12 November 2008

Country Roads

We live in a rural area. Well, close enough that the city folk (where I'm from originally) qualify it as rural. I like it. I would never consider moving back to even a fair sized city. There are some drawbacks though.

We were coming back from a sale at the Woolrich store (it's about a 5 minute drive) and The Wife said, "Let's take that back road home.

Okay, I thought. I don't mind a leisurely drive home. There are some roads I love around here. The kind with all the little hills on them where you can hit them at just the right speed and make the boy giggle in the back seat when his tummy gets that dropping feeling.

This was not one of those roads.

Don't get me wrong, it was a country road with all the appropriate windy-ness. It was what lined the roads.

Houses. But not normal houses. Houses that strain the concept of words like dilapidated and slapdash and bedraggled. Houses that make my wife say things like, "Look, Jacob. People actually live in there."

I know, I sound a little snotty here but really. I'm not a builder or anything, but I redid the attic and have framed walls. It's not hard, it just takes time. If your entire house leans to the right, it may be an appropriate response to find some time to work on it. That tree won't hold it up forever, pal.

I don't think there's any need to have two stoves, a refrigerator, and an assortment of couches on your porch either...not to mention the abused car lot in your back yard.

As we drove, my six year-old son kept muttering, "disgusting," in the back seat as The Wife kept pointing out 'houses.' Yeah, we've at least instilled that much wisdom in him.

After a about 10 minutes (it's funny how you always hit a time warp on these roads) we cleared the last of them and I announced, "It looks like we're leaving Deliverance-ville." The joke fell flat. The Wife is a cretin when it comes to the classic. We'll let The Boy slide since A) he hasn't seen it yet and B) he may have been in a slight state of shock after seeing numbers of houses supported mainly by the surrounding shrubberies.

We did make it home safe and no one had to squeal like a pig to get us there, so that's a bonus. That and we're all just about done with Christmas shopping.

54 comments:

Diane said...

We have a few places like that around here. I always think, "You shore got a purty mouth" when I see them. Ick.

Diane said...

Oh, and I just noticed your tag. The battering ram bit nearly made me snort tea.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Well, well, you surely think highly of your equipment, don't ya? I'll believe it when I see it...not that I plan to see it, but, well, nevermind...

Didn't you know that I live in a two room shack with my two kids, husband and dog and that our garden is a lot with a variety of spare tires and car parts? It doesn't make me any less awesome. So there.

April said...

so, it's a problem for you that my house doesn't stand at attention?

i think it's so sad that people have to live that way. hopefully they're doing their best to improve the situation.

what pisses me off is the houses like that near us with Cadillacs parked in the driveway and t.v. satellites on the roof. srsly?

Cameron said...

Dude, I have yet to start my Christmas shopping ;)

Sprite's Keeper said...

Christmas shopping? What? Oh, crap! I gotta get the kid something else? She's getting a crapload of gifts this weekend!

Heinous said...

Diane: sorry about the tea ;)

petra: I can come over and fix that place up for you...

april: I'll come over and give the house a good shove. We'll straighten it up. We get the satellite dish people here too.

cameron: Plenty of time....

Bee said...

Whoa whoa whoa.
I was reading, enjoying the post like usual, when the last line hit me with a ferocity that can only be described as 'skillet to the face'!

You are almost DONE with Christmas?? I'm making people letters that say "I wish the economy was better so that I could have bought you something nice or at least gloves." but I haven't even chosen the font yet and YOU ARE ALMOST DONE WITH CHRISTMAS??

Good job! ;o)

Khadra said...

I feel bad for those people. Sometimes people just dont have the money to do frivolous things like have stuff hauled off or fixing up the house, because they only have enough to eat and keep the lights on. It makes me sad :(

On the other hand, I do understand that it is ridiculous in the case of able bodied people who spend their money on gambling and alcohol. We happened to take a drive by a family that lives like that yesterday (ex friends of ours) what a disaster their land is. I should take pics and post them! Your son would die!

Kim Woodbridge said...

I wonder why they all live on the same back road.

Jamie said...

I was going to write something sooner but I happened to be moving my old stove out to the front porch. When I got out there I noticed some critters living in the car we got "up on blocks" in the drive way so I have to scurry them out of the front seat.

Now, I am here, taking a break, reading your blog.

On a serious note.... You are almost done with your Christmas shopping??? Hold cow and wow!

Cape Cod Gal said...

We have a few of those around here. It's scary. I hate that my association has rules, but I'm glad that my neighborhood would never look like that!

Big K and I go to TN every year and we take "drives" around. Some of the houses are so scary!!

Mrs.D said...

I am DYING laughing at your label!!! Seriously, stifling giggles.

