22 November 2008

The Big Guy (with the funny hat)

Somehow, I never seem to lose any followers after these posts. I love you guys for that. Thanks! Yes, you may take that as sort of a warning for this one. (and remember I am a Catholic, so I am licensed to do this.)

I was thinking the other day (always a dangerous thing.) The Catholics have so many cool things -- vampirism, pirates, and the ass-kicking gozillica just for a few examples -- that it must be unjustifiably cool to be in charge of it all. Ahh...a day in the life of the Pope. I wonder what my day would be like if I was the Pope?

6:00AM Get up early because holiness seems to require not sleeping in. This rule pisses me off. I'll have to rewrite that one.

6:20AM All showered with holy water and the Vatican-approved 'pope soap on a rope' (Guaranteed to wash away all sin!)

6:30AM Stop thinking about sex. There's another god damned rule (I can say that right? I'm the Pope.) that needs to be axed.

6:45AM Pick out holy poncho with cryptic symbols and crap on it for the day along with matching funny hat.

6:50AM Knock funny hat off head after passing through a doorway. You would think I would learn by now.

7:00AM Talk to God and tell him what a bang-up job he's doing and let him know that I am on my way to smite some mofos (that's non Catholics, of course.) Ask if He's willing to ease up on the sex thing yet.

7:05AM Make note to attend confession after being all pissed about His answer to the sex thing.

7:30AM Breakfast of bread and water. Just kidding. You should see the spread I get here for breakfast. It's the freakin' Vatican.

8:00AM Sit on throne made entirely of gold for some holy ponderage. "I wonder if I should start a blog? I could call it 'Poperiffic!'"

9:00AM Okay, enough of that crap...I mean, done. Off to the holy cookie factory to bless the wafers. You know...just in case the priest blows the transubstantiation gig. We can't have people eating stale, tasteless crackers after all. I should stop by the holy chalice factory too and talk to the people in R&D. People are still getting colds by sharing those cups. Jesus' blood isn't curing the common cold. Go figure.

9:15AM Oh. My. God. That nun is soooo freaking hot. What the hell is she doing being a nun? Crap, she saw me staring.

"Um...yes, sister...carry on. I'm very proud of your progress towards...uh..Godly stuff."

Yeah. Nice cover. Smooooth.

Note to self: add those thoughts to the list o' stuff to confess.

10:00AM Done with the cookies and the chalice thing. Have to meet with some cardinals and other lower management. I'll twitter from the meeting if I get bored.

11:00AM Need to get that idea for the iAbsolve phone to R&D. That's going to be a money maker. We just have to figure out what carrier to use.

12:00PM Crap, have to conduct a mass. I wonder how you say, "blah, blah, blah," in Latin? I guess I should stay traditional for this one. The worshippers got a little bent last time when I introduced the "Rock and Roll Mass of Awesome-osity".

1:30PM Count some of my the church's money while eating lunch. Are you watching this, God? A working lunch. You're welcome. Um...maybe I mean I'm here to serve in Your name. I'll talk to You tomorrow about your prefs on this issue.

5:00PM ...and ten billion. That's a nice, round number to stop at. Off to dinner.

6:00PM Wow, am I stuffed. Another mass? Come on people. Do we need this many in a day? Fine, brt.

7:30PM Heh. I bet they didn't even notice when I said, "I'm not wearing any underwear under this poncho," in Latin. Bite me. It gets hot in this thing...I need all the ventilation I can get.

8:00PM I can't stand talking to people anymore. They want to kiss my ring. That's. Creepy. Man. Stop it. I betcha there's all kinds of slobber and lip goo in the grooves. Yick...heading to the holy jeweler dude for cleaning again.

9:00PM Hitting the wine cabinet and reading up on my favorite blogs.

11:00PM Hmm...probably too drunk to pray properly. I'll get to that in the morning. Ahh, what the hell, I'll phone one in:
Um...g'night God. Yay You.
That's it, I'm wiped...


48 comments:

Mrs.D said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs.D said...

I totally thought this post was about Santa. lol.

Captain Dumbass said...

You become pope and I'll totally convert from...well, from being a heathen.

Momma Trish said...

See, I thought this post was going to be all about the cowboy hat in your profile picture. I was all set to say "It's not a funny hat! It's a nice hat!" Well ... it is a nice hat ... I stand behind that statement, even though it's not required at all.

Thing is, I'm not Catholic. And I know nothing of Catholicism. So tell me, who exactly is authorized to hear the Pope's confession? 'Cause I don't know the answer to that one, and it's honestly never occurred to me 'til now.

Debbie said...

What he wears under the poncho is as big a mystery as what is in the Queen's purse. But he does have better hats. Wonder if she is jealous?

Mel said...

