10 November 2008

The Blood Test

Yesterday, I had to take my son for a blood test. No worries, it's all just to make sure there's no Lyme disease crawling around his system since I had it earlier in the year and my in-laws' dog has it too. They watch him after school, so there's a chance.

Ticks rule like that. Vile little beasties.

Anyway, it was decided that I would fly this mission solo since Jacob gets all 'momma's boy' when she's around. She's a crumbler at the first sight of tears too. I happen to have a convenient heart of stone for these situations. I keep it in a little box filed under, "crappy stuff that has to be done."

The time was nearing to go pick him up and I had the requisite feeling of dread, but there was nothing to be done; the sentence had been passed.

I drove over to the in-laws to pick him up and let him know it was time for his test at the doctor's.

The Boy: "What kind of test daddy?"

Me: "Oh, you know, just one of those tests."

The Boy: "Am I getting a shot?"

Crap, this was going to be like a big game of dodge ball all the way to the doctor's.

Me: "No, not a shot." Similar concept though...still a needle involved, but they'll be taking instead of giving. I was not lying here, mind you, merely omitting.

The Boy: "How long will it take?"

Me: "Not long."

The Boy: "What kind of test is it?"

Me: "Dunno, buddy. We'll find out in a minute." Okay, I lied. Bite me.

The Boy: "Will it hurt?"

Me: "I don't think so." Hey, pain is all relative. Of course, a needle to a child might as well be a sharpened drain pipe.

...and double bite me.

We finally got there and were walking across the lot when he asked, "Am I having surgery?"

I burst out laughing. "No, no surgery."

We entered the office and I was all prepared. We had a stuffed animal du jour and I had the pocket video recorder so I could show him the movies we took for Halloween. Yeah baby, I had it covered. Dad o' the year, that's me.

We were in the lab in under five minutes and he was sitting on my lap. He was watching videos to the left. He never even looked to the right when they did the strappy thing to his arm. Things were moving along nicely.

Cool, this might just work out.

Then he looked to his right just as they were about to put the needle in.

Full. Bore. Nutty.

"I don't wanna. I want to go home. I want my mommy," over and over again. A protective mantra at 100 decibels. Then the tears came.

My little, stone heart chipped a little.  Perhaps it cracked a smidge as well. It's rough. You tell your child it's so they wont feel icky later on but it's still hard to do.

The nurses broke to their respective corners and we talked him down. After a minute or so, he realized there wasn't any escape. Especially since mommy wasn't there.

Some more tears flowed as I put his little legs between mine and crossed them so he couldn't kick and I held his flailable arm while the nurses held his other. It was over pretty quick and the nurses were great.

I said, "Let's bolt," and we were outta there. On the way to the car he said it wasn't any worse than his flu shot. I thought, "Yeah but you could have at least had the consideration to make it easier on me." Sheesh, these selfish kids nowadays.

The Boy: "You didn't tell me that was going to happen."

I thought, "Duh, I couldn't have gotten you through the doors without a team of Clydesdales pulling you if I had."

I said, "Gee, I wasn't sure what kind of test it was going to be buddy."

Liar, liar. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do though. Let's hope that's the last test for a while.

 

53 comments:

Sammanthia said...

First! Suckas!
Now I must go read...

Sammanthia said...

Shots suck and I've been known to pass out. I leave it to M to take the kids to get theirs, otherwise I would end up on the floor with the nurses taking care of me, not giving a shot to one of my kids. Hey, it's happened.
PS I hope you bought him a ginormous candy bar on the way home... he's earned a healthy dose of sugar!

Sarah said...

Oh that description even got me to crack a bit and he's not even my kid! My boys are in the doctor's alot for infusions so I know the pain of having to dodge the needle question! Love your blog!

Tony said...

I've had to take my niece and nephew to get shots before and I make it a point not to lie to them. I think that if I do then later they will not believe me. I had to take my nephew for blood tests too and when he asked if he was getting a shot I told him that he wasn't going to get a shot, but that they were going to take blood. I was surprised because he didn't cry at all. The lady taking the blood was really good with him though and talked to him about cartoons and stuff that he liked, so before you know it the blood was taken and he was given stickers and was happy. It was a good day all around considering the circumstances.

Mrs.D said...

My son has had blood drawn once a year for the past 3 years (juv diabetes screening) and the first 2 times were AWFUL!! I had to wrap myself around him while they went in for the stick. The last time, a month ago, was like magic. He sat there like a grown up and just calmly watched. It was weird. I hope his tests are fine.

