10 January 2009

The Other Church

Last week we decided to go to the other Catholic church in town. I'm not entirely sure why, but I just go with the flow when it comes to things churchly.

We got there and the one nice thing was that the priest doesn't have a thick, gooey accent straight out of the Eastern Bloc. I could actually understand what he was saying. I didn't listen, but that's completely beside the point... I could have listened. He also had nice hair. It was a little long, so from a distance it looked decidedly like a fuzzy helmet, but it looked fine up close.

Of course, being church, those were about the only positives to me.

The first thing I noticed is that this priest (do I have to capitalize "priest?" I guess since I never bother capitalizing "god," that's sort of a moot point. Like they're going to add another year on to my life sentence in hell for disobeying the style guide.) sings every damn verse of the hymns. Every. Verse. Come on dammit, the other church does one and three. It's a time saver, let's get with the program here.

There was another thing that bothered the crap out of me about the church music. They did those songs. The ones where they pick a psalm, throw some organ in the background, and slap some arbitrary notes to the words. Seriously? It sounds like someone is reading the newspaper to song. It's stupid. Stop butchering the last movement of Beethoven's 9th like that. It's criminal. God should make you weep nothing but grapefruit juice for perpetrating that on us.

Behind me was what I like to call a "rusher." One of those people that is at least two words ahead whenever there's a group prayer or singing going on. I don't know the words to this stuff really well and that dude was not helping. Recite and sing at the correct tempo, jerkoff. No one is proud of you because you finished first.

Also at this church was "Farting Guy." I call him that because once, in church, this guy was sitting next to us and letting them rip. This only happened once, ten years ago, but you don't forget stuff like that. Yet another reason to stick with the old church.

Overall mass lasted only marginally longer than the other church, but if we could move to the verse one and three system we could get out of there earlier and I would consider that church instead, regardless of the perils of "Farting Guy."

After mass, they had a thing for the kids which included an "epiphany cake." This is where you take a cake and put something inside like a bean and whoever gets the bean gets to wear a crown. I've always had issues with the epiphany cake and its potential to cause dental damage to an overzealous eater. This time, however, they put a little (but large enough to be an awesome choking hazard), plastic baby Jesus inside.

Really?

It's lucky parents were they to dig through their child's slice before they dug in. I'm sure "asphyxiation by baby jeebus" would be a real hoot down at the coroner's office.

I'm not sure which church to go to now. Maybe I should come up with a third offering for town. I'll have to work on the plans for that. I'll let you know when they're done.

 

71 comments:

Paula aka. Zani said...

First!?!

Sammanthia said...

Nope, I would follow you twice if I could. Nice try, though.;)

Paula aka. Zani said...

*Faints as she is indeed first.. then wakes up and rememebers she should comment or something*


Finding a new church.. or even a church you can stand is tough. After fifteen years in Tennessee I still have not found one that seems like home. So.. I communicate with the Big Guy in my own way. I wish you luck... with all my fingers crossed even. =)

Jamie said...

A four minute old post and I can't get a first place. Bullshit!

Wow, a cake with things hidden inside. Never ever in all my years have I heard of such a thing. Is that a Catholic thing? I would hate to have my kid choke on little baby Jesus - This is why I try to avoid churchish things. I don't want to have to heimlich anyone at church and can you imagine the guilt if you don't try to save the person choking on little baby jesus.

Stevie said...

Any chance you'd consider coming down to the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in State College some week? That's where we ended up. Or does it need to be the RC?

BedsideTalesMan said...

Maybe you could suggest to the church to work with the company that makes Gummy Bears and have them create a Gummy Jesus...just for those cakes. would solve the choking hazzard.

OR...join a cult or something...would give you gret material for posts!

Irish Gumbo said...

Whew...this post really WAS about religion, not sexual preference. I guess that would have been called 'The Other Team'!

LOL, bro, sounds like a bit of Mardi Gras has come to your neck of the woods. King Cake! When I was in New Orleans, they had the king cake. If you bit into the little plastic king, you got to wear the crown or have good luck or lead a parade. Suppose they might have any parades at your church? I guess in that case Farting Guy would give a new meaning to 'float'!

Laughed 'til I cried, graet stuff!

Robert said...

Since you seem like a non-theist, or possibly an atheist, why bother going to church at all?

Tony said...

I think it is time my son for you to join your own church. I did this 22 years ago and have had no regrets whatsoever. I live the church of Tonyism. Simple really. Treat other as you would want to be treated. Get as close to God as possible each Sunday. ( usually a high mountain top fishing, skiing or biking.) And never forget each day to check your ego at the door and be thankful for all your many blessings.

No farting guy, no early singers, no crazy cake, and no damn bench to sit on that makes my ass hurt for any amount of time.