Stephanie said...

If nothing else, I would like you to know that I choked on my coffee and bagel and nearly died when I read your tag. Nearly. Died.

Sarah said...

I would love to add a cute witty comment but I can't stop singing "Take me home country roads to a place I belong West Virginia ...mountain mamma...take me home down country roads" Thanks the neighbors are now screaming at me to shut the hell up! : )

Cat said...

Um yeah. I know what you mean. Where I grew up, people put doors on chicken shacks and lived there. With the chickens. Once, as we were driving by one, a man shot his dog in the head with a rifle, right on the side of the road. It was a paved road, no less. I won't ever forget that.

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

LOL the couch on the front porch is the best seating in the house... come on! Banjo's playing!

Real Live Lesbian said...

LMAO @ Your tag.

Battering ram, huh? Somebody better just open that damn door up when they see YOU coming! ;)

Captain Dumbass said...

Sadly, you can't even escape that "lifestyle" in the city. I'm not touching the equipment tag though. Comment-wise, not touching...er, awkward...

Jannie said...

What he hasn't seen Deliverance yet?! What kind of a father are you???

Paige said...

I think it is sad that there are empty houses who, with some labor and just a little bit of money, could be rehabbed to be more functional---and make a home for someone who does not have one.

But then again, I have 6 trailers in my yard---two horse trailers, the lawn mower trailer, the boat on its trailer and a flat bed--and Barry's equipment trailer for his work. My standards are a little wacked

Heinous said...

Jen: Snuck one by me, did ya? Yeah, you have plenty of time though. By black friday, retailers should be giving stuff away.

Bee: Heh, I like relaxing around Christmas. i can't stand shopping around the holidays.

Khadra: I feel sorry for the ones that can't afford it too. It's not hard to straighten out a house though.

Kim: That's a mighty fine question.

Jamie: I hear them critters is good eatin.

CCG: Sounds like we should get together a photo session.

Mrs.D: I don't know where the stuff comes from sometimes and I'm not sure I want to.

Stephanie: Sorry about that. I'm really glad you're still around though.

Sarah: you should do youtube with it so we can all see.

Cat: That would definitely leave an impression. Sorry you had to see that.

Carrie: For you, I'd come hang out.

RLL: If I knock, they always wipe down the door...I never got that.

Cap'n: Sorry for that image man.

Jannie: I know...he just gets all a-quaver at tense movies.

Paige: You have horses, they're supposed to be.

Casey said...

Oh man, if your kid knows that movie you've got problems. Prolly best to keep that one until he's a bit older! ;) We're in FL so of course we have those types everywhere around here...

Lola said...

I'm done with the boy's birthday and Christmas shopping, so I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself right now!

steenky bee said...

Dude, you are soooooo new to be rural. You said "city folk". That's just a red flag for us hicks. We know you're a transplant. Us country people like to say "urban dwellers" now. It's much more PC.

Also, I've totally missed you! I've missed you in a I haven't competed at being first or whipping you in the comments on other people's sites sort of way. For the record. I have been first three times today already. I haven't mocked you on anyone's site though.....not yet. Oh, yeah. Steenky's feeling better and she's back with a vengance.

steenky bee said...

You. Have. So. Been. Whipped. On. Which. Site. I. Will. Not. Say........

AngieSS said...

I, too, am LOL'ing at your tag. Seriously, we have many a house like that in our neck of the woods. They fill their yards with old cars and appliances and then let their grass grow up around it all. Yuk! And don't get me started on folks that put their junky old couch out on the porch!

Mel said...

Dude! That tag? Bwa-ha-ha-ha! And, thanks for the Deliverance mention - now I'm going to have that creepy banjo-playing, porch-sitting kid in my mind all day (not to mention the other stuff). Bleh!

JaxPop said...

I've always wanted someone to explain how the lack of money justifies living like a slob & creating an eyesore for neighbors. I can understand repair issues, maybe even paint - that can be tied to a lack of $$$. Appliances, abandoned cars, scattered trash & junk, overgrown shrubs - nah. Not buyin' that poverty crap. It's a matter of laziness. Sorry to rant.

goodfather said...

Where I live, the Sheriff posts monthly notices of car abusers that move into the area.

My coffee-soaked monitor thanks you for the tag. :D

Heinous said...

Casey: But it's gotta be seen sometime. A few years...

Lola: Good work!

Jen: Pounce while I'm at lunch will you? Fiend, I will catch up with you. It's nice to have you back though :)

Angie: What I wan to know is what happens after it gets damp once?

Mel: I'll dig up the vid for you if you want.

Jaxpop: My point exactly. Rant away.

goodfather: I'll call city hall to see if I can get that implemented.