Vodka Mom said...

Those little white lies are what get us through the toughest of things. FOR SURE!

The Dentist is Fun!!!
There will be NO shots today...
I'm SURE there will be presents at Grammy's house...
The gyno NEVER makes you take off your clothes

crap like that.......

Heinous said...

Sammanthia: At least we know how to keep you in line now. He never even asked for anything after we left.

Sarah: I've since repaired my stone heart, so I should be go to go for the next round. Thanks for coming by.

Tony: I'll have to fess up and skip the dodging next time. That's a one-shot deal. I'm just hoping he'll never need more blood drawn.

Mrs.D: They get it eventually. It's something we hope they'll never have to get used to, but they do. Thanks.

Deb: I don't think I'll ever have to use the gyno line ;)

Athena said...

AWWWWWW! I just did this to my 4 year old a few weeks ago, and if I didnt have an few little white lies up my sleeve, we wouldnt have made it through. Kids! I hope his tests come back negative for the lyme!

Stephanie said...

Ooh, pants on fire! But I get it. I HATE taking Josh to the doctor when I know needles are involved. Especially when he knows what's coming, then wails, then begs, "no tot, Mama, no tot!", and then finally looks at me as if I've killed his puppy when I allow the nurse to stab him repeatedly. This parenting crap is hard.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Bite you? Like the needle bit Jacob? (I seriously need to stop reading the Twilight series..)

bee said...

My niece is a little trooper since my sister believes in the whole truth and nothing but the truth, she goes in there barely whimpers and then asks for her lollipop.
I, however, am the one bouncing off the walls when they have to draw my blood. I hope you bought him ice cream afterwards… what? That’s what they buy me after a doctor’s visit.

JaxPop said...

Youngest son is friends with Bam Margera of 'Jackass' fame (same hometown) so stiches were common. We all have tattoos - so needles schmeedles. Next time tell 'im it's just practice for when he gets older & wants a cool tatt.
Thanks by the way for the positive feedback on my post.

JaxPop said...

I spelled stitches wrong - please overlook. Duh! I hate when that happens. D

for a different kind of girl said...

A couple weeks ago, I took my boys to the pediatrician for a routine checkup. As far as I knew, they weren't requiring any shots, so I assured them both that on the way. You can see where this is going. My oldest ended up needing two booster shots and he got the flu shot. He assured me he was brave, it was no big deal. Then they shoved the needle in his arm and his mout flew open and he started shaking, but, god bless him, he never cried.

The youngest got off easiest because he got the flu mist rather than a shot. He felt pretty smug when it was all said and done. AND he still got a sticker!

Diane said...

I must be Attila the Hun... that stuff doesn't faze me at all. My kid is all about the drama, too, which makes me laugh (which really doesn't help, to be honest). Then I get aggravated with it. Then come the threats. Then the warnings. Then the beatings. OK, just kidding... there are no warnings ;). The lying thing, though? Totally OK in my book. It's the parental form of 'plausible deniability'. What you don't know can't hurt them :)

Cat said...

Good luck with the tests. Lymes disease is nasty. I saw a kid get his flu shot yesterday, sounded like someone was biting his fingers off one at a time. Suddenly got quiet, and this kid (closer to 10 than to 5) came strolling out, no tears, no puffy eyes. Little faker! Poor nurse needed a drink after that one, she was nearly in tears.

Michele said...

My youngest boy didn't mind getting shots or having blood drawn. Now as he is preparing to go to med school he's looking forward to doing it to others. Savage little bastard.

My oldest boy still freaks out. Like totally freaks out!

DeeMarie said...

Poor little guy!! Glad you got it over with and hopefully the test will come back negative!
I hate shots so I can totally relate to his emotions... and I believe my parents lied to me about it too. And I still love them, so I think you'll be fine!

Cameron said...

A little white lie never hurts, right? Thanks for the reminder, kids have flu shots this Friday...joy.

Mel said...

That's why it's good to be the aunt and not the parent - none of the stuff like this that they can blame me for later. Only candy, Hannah Montana and presents!

goodfather said...

Ha ha, awesome. It's the white lies that keep us sane.

Paige said...

see I guess I am not fit to be a parent--my husband has to take his Godson for shots as his mom wigs out. I say stick em and lets get on with it. Handle it, it is for his own good

I think I might spend too much time with animals, I will stick any damn thing my own self,

but I totally get the lying

Wayne John said...