Just a thought. God Bless.

Chicky Chicky Baby said...

As a recovering Catholic, your description made my teeth itch. *shudder*

But I do miss epiphany cake.

Robin said...

Being Jewish and all, it seems sorta... oh, I don't know... not so nice to leave a comment that involves the baby jesus and the phrase "bite me."

SweetPeaSurry said...

This is what's wonderful about following a Druidic path, no bloody churches (or potential choking cakes).

I'm with Tony on this, spirituality is in no means synonomous with dowdy church time.

bright blessings!

natasha the exile on Mom Street said...

Once you've finished establishing your sainthood, you should be a shoe-in for opening the 3rd church.

kirsty815 said...

Death by baby Jesus priceless!!! Umm that's why I'm Episcopal it's Catholic Light, half the guilt.

You know what I find funny is the whole communion and how lazy we've become even in church. Nobody want to walk up front to get the stale bread and wine anymore! Guess they didn't like the akwardness of whether to put out your hand or open your mouth to recieve the dry wafer and the thought of drinking after the old man who created a rainbow with spit ~shudder~.
Now they have a pass around tray where you get your own cup and bread and can pop it where you sit.

Church had become way to commercial for me and all about money too.

Comedy Goddess said...

Oddly enough this makes me a bit nostalgic for the days when I did attend church. Youth group suppers, family pot luck dinners, all sound rather sweet right now.

nonna said...

so many funny things to comment on, yet i just don't feel like doing a long ass comment. i do remember how much i hated it when we had to sing the boring middle verses that nobody ever sang. it was always the boring slllloooow songs too. uggh the thought of trying to sit still and quiet on a hard ass pew makes me cringe! better you than me...at least you can think of funny stuff to post while you're sitting there. hmmm
this still ended up being a long ass post.

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

I'm with Tony and SweetPea on this one...I grew up in a church - Non-Denominational (how's that for non-committal to a religion?) Hubby plays guitar in a church band, but I don't like how humongous that church is, and how 'commercialized' it is. So, I've adopted the 'Where two or more are gathered...' scripture instead. ;)

Diane said...

You could just not go. Works for me!

Captain Dumbass said...

Baby Jesus Cake? I don't know. You might want to stick to your usual church.

CaJoh said...

My wife works at a bakery and they make those "kin" cakes. Interestingly last Wednesday I decided to make pancakes for dinner and low and behold she stuck one of the little babies in the stack and then asked bluntly: "did you find the baby yet"… I guess if you find the baby you have good luck for that year.

Indigo said...

(Eyes crossed) Ayai...if you read my last post you would already know religion isn't ummm...(steps to the left) next question.

Have to tell you though the epiphany cake sounds very, very much like a pagan ritual. Come to think of it a few of the religious holidays had Pagan roots...Ah, no not in the least Pagan. Just a very, very wide diversity of friends.

(Will stop chuckling shortly)..religion is just a sore point these days. But hey whatever works. (Hugs)Indigo

Mary Moore said...

I was positive I had written this post. These are the reasons why I no longer go...

Thanks for the great post.

Keely said...

Never mind *choking* on baby jeebus, I want to know what, exactly, are the implications of baking him into a CAKE and EATING him?

You Catholics are weird.

Braja said...

Jesus wept. No, literally...

I HATE rushers too...you're a Saint, you coulda whacked him 'round back of his head. No problem.

Heinous, honey, why don't you just come and hang out in India, hang out on the banks of a holy river, chant a few oms, kick back, and reach God (with a capital G, but that's only the Indian style guide, I don't want to get all politically correct).

Braja said...

And excuse me.

Plastic.Baby.Jesus.

NO F&^%ING WAY...

Those Catholics, man they're f^%$ed up...all that guilt has messed with their minds...

Janie said...

Sure that priest isn't Cajun? That sounds like those King Cakes they pop at Mardi Gras!

ROFLMAO at Braja!

Threeboys1mommy said...

I happen to find the rusher helpful, especially if I haven't been in a while.

Heinous said...

Paula: We have two to choose from. I'm don't care though. I just mark time for the wife's sake.

Sammanthia: Too sweet, as always.

Jamie: I think the priest should be responsible for the Heimlich in that case.

Stevie: I'm not fussy. I'd have to be wooed with breakfast though.

BTM: Sweeet! Bag o' gummy Jesus. We could make a fortune.

IG: Same cake, different connotation ;)

Robert: It's all about the wife in this case.

Tony: I did my own thing until I got married. I get more nookie this way.

Chicky: Sorry to dredge that up ;)

Robin: Oh no, feel free. You have my blessing and since I'm a saint and all that carries some weight.

Surry: Amen.

