09 November 2008

Church, it does a blog good.

Every time I think, "There's no way I can possibly get more material from church," all I have to do is pull up and get proven wrong.
So I get to church and try to park...evidently the Pope issued a special edict that Catholics no longer have to park between the lines. This is good for me. I like special treatment like that. Of course, I'm pretty sure this is the same reason Martin Luther broke away...no spot for his damn horse.
We were late, so The Wife likes to pull the 'baby room' trick in an attempt fool Father into thinking we weren't really late. Whatever. We get there and there was this little girl. She was a cutie but she was non stop. Non. Stop. Srsly. If at one point she would have stopped and had to cut and snort another line of coke to keep going I would not have been shocked. She had those little girl shoes too. They made this sound on the floor: *thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* one way and *thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* the other way. Mom just let her go.
It's okay. It's my church and I expect this.
During the homily (I had to look that up, I was going to call it a 'sermon' but my acute Catholic senses told me that was wrong. Saved by 40 years of nigh paying attention.) Father was blathering on about something but it was hard to pay attention with all the *thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* one way and *thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* the other way. He also has an accent so what follows is totally not my fault.
Anyway, Father said the word 'basilica' at some point. With all the distractions though I heard this:


GODZILLICA!
RUN! It's the church come to strike you down with holy Jeebus fire! Repent now mofos! (I'm fairly certain that's how the pope refers to non-Catholics.)
Think how useful the Godzillica would have been during the crusades though. You could worship inside and then go kick some ass. Take THAT heathens!
The good thing about me mishearing something like this is that it burns a good 10 minutes of church while my little mind turns it over and over.
About this time another little girl, with a much lighter step, comes in and we start having a race around the baby room. Lil Miss Speedball was winning by a mile until:
*thump* *thump* *thump* *thump*...*WHUD*
Yeah, the ump says she was 'safe.'
She bounced right back up in time for mommy to actually dart forward -- Hey! Nice ink mommy! You're gonna need a lot of butt spackle to patch that crack though. -- and grab her girl. She held her around the waist, but I was pretty certain that anything less than a full-nelson wasn't going to do it. Nope, she was out of the pit in record time.
The Wife and The Boy left around this time. I assumed it was to go potty. Then about five minutes later I saw them heading up to the altar for the Holy Ritz.
Wha? Did I miss a memo? You leave me in here with speed racer and her mommy -- who I noted was wearing socks with her peep toed shoes. Is it me or is that wrong? -- and head off for crunchity waferness?
She got back and I leaned over. "You ditched me! No cookie for me today."
She just started laughing. See? Even The Wife works against me in church. How am I supposed to get all holy with all this material flying around?

53 comments:

The Stiletto Mom said...

She shoots, she scores....first again!!!! Wee Hoooooo!!!

The Stiletto Mom said...

Butt spackle....heh heh....love that.

Also? The world homily always sounded like a member of the legume family to me. I still don't get it (scratches head and walks away...)

Paige said...

You are right--socks with open toed shoes are an abomination, as are pantyhose with such shoes. How do people not KNOW this?

Kirsten said...

You're so wrong! Socks with your peep toed shoes are so in now!

Diane said...

I thought homily was cereal... like oatmeal.

I think you're lucky you don't get struck down by holy Jeebus fire every time you set your heathen butt in church, mister. One day I'm gonna be watching the news and there's gonna be a report about a guy who got struck by lightning INSIDE a Catholic church in PA and I'm gonna go, "Yup, Jeebus finally got him."

Vodka Mom said...

You can fry the homily? Like Paula Deen does? I do like me some fried homily......

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

oh my, you have me so worried about your sorry Catholic ass totally getting struck down for your sacreligious posts Daddy-o. Am I going to have to do some Hail Mary's for you? I will, just in case. Cause I'm definitely the heathen you want praying for your soul. You're welcome.

Cape Cod Gal said...

This is totally why I sleep in on Sunday and don't go to church!

Cat said...