I remember my first shot. I was being distracted by my mother, and then I felt a prick. (oh gawd that could be taken soooo wrong).

I looked over, saw a needle in my arm and a nervous nurse looking at me while she hurried to get blood drawn, assuming I would flip out.

I just watched it...it didn't faze me one bit. In fact, I enjoy watching them sink a needle into me now. Oddly, I find it fascinating.

I don't understand the 'freak out' factor at all is all I'm saying I guess.

Entertaining story...glad it's you and not me..hahaha

Casey said...

Man, sorry you guys had to go through that. We're not in the anticipation stage yet but man can my kid flail and kick when there are needles present. Glad you got it over with..

HeatherPride said...

Oh man, doesn't that suck!! I hate it. The worst is when they give your tiny baby like 5 jabs in the leg one right after the other! Poor kiddos!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Needles don't bother me at all, and my 2-year-old takes after me--she hasn't even cried at a shot since she was 4 weeks old, it's really weird. But Big Boy? You would think that we were asking him to have a limb removed the way he reacts to getting a shot. He actually ran out of the doctor's office a few months ago as soon as he heard the word "shot." He ran down the hall and tried to find a place to hide. And now that he is 8 years old and about 55 pounds, I can't even hold him down. It's rough.

I'm glad your Boy got through it unscathed though. Sounds like you did a momma proud.

And I don't want to hear that stone heart crap, I know my daddy-o is a big ole softie ;)

Heinous said...

Athena: Thanks. Here's hoping neither of us have to do it again.

Stephanie: Yeah, why weren't we warned?

Jen: Always ask permission before biting.

Bee: I was willing to hit the toy aisle, but he didn't want anything.

Jaxpop: I'm getting ink with him if he goes. He won't be sitting on my lap by then though.

fadkog: awww...poor guy. The boy got a 24 pack of crayons from the nurses.

Diane: He's wily. He won't fall for the slight-of-brain again. That pesky truth will have to come out.

Cat: The Boy can pull a good fake too. This wasn't one of them though.

Michele: You could have one work on the other...

DeeMarie: No, I'm sure you misheard them.

Cameron: woo hoo. My son takes those pretty easy now.

Mel: Cheater! I cry foul.

goodfather: that and the crown royal.

Paige: I'm not fit either...that totally doesn't matter.

Wayne: I'm the same way. I just can't stop watching.

Casey: The anticipation is worse. Maybe you'll never get to that stage.

Heather: That was the happy 5-years old celebration for us. Hooray! 5 shots! Who the hell came up with that one?

Petra: You better start working out more for Big Boy then. I have an awesome arm/leg bar combo if you need help though. Softie? me?

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

Ok I admit I lie to my kids too, Like you it's the only way to get them close to the doctor's office and of course I use a Mc D's happymeal afterwards if they'll be very good ...HA!!!

Cape Cod Gal said...

Sounds like he did better than I would. I need a cold pack behind my neck, the smelling salts and I have to lie down. I am the biggest baby! I will pass out cold.

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, yeah, I remember those day. They sucked.

Jane! said...

My kids have always been great about shots and blood tests. Me... uh, I always cried when they got them. Quite embarrassing.

Kat said...

Sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do. You should see the savage way they give kids shots at the Air Force Clinic when they are about a year to 2 years old. They lay them down on a table. Pin their legs with their own legs then 2 shots in the left leg, 2 shots in the right leg. It is brutal. Both my kids handled it like troopers, but the shock on their faces when "OMG I can't move my legs" happens is horrible.

Anndi said...

That's like telling a kid the medecine doesn't taste bad.

Heinous said...

Carrie: I won't tell them.

CCG: You would be easy then ;)

Mama Dawg: You mean they go away? Awesome!

Jane!: Sure...go around and embarrass them...

Kat: They offered to lay him down. i went with, 'no.'

Anndi: I always get it flavored for the extra dollar. Not that it works well for everything though.

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Awww...Poor little guy. I have been there, and it sucks. I lie, omit, whatevs so they don't go completely bat shit before I can even get them in the door.

And I always get my kids ice cream after a blood draw or shot. To assuage the guilt.

April said...

ooooh, needles are the WORST!!! i get knots in my stomach just thinking about taking my kids in for vaccinations and such :-/
glad you made it through all right!

ali said...