Natasha: I hope I can scam some money from the pope for it.

Kirsty: Lol...that's what I call Lutheran.

CG: Time sweetens memories like that.

nonna: Thinking of funny stuff is my hobby in church now.

Stacy: That's a good plan. I'm with you.

Diane: But people would complain that I don't do these posts anymore (Robin2go)

Cap'n: and he was naked... creepy.

Chris: lol...buttered baby.

Indigo: Catholics stole all this stuff from the pagans to pull them in easier. I'm coming by to read that post.

Mary: It's easy enough to make it fun.

Keely: Catholics are weird, they look forward to eating the body of Christ.

Braja: I'll smack him around next time. I'm more of a Soto Zen kinda guy...

Janie: Now that would be an accent to listen to.

3Boys1mommy: I just can't adjust to the different speed. It totally throws me off.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I accidentally baked cupcakes once where a plastic baby batman fell into the batter...is that mean I am gonna have good luck this year? : )

bernthis said...

Try going to synagogue. Service is three hours long. This is why I'm no longer religious.

Momma Trish said...

That's what I want on my headstone. "Choked on the baby jeebus" ... has a nice ring to it, don't ya think? ;)

Kat said...

Well I'd say that this other church sounds way more entertaining. Interesting hairdo's, weird music, and the adrenaline rush that comes with ensuring your child doesn't end up at the dentist or worse? All that adds up to more distraction while you put in your time. That's gotta be worth something.

Mel said...

You know that's what God (or god...) intended when he sent His (...or his) Son (...or son) to earth, that 2000 years later we'd serve our children cake with plastic representations of Him (...or him) inside, and that a crown would be the reward for finding (...or choking) on it.

That damn expat said...

LOL that was an awesome church critique!

Kelley said...

You go to church to prove to the rest of us that life is better as a heathen.

Or is it a heretic?

Or just lazy and liking a sleep in.

anymommy said...

Was there really a plastic baby Jesus in the cake? Are you making that up? I was already glad, but today I am a little more glad that I never go to church.

Vodka Mom said...

that gives "sweet baby jesus" a whole new meaning.

I am laughing out loud right now. Can you hear me over in Loch Haven???

Michele said...

I'm still laughing about suffocating on baby jesus thing.

I hate church shopping. You think you may have found one the fits then you look in the mirror and it makes your ass look fat.

lisa said...

Found your blog through Braja...

Religion isn't my thing...but I'm still loaded with guilt. Go figure??

Strange Pilgram said...

"Farting Guy" makes me think of "Menstruation Mom" who was sitting in front of me one Sunday when I was in high school. She had four or five kids, and you could tell it took her a great effort to get them all dressed and lined up in that pew. Her hair was long and greasy... one of those mothers that seems to be killing herself for her family. And she was bleeding through her skirt. I felt so bad for her that I wanted to give her my sweater to tie around her waist, but I was too embarrassed to.

What a strange thing to remember.

Michelle said...

You can't go wrong with the Lutherans.

April said...

i'm really weirded out by the plastic baby jesus in the cake thing...

David said...

We have lots of recovering catholics at my episcopal church - so if I may make a suggestion, try one of those. They come in "intense" and "light" varieties. I go for the light as the intense model themselves too much like the rc's for my taste.

Mostly I think spirituality is found outside of a church between oneself and one's god. Churches are groups of people who tend to run amok but I do like some good organ music.

David said...

Oh oh - why didn't the plastic jesus melt in the oven - was he really silicone? And no, I don't think the lack of melting was one of those miracles that catholics line up for like a crying watery tears mary-on-the-half-shell.

Queen Bee said...

1. I'm Catholic and most of my friends are some form of Protestant. They never understand why I dread church so much. I try to explain that it's because my masses are about 5 hours longer than theirs. They don't get it.

2. The guy who was singing a verse ahead of everyone else reminds my of my kindergarten kids. We listen to the pledge on the loud speaker every morning and they're always done with it at least 15 seconds before the rest of the school.

3. I'm still laughing...

Giggle Pixie said...

Wow, a farting guy, a song rusher, AND a plastic Jesus choking hazard? Sounds like a great place to go, to me - but then it doesn't take all that much to keep me entertained. :-)

justsomethoughts... said...

methinks you should open your own. maybe even call it asphyx...
never mind

Miss Grace said...

Do you have to go to church? I find not going does wonders for my Sunday.

What about the Unitarians? I like their message. And Episcopalians are nice folks too. Or were you looking for Catholic specifically?

Miss Grace said...

OK I just read more, and I see that the Catholic is a key part of the church. I got nothin'.

Sprite's Keeper said...