Anndi said...

But was there a toilet on any of those lawns?

Are we allowed to say Christmas this year?

Michele said...

I think I've been on that road.

JR & I used to drive the back roads in TN & KY a lot when we lived in IN. Those were all the houses that we said were the only ones we could afford. Never the ones with satellite dishes of course! Way out of our price range.

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Wait, what? "That and we're all just about done with Christmas shopping." What are you talking about??? Isn't it like October 7th or something???

Ellie

Vodka Mom said...

Now that damn deliverance song will be playing in my head ALL NIGHT LONG! thanks.

(love the damn tag...)

for a different kind of girl said...

On our country roads, the houses are lined with mini-mansions as the developers scoop out the cornfields that used to line the roads. I still sometimes say 'disgusting,' though. That's probably bad of me...hmmm...

:)

Heinous said...

Anndi: no, no toilet...slackers. I'm anti-PC, you can say whatever you want.

Michele: I know, the cable bills are worth the cost of the house alone.

Ellie: I will feel free to lord that over you at inopportune times.

Deb: My work is done here then.

fadkog: The Amish have a lot of our famrland here. I hope some of it stays.

Tess said...

Fortunately, we dont have to see too many houses like that or at least avoid them. I think I might have a couple of presents taken care of so you are one lucky SOB!

Sammanthia said...

A house not far from us painted their house brown with while horizontal stripes... on purpose. I think they were going for the log cabin effect. Leaning to one side would be an improvement.

Deb said...

Oooh! Lots of those places here in Maine, each with a shiny new truck on the front lawn.

Bryan Wilde said...

I'm from a very small town but have been in "The Big City" for 20 some odd years. You made me realize that I don't take the "back road" anymore because all I want to do is go home. Wait a minute, it's also because there is no back road to take anymore. I miss that trip you took. The scenery may not have been all that great, but I'll be it was quiet. You better make an appointment with your therapist - "almost done with Christmas shopping." Can't believe it.

Ann said...

Oooo-Weeee! As long as you didn't hear any banjo music you guys were just fine.
Yikes!
(And did you mention that you were almost done with Christmas shopping? Wha'?!?)

Zip n Tizzy said...

We had a house near us that would migrate around its property in various stages of developement. I know those houses well.
Got any banjos in those x-mas boxes. That riff shouldn't be too hard to teach. Just put the boy in the back of the truck on your next drive and let him strum away. That'll freak everyone out.

Laufa said...

Interesting tags. At least your establishing standards for you son to live by when he gets older.

Kat said...

Oh come on heinous, they are just houses with a little character ;)

creative kerfuffle said...

i've been on those roads! i'm originally from WV (take me home country roads indeed) so been there, seen it and in WV those roads usually take you through a holler (normal people say hollow, as in sleepy).
and the tag? omg, almost peed my pants.
and, i've lived in PA and it IS very similar to WV.

Sandi said...

I'm in a rural area myself. I have to say I don't see many houses falling apart like that...but I have seen them with stoves, tubs and toilets and a used car lot practically in the yard. Just nasty. I am one that's kind of obsessed with a nice looking yard. Those houses sound pretty bad!

Tony said...

Dude, you're just too good

HeatherPride said...

You pulled out the "squeal like a pig" reference!! Dude!

blissfullycaffeinated said...

OMG, your tag is too funny!

Also, you have your Christmas shopping done already?!!! Gah!!!

Haven't. Even. Begun. To. Think. About. It. (Is that stretching the limits of an acceptable period puncuated sentence? It may be. Oh well.)

But, now, Sir Heinous, I *am* thinking about it and feeling like I should be out there stockpiling Nintendo DS and Polly Pockets. Frack.

Heinous said...

Tess: I can take care of the rest online too ;) Thank you for stopping by.

Sammanthia: Sounds beautiful. We need a pic on your blog.

Deb: Odd how they pull that off.

Bryan: I'll just pick a different road next time.

Ann: I think there's an ordinance against banjos.

ZnT: Unless they join in. Then I'll have to drive faster.

Laufa: I sure hope so. I'd make him live at home first.

Kat: Hannibal Lecter was a character too...

CK: I've been down there. We're like kin (our states.)

Sandi: I think that's worse than the house. It's not hard to get stuff hauled off.

Tony: psh...I'm just the PA version of you.

Heather: It had to be done.

Jen: Just think...those lines are getting longer as we speak ;)

Braja said...

Well, there goes your G rating...wait...too late... :))

Well THAT was fun, huh??

Sherendipity said...

I'm number 53.
That's all I got.

Heinous said...

Braja: I'm pretty sure I lost the G rating somewhere around 7th grade.

Sher: That's gotta count for something.