The picture of Godzillica! Can I use that for my desktop background? I'm not even Catholic - shit, I'm not ANYTHING -and that cracked me up. I would have tripped the little clod stomper and taped her to the floor while she was down.

Marinka said...

I'm praying for you. Or maybe preying.

Heinous said...

Mary Anne: Once again, the elite commenter. mmm...collard greens and homily. Sounds tatsy.

Paige: I do not know. I'm a guy and noticed.

Kirsten: You'll excuse me if I remain skeptical.

Diane: (Hah! gotcha this time) I'll certainly deserve it.

Deb: Lotsa butter...

Petra: Thanks babe, I feel much safer now.

CCG: I'm an every other week goer. I get some weekends off.

Cat: All yours. It's my elite photoshop skills isn't it ;)

Marinka: I'll take whatever I can get.

Jamie said...

I was going to write something funny and creative here but I am going to hang my head in shame and go take off my socks and my peep toed shoes.

Maternal Mirth said...

"If at one point she would have stopped and had to cut and snort another line of coke to keep going I would not have been shocked."

The image of a little Mary-janed devil snorting coke is priceless. Sheer poetry, pal.

for a different kind of girl said...

I think the fact that I have a bum knee that has slowed me down lately is the reason why I've been relegated to the preschool room. The kids are still fast, but they just want to go to the bathroom all the time.

Also, at my church, apparently since it's gotten colder, the Christians can't park in parking spaces at all. It's just a line of cars close to the door.

Sprite's Keeper said...

"The Holy Ritz"
I think I have a crush...

Khadra said...

I think I could use a godzillica to keep the kids in line.

Captain Dumbass said...

What happened to my comment? Freakin blogger. Godzillica is beautiful. I'm sure the Vatican will be calling with a job offer soon.

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

I just got off the phone with the Pope ( he said he loves the "holy Ritz" idea and might be willing to forgive you for your bad behavior if he could use that in his next ad campaign ..'toe' attract new member's)

goodfather said...

Heh heh, butt spackle. Snort.

Godzillica is awesome. Great use of Photoshop Elements :D.

Heinous said...

Jamie: No, no, it looks great on you.

MM: lol...something had to be keeping her going ;)

fadkog: There's a idea, a drive-in church. Parking and no kids running.

Jen: It goes with everything!

Khadra: When rewards don't do it, there's always fire and brimstone.

Cap'n: I'll make sure not to put them to voice mail.

Carrie: Sweet. That's sounds like a free ride to me.

goodfather: apply gently though ;)

Jane! said...

I am always amazed how our church can be totally empty - except for some seniors - when the chimes start, and totally full by the time they finish. We are lucky if people don't park on the lawn.
Getting OUT of the parking lot is one big Catholic demolition derby.

HeatherPride said...

So much hilarity in one post! Godsillica laying the heathen smack down? The fact that a man actually noticed black socks w/ peep toe pumps and realized it was wrong?? But spackling???

You're the best!

Mel said...

Thanks for the 2nd giggle fit I've had at work in a week! And, I'm pretty sure next time I happen to wander into a church (or listen to my uncle talk) and hear about the pits of hell, I'm going to be picturing Godzillica. Which is just asking for more giggles.

Sass said...

Hilarious.

I actually had to do my very first EVER reading at church yesterday. And there were 500 people there to hear me go...

blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahthewordofthelord.

I read so fast I don't remember a word of it.

And nearly vomited.

Ahhh...memories.

Sass said...

Ooh, and I forgot to add...I hate when people walk back from communion chewing their little snack crackers like it's filet mignon. I always want to take a bite and say..."hmm...coulda used some more salt."

I'm going to a bad place someday, aren't I. It's okay. I'll save you a seat. ;)

Heinous said...

Jane: They're sneaky like that...

Heather: I have such acute fashion sense.

Mel: It's fun to picture Godzillica stomping around a neighborhood too.

Sass: Congrats! I couldn't do it, I'd make too easy a target. As long as we can blog from there, I'm okay with it.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Someone needs to do something about Stiletto Mom. She's out of control.