From a mofo...please don't smite me. Yeah, here's the thing: I don't know why you're so self-critical about writing. This was pretty darned good. And, heh, 4 of the 5 Google ads on the bottom right-hand of the page are to do with being a Catholic and your slideshow has a godzillica in it!

Diane said...

Holy shit, that was funny (did you get my whole religious reference there? You know, the 'Holy' part? Yeah, I knew you would... you're smart that way. Was clever, huh?). Anyway, if you were the Pope, I'd convert. If anyone could make me believe in Jeebus, it'd be you. Well, OK, maybe not... but I'd go to church anyway, just for the giggles.

Tony said...

Pope soap on a rope - dude, that was great. I'm not Catholic but have been in the past, so I thought this was funny...and yeah, I think you're going to Hell...I'm sure I'll see ya there.

Kat said...

I have this feeling that you and the R&D department are not going to be best friends. You coming up with ideas...them trying to make it work, it could be a painful relationship.

Braja said...

Crap. I think I need to take up drinking again so I can write posts like this. Srsly.

Vodka Mom said...

bless me father for I have sinned.......

Vodka Mom said...

AND, did I miss the whole "Let's get drunk and blog party??? jesus, someone fill me in when shit like that is going on.

Anndi said...

6:50AM Knock funny hat off head after passing through a doorway. You would think I would learn by now.

You'd think, after all these popes, there'd be a top height requirement... that or make the damn doorways bigger. He is the Pope for Christ's sake.

Yup, this Catholic girl is going to hell in a hand basket. Think they have an open bar there?

CK Lunchbox said...

are you kidding - lose me? these posts were what got me started following!

I was raised a hardcore fundamentalist. my first wife was hardcore Catholic (she would HATE you for this stuff - she once wanted to lead a movement for women priests so she could be one). I almost converted - everything but the confirmation even.

Now, at least I have a broad range of material to work with. Funny stuff.

The Stiletto Mom said...

Dude. This was just not the blog for me to read before going to church. How am I supposed to keep a straight face now?

Michelle said...

OMG!! You crack my ass up!
I am anti catholicism but if you were the pope I may reconsider!

Heinous said...

Mrs.D: It's pretty close. Sleigh, popemobile...same difference.

Cap'n: Can't you do both at the same time?

Trish: Thanks, I love my hat. Um...I don't know. I think any of upper management can do it. They're all holy too.

Debbie: It's all about the ventilation I tell you.

Mel: Self-critical is just one of those things I guess. I love when I get the religious ads on these posts.

Diane: There's just not enough belly laughs in mass right now. I'd change all that ;)

Tony: I'll bring the snacks.

Kat: but they have to listen, right?

Braja: Sadly, I can do this sober too...

Deb: I think we should schedule it for any free Saturday night if otherwise uninvolved. Smashed Saturday Night Posts.

Anndi: I'm installing the bar next week.

Ron: Lucky you didn't go over the brink ;)

Mary Anne: Just don't picture me as pope during mass ;)

Heinous said...

Michelle: Thanks! I'll let you sit up front.

creative kerfuffle said...

this post=hysterical.
though we aren't catholic, the hubs was TOTALLY in to the last pope's funeral and has decided when he goes he wants to be laid out on a table in a square just like that. and he sooo digs the miter hat.
plus, you get that cool pope-mobile. sweet.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Yay God..haha that would have been alot easier to remember then all those other prayer I had to learn in private school! : ) I would totally vote for you in the pope election. Isnt that how they do it??

Marinka said...

The reason that you never lose followers after these posts is because they're hysterical. The pope definitely needs a blog. And watch the hat, buddy..I mean, your papacy.

Casey said...

Heh, that sounds like way too much work and guilt to leave the house for. Glad you and the big guy are good...

Blarney said...

Always fun to play the Cathloics Truth game. It's amazing to see how the faithful can change the rules based on the situation ~ yet another reason we do not attend.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Oh my, I think I have to go to confession just for READING that post...and I am not even Catholic!

But, as usual, I LOVED it because you made me snort and laugh and make my daughter look at me like I had three heads. She was all "What's funny mommy?" and I was all "Oh, it's just Uncle Jim making me laugh again." and she was all "OK"

Yeah, you're famous in my household. Mostly for making me snort things out of my nose...it's something, isn't it?

K and/or K said...

I've never wanted to be Catholic so much in my entire life. Thanks for the gut wrenching laughs.

steenky bee said...

As always, you made me just laugh and laugh until I cried a little bit. But then my computer when up in flames after reading this. Dude, you sort of mocked the Pope didn't you? I pray for your soul. I'm not Catholic. But you should know that everywhere in the world when you say, "The Church" everyone knows you are referring to The Catholic Church. But in Utah, when you say, "The Church", you are referring to the Mormons. And if South Park has taught us nothing, it's that the Mormons had it right.

Heinous said...

CK: we can arrange the table...

Sarah: I like my prayers simple. I'll take your vote, thanks!

