or his sneakers. I mean how do you get to the door with these things on and then not be able to find them 2 seconds later?

Hmmmm

DeeMarie said...

Priceless! Blerfsk... yep. Definitely heard that sound before.
You are so Father of the Year.

justsomethoughts... said...

i think "blerfsk" is the sound the BVM made when your son did what he did.

i think we will all go to hell for one reason or another....

Barrie said...

Popped over from Vodka Mom's blog. Love your blog! Parenting certainly can be straaange!

Robin said...

Visiting from Heather's. Laughing SO hard at your "Mary's hole" line... and I'm a nice Jewish girl, too! Is that wrong?
:) Robin

Heinous said...

Debbie: Thanks. He brings out the humor without fail.

Braja: It's a campaign strategy.

Diane: Is it dry yet? The laptop, not the nose.

Blarney: I'll try to get you next time.

Kristy: I just call them as I see them :)

Ann: Oh sure, she had it easy. Thank you so much for coming by.

CK: Oh no, I thought it would end.

Dory: That's a good thing.

Casey: Lol..Mary got to third.

bern: Thank you. I try my best.

CCG: They set us up with that one.

mo: Thankfully they give us more than one shot. Thank you for coming by.

Cheryl: At least I'm not alone in this.

DeeMarie: Now to convince The Boy of that.

jst: We'll have good company.

Barrie: Thank you for coming by. I'm glad you liked it.

Robin: No, there's nothing wrong with that. You're probably much safer. Thank you for coming by.

Bee said...

My niece has the same Nativity set. When she was about 2-3 (who knows, when they're shorter than I am it just doesn't matter much) she had them in the tub with her. All of sudden my sister hears "Oh no! I lost Mary! Mommy Mary is drowning mommy!" So yeah, she needs to answer for attempted murder.

Sprite's Keeper said...

We have the Noah's Ark set. We're waiting for the FP people to come out with a Festivus set. It can happen..

King of New York Hacks said...

Why? Why? Why are you not a reality show yet? Hilarious stuff bro.Keep it coming.

Tony said...

dude, you better have them throw some marshmellows in the coffin when you die, 'cause you know you're going straight to hell for that one - I may use that BVM thing though :-)

The Stiletto Mom said...

If you are up for some papal election...this may MAY (read will) come back to haunt you for sure. I'd still vote for you...but then again...I'm not a cardinal so this helps you not at all.

Lori said...

first time visitor, (ftv if you will...) and laughed my butt off!

we must be sharing custody of the same son, because the story of the little people could have been my son...

thanks for the laugh!
will be back!

Zip n Tizzy said...

If I'm remembering correctly, Stalone DID have a few movies that warranted that title...
(Not that I saw them... I was what, 7?)
Anywho, I've now got Christmas music, and the the little peoples theme song competing for attention in my head.
Too, funny!

Kylie w Warszawie said...

My kids have that same creche. It's the only one that comes out a Christmas because they broke pieces off my good one.

I'm pretty sure that blogger starting using these word verifications so that we would all have blog fodder.

Nap Warden said...

OMG...someone needs to say some Hail Marys after that exchange!

Mama Dawg said...

I don't know what made me laugh harder, Mary's hole or the missing snow pants.

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

Wow fisher price should never make a Nativity set it just wrong on all levels of play.

My cap a min ago was nappooh ...LOL could use one

goodfather said...

We had some blerfsk going on over here during the Thanksgiving weekend. Not fun.

This entire post is hilarious.

On a related note, I have an award for you over at my blog. :D

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Yes, she definitely still qualifies as a virgin, because the rule is that something other than a tongue or a finger is inserted to break the cherry (and the whole "just the tip" thing doesn't count either, in case you were wondering if you broke that girl's virginity in 10th grade).

You crack me up. And my son does the whole "losing things randomly and then playing dumb" so don't feel bad. It seems there is some black hole somewhere that is filled with hats, socks, gloves, underwear (yes, I said underwear) that have disappeared off the face of the earth with no explanation.

Children. Can't live with 'em, can't tie 'em up.

Heinous said...

Bee: Baby Jesus can help. He can walk on water after all.

Jen: I'll make a prototype pole for the R&D guys.

King: I don't know what all those cameras would do to the boy's ego.

Tony: I hadn't thought of the marshmallow angle. That would be too damn funny at the funeral. "Why are all those marshmallows in there?" "Because Jim never stopped being a smartass."

Mary Anne: We can sneak you in as a cardinal. A little red and a funny hat...

Lori: Boys. Aren't they great? Thank you so much for coming by.

ZnT: You're right on the Stallone movies. You should go rent them for the holidays.

Kylie: We figured that out before he broke our good one.

NW: Okay, I'll be back in five.

Mama: If she had been wearing snow pants, we wouldn't have had this problem.

Carrie: I think they knew this. I have no proof.

goodfather: Sorry to hear about the blerfsk. I'm coming over to your blog.

Petra: She was nowhere near a virgin...um..never mind. Off to untie the boy.

Krystal said...

ROFLMAO!!! Even though I am late, this is still funny!!!

Cat said...

Love the new header. Little plastic Mary has nothing to fear, tongue is so totally not breaking the seal.

Debbie said...

Proof that your posts hold up well even two weeks later. This is great. Love the BVM. I have noticed that the word verification seems to be giving me great stuff - often better than the post I'm commenting on. Not here, of course.

Heinous said...

Krystal: and I'm late in responding ;)

Cat: Thanks and if he does break that seal, he's going to make someone very happy later in life.

Debbie: Thank you. I've been cursed by the verification gods recently.

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