My April Fools joke earlier this year for my son was that he had to go get a shot. He didn't think it was funny at all:)

We did the drive thru flu shot last week and it was cool. My 4 yr old was already strapped in his car seat so it was pretty quick and easy.

Lawyer Mom said...

Oh I feel for you. Nothing much worse than seeing your kid in pain, especially when it looks to them like you are sponsoring it. When Mr. M got his first shot -- seems like he was 2 weeks old -- he didn't cry, but I completely broke down, and cried and cried. I just feel like he will feel like I am betraying him. Surely it's all in my mind.

A few months ago I thought Mr. M was going to have to have a blood test run and just told him straight up that he was going to have a really cool experience -- he was going to get to see his OWN blood float up in a plastic tube. So when the doc said it wasn't necessary he was most disappointed. "But MOM. I wanted to SEE my OWN BLOOD!"

Sure hope your son's test comes back negative.

Anita Doberman said...

I hate taking the kids to get a shot, the girls go crazy in there, one time we had to have two nurses restrain my five year old (she has inherited my hot Italian temper)
I feel I need a drink after I take them....

Heinous said...

Jen: Yup, getting them coerced inside is the biggest obstacle.

April: Next time the wife can do it ;)

ali: Real nice, mom. Drive thru flu shot? Where is this miracle? Thank you for coming by.

LM: Nice spin! Thanks, I hope so too.

Anita: Good for her. She'll be headstrong and feisty. Not so good for you though. There's always wine. Thank you for coming by.

apathy lounge said...

Tough, tough times, for sure. I remember going to the pediatrician and avoiding those trusting little eyes. I felt like such a hypocrite...knowing that a shot was in the works.

Zip n Tizzy said...

Yeah, I'm the sucker who gets stuck with those jobs.
Cold mama. But really, better than being stuck with Lymes. You had me recalling the scaple they cut Zips tick out with. Not fun.

Red Cup Mom said...

Ooooh. Sigh. This is so tough for the little ones. I hope it really doesn't hurt them. It's the anxiety that hurts. Glad you were able to handle. You're a good dad. He's a good boy. Did you give the wife the full report?

Ms Picket To You said...

dude, in the midst of an asthma evaluation for middle kid, the doc said, how 'bout flu shots, since your here? i said yes.

that was my first mistake.

the giant four year old, ninja tough guy that he thinks he is, needs some prep work apparently.

i hope also its the last of your tests.

Khadra said...

Oh I suck so badly at taking the kids for blood tests and shots. Im glad you both made it through it without too many wounds.

Heinous said...

AL: I just kept my eyes on the road.

ZnT: Ouch. We will not speak of the Zip's experience again.

Jen: Of course. She should always know what I go through ;)

Ms P: This is where wisdom comes from.

Khadra: He heals quickly :)

creative kerfuffle said...

i think that type of parental lying is not only acceptable but mandatory. the girl (who's now 11) had lots of health issues as a baby and got blood drawn twice a week for almost two years. the hubs, god love him, had to pony up and take her to those appts. cos i just could not do it. i guess sometimes being the dad isn't as easy as it looks afterall : )

Me, You, or Ellie said...

"You didn't tell me that was going to happen." That's it, right there, isn't it, for you parent-types? I don't know how you do it. I admire you for it, but still don't know how you do it.

Ellie

Kim Woodbridge said...

I work for a PhD doctor and when I first started working for Dr G. my daughter asked if he gave me shots. After I stopped laughing I thought to myself that shots would be better than the crap he does give me.

Lola said...

My son's pretty good about shots, and he didn't even flinch over getting his blood drawn.

Having an IV inserted by the idiot nurse who explained exactly what she was going to do to his little hand with a needle was a nightmare until I kicked her out and a more intelligent nurse came in and did it while I was reading him his favorite book that was strategically blocking what she was doing. Not even a tear!

I hope he doesn't have Lyme. It's rampant around here.

Heinous said...

CK: We just make it look that way ;)

Ellie: It's like a magician. It's just sleight-of-brain instead of sleight-of-hand.


Kim: Ouch, sorry to hear about your dealing with the common sensically challenged.

Lola: A good nurse makes all the difference.

Momma Trish said...

Our 3-year old is scared of needles. He cries and fights. Makes it rough. Sometimes, they have to prick both arms because he was so tense they couldn't get enough from the first stick. Not a good time.

But when it's all done, he gets jelly beans. And that makes it all worthwhile. Apparently.

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