Marinka: I'm following the earlier suggestion and having work done on the doorway.

Casey: I'm sure I'm in like flint.

Blarney: I go for the cookies...and the material ;)

Petra: LOL..Uncle Jim. I'll take that for famous.

K/K: Any time, thanks :)

Jen: Mockery is the highest form of flattery...or something like that. South Park is always right.

Sprite's Keeper said...

Dude, I'm Jewish and even I thought that was sacrelige. (standing up) BRAVA!

Cameron said...

Very nice, and you make a good point. I think it's time for the Pope to go on a marketing blitz. Sell everything from Pope Soap on a Rope to bumper stickers. Hell yeah, the church could really clean up.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

Not a Catholic myself, although all the living breathing members of my current family are----still I did enjoy the post. (and I don't feel guilty about it either)

Gary (old dude)
http://threescoreplusten.blogspot.com/

justsomethoughts... said...

i just want to know if your followers will get some kind of "lifetime members'" discount on the pope-soap-on-a-rope. i could use a case myself... (only if it comes with a money back guarantee.
and that whole "not thinking about sex" part? never gonna happen. may as well not bother.

Michele said...

The husband is (as a my Catholic friend said) a non-practicing Catholic. He would think this is hilarious.

He's Irish quasi-Catholic so when he goes I'm giving him a wake. I plan to sit him in a corner of the room with a joint in one hand and a glass of Irish Whiskey in the other. He says "Why wait until he's dead"

goodfather said...

A solid gold throne? Really??

Holy crap.

:D

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Gross. Lip goo.

Heinous said...

Jen: Thank you :)

Cameron: People always like a trinket for their money.

Gary: I never feel guilty anymore. It's good to have your own standards.

jst: I'll get the lifetime membership set up complete with money AND soul back guarantee.

Michele: I recommend Tullamore Dew.

goodfather: only the best!

Kylie: sorta add a level of yuck, doesn't it?

Khadra said...

I love this! You wouldnt lose readers for this, this stuff is awesome. It's Poperrific even!

Krystal said...

Just as good as the "Jesus is Your Buddy" statue. Actually more so!

Heinous said...

Khadra: hmmm...I should market that word...

Krystal: Thanks...maybe I should make it in plaque form ;)

Maternal Mirth said...

after 12+ years in Catholic school ... this was PRICELESS.

1st, I don't think he wears underwear, either. Being that it's no healthy for the holy jewels and all ...

2nd, the pope-mobile needed mention.

Mama Dawg said...

Makes me wanna convert.

Lola said...

You have offended me to my core ;) I will pray for you!

Sass said...

At what point in his day does the pope decide to sprinkle the wafers with little holy hairs?

Did he pick them out of his pope soap on a rope?

My goodness, you're too damn funny.

Heinous said...

MM: Catholic school always seems to make the whole experience that much more funny.

MD: You're in! I'm so easy.

Lola: Thanks, I need all the help I can get.

Sass: LOL...I try out the BVM ploy for you and see if it works for if that happens again ;)

Bee said...

I would pray fro your soul but I think it would only make it worse! ;o)

Very funny!

Heinous said...

Bee: I'm past saving. I'm okay with that.

Kim Woodbridge said...

Man, I am always super late on the comments over here. I've only had this open in my browser for 24 hours to remind me to read it.

I'm a little worried about getting an email that says the Pope is following you on twitter. ;-)

I was raised Catholic and my family is still practicing - they would think it was funny.

Heinous said...

Kim: I hope he doesn't follow me. I'll have to hit confession. If he doesn't know about a post, I don't have to confess, right?

disa said...

一葉情貼圖片區,情趣用品,情趣,色情漫畫,情色網,情色a片,情色遊戲,85cc成人片,嘟嘟成人網,成人網站,18成人,成人影片,成人交友網,成人貼圖,成人圖片區,成人圖片,成人文章,成人小說,成人光碟,微風成人區,免費成人影片,成人漫畫,成人文學,成人遊戲,成人電影,成人論壇,成人,做愛,aio,情色小說,ut聊天室,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,聊天室,尋夢園聊天室,080視訊聊天室,免費視訊聊天,哈啦聊天室,視訊聊天,080聊天室,080苗栗人聊天室,6k聊天室,視訊聊天室,成人聊天室,中部人聊天室,免費視訊,視訊交友,視訊美女,視訊做愛,正妹牆,美女交友,玩美女人,美女,美女寫真,美女遊戲,hi5,hilive,hi5 tv,a383,微風論壇,微風,伊莉,伊莉討論區,伊莉論壇,sogo論壇,台灣論壇,plus論壇,plus,痴漢論壇,維克斯論壇,情色論壇,性愛,性感影片,校園正妹牆,正妹,AV,AV女優,SEX,走光,a片,a片免費看,A漫,h漫,成人漫畫