Godzilica! On the floor laughing. Between that and the Holy Ritz it took a good five minutes to stop laughing long enough to comment.

Classic.

AngieSS said...

I bet when you started this blog you never realized how much humor could be found while attending church.

Hahaha...Godzillica!

Dory said...

[insert unbearably witty repartee HERE so as to make stellar first impression]

:D

Kristy said...

Sorry, i couldn't get past the butt spackle...that was hilarious!

Lola said...

Homily? You're good, man, very good. I would have called it a sermon, but that's to be expected from such a bad Catholic as myself. I can't even have the Holy Ritz since I wasn't confirmed.

As for the peeps with socks, I saw on a morning show that that look is considered fashionable these days. Makes my eyes bleed, personally!

Momma Trish said...

I just about fell off the couch when I saw the picture of Godzillica. Blogging gold, man!

Kat said...

While driving out in the countryside of Missouri today I was about to start writing down words of wisdom that I saw on all the old country church billboards we saw today. They were quite enlightening and funny.

Godzillica...hehehehhehehee

Heinous said...

Jen: She's scary huh? I posted towards midnight too. I check outside my windows at night.

Angie: I now have people encouraging me to go to church.

Dory: You rock! Thank you for coming by.

Kristy: You can get it at Lowe's I think.

Lola: You can sneak a Ritz by. I'll let the pope know you're cool.

Trish: Sometomes inspiration hits.

Kat: Glad I could break your train of thought like that :)

Sammanthia said...

Hilarious.!
This is why we haven't been going to church lately... I don't wanna be the object of someone's blog post. I once ditched my husband at church because G was being so naughty. I took him home and totally forgot Mark. He was pretty ticked off about that.

April said...

my favorite part: "Srsly"

LMAO. i just pictured you as a thirteen year old girl texting from church. hahaha "Srsly"

ok, and the godzillica was pretty freaking funny too :-D

Casey said...

I think that little girl is my son's female twin. There is NO WAY he would sit still in church like that. Which is why we don't go. Yeah, that's the reason, the kid.

Blarney said...

... and that's why we 'don't do' church, are going to hell and are just fine with the whole situation ...

jori-o said...

Come to Vegas. We have lots of drive-through churches here ;)

Kim Woodbridge said...

lol - The Holy Ritz.

Reminds me of when I was a kid and my cousin and I told our parents we went to communion because we were hungry. They were not to happy about that 'confession'.

Heinous said...

Sammanthia: I would never, ever blog about you though. I would sense your innate awesomeness. That's funny you left him at church.

April: Luckily, I'm never mistaken for one ;)

Casey: It's a perfectly good reason. If I could figure out how to get the boy ramped up...

Blarney: We'll have to get together once we arrive.

Jori-o: I wouldn't have to worry about parking then.

Kim: They should hand out more than one so hunger wouldn't be an issue. Thanks for stopping by.

Mama Dawg said...

AWESOME!

Heinous said...

Mama Dawg: Thanks!

Jannie said...

This is funny. It reminds me of the scene in The Simpsons Movie whan impending doom was apparent and everyone who had been in Church ran to Moe's bar next door and vice versa. I thik they both had it right!

Heinous said...

Jannie: We have wine. I betcha there's a lot in the back.

Sherendipity said...

Omg, best Church narration ever.

Heinous said...

Sher: See, there's so much more to pay attention to.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

http://blogs.chron.com/goodmombadmom/

Featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle, mofo.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

This was hilarious! I'll admit, when I first came over from GM/BM I thought it was some non-Catholic (mofos) making fun of Catholics and fully prepared to be offended.

Oh, and don't worry about Hell, I'll be in line there too. I wonder if there's a special line for Catholics.

Heinous said...

Jenny: Thank you! I will wear my title of mofo proudly.

Kylie: I'm finding hell is going to be quite the place to be for bloggers ;)

Leisha Camden said...

V. funny story. But I really don't understand why you go to church ... >:-)

Heinous said...

For family unity, of course ;)

Thank you for coming by.

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