I must bring you to a synagogue for one of our Friday night, Saturday morning services. They sing almost everything, you never know if you're standing or sitting, and you get bread at the end. Challah, best bread in the world, and no choking hazards! Just don't ask for butter with your bread. They frown on that. Trust me, I know.

CK Lunchbox said...

For some reason when I saw this two videos this weekend on Youtube I thought of you (and yes, I realize the one is of Anglicans)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npHWX1dciOE

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znnFmTuGVyc

blueviolet said...

The only part of church I object to is the singing. I don't like singing and whose bright idea was it to write 4 verses for each hymn?

creative kerfuffle said...

holy crap do you even read the comments at the bottom? it took me forever to get down here : )
and, choking on the baby jeebus? so much material in that.
we were going to go to church this morning. (we haven't been in ages). however, the water pressure was wonky. like we had none. so, we waited. still no water pressure (cos you can't go to church w/out a shower first). instead we had nookie and then the water pressure was fixed. : ) he he

NoBS said...

Not like you need it, but I'm here to award you The Premios Dardo Award! Details here.

So, is this a Roman Catholic church or Irish? It sounds Roman...you know, it's all the drinking we "catholics" do that causes us to play cruel jokes like trying to choke people with toy idols...

Heinous said...

Sarah: I'd say yes... and an ass-kicking year as well.

bernthis: Ouch, too long for me.

Trish: That would be awesome.

Kat: Hmm... you may be on to something there.

Mel: All part of his plan, I'm sure.

TDE: I should do roving church reviews ;)

Kelley: I like the sound of heathen best.

anymommy: Sadly, yes there was.

Debbie: Faintly... it's mildly disturbing.

Michele: Damn, I forgot to check that there...

Lisa: You are hereby absolved. Let me know if that worked.

SP: That would be horrible. That and she'll be stuck with the tag forever.

Michelle: I was one of those once.

April: You should be.

David: I think it's all inside. Church is a scam.

Queen Bee: Take them to a mass, they'll understand.

GP: It makes life easier when you're easily entertained.

jst: The church of St. Asphyxia!

Miss Grace: I'd rather not but oh well.

Jen: I'd go for something other than stale bread.

Ron: I totally want to do the Darth Vader thing!

blueviolet: Really, two is plenty.

CK: I read them all :) Nookie always trumps church.

NoBS: Thank you! I'll be over. It's RC. It's jokes or go crazy.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

LOL...you are too funny, honestly I can't believe I haven't heard of your blog before!

isn't that some kind of Mexican tradition with the Three Kings and putting baby Jesus in a Cake and if you find it then you celebrate in February...whatever...

that was a funny story!

I was at work the other day and totally had a FART GUY...totally gross...and he was totally a JERK lol!

Cape Cod Gal said...

You know me....if I had been there with "The farting guy" I wouldn't have been invited back.

Rick said...

Hello Heinous,

I just noticed that you became a follower of my blog. I wanted to write and say that I am honored - truly!

Church is like Noah's ark. If it weren't for the storm outside one could hardly stand the smell inside. In the case of the fart follower, this bit of wisdom might not be totally correct.

Thanks again.

Rick

Errant said...

I have never been to any church in my whole life so i have noting to say actually .. but i wanted to ask you this .. since you don't listen or sing .. and you're not comfortable with the whole thing ..why do you go ??

anyways, that was fun to read .. :)

Kylie w Warszawie said...

My priest always has an accent straight out of the Eastern bloc. Of course, that could be because I'm in the former Eastern bloc...

And I loved the "asphyxiation by baby jeebus" line.

My mom used to do this kind of cake with coins, but since she wasn't Catholic she called it "coin cake" or perhaps, "something those damn Catholics do that's stupid". Yeah, the second one sounds a lot more like her.

Tony said...

Last year I actually saw they were selling bread with a little baby Jesus baked right into it. The lady said that if you got the piece with the baby Jesus you'd have good luck throughout the year - that kind of freaked me out. I'd never seen that before. I'd think that biting into a baby Jesus would be bad luck...I guess this is why I don't go to church too often.

Heinous said...

Shelle: It makes you want to stand up, point, and say, "Stop farting, you."

CCG: That may be a good thing.

Rick: As long as you're not too close, it's okay.

Errant: It's all about marital bliss.

Kylie: That would make sense then. The second one just sounds right.

Tony: I'm pretty sure teeth marks are not part of the stigmata.

Lola said...

Once again pointing out all the reasons why I avoid church. I do feel like I'm a better Catholic for reading about you going to church, though ;)

Mo Fabulous said...

Just found your blog.....from a born and raised (and still practicing) Southern Baptist.....for some reason, I'm thankful for you making me laugh and don't find you a bit irreverent. I've got the handbasket ready - see you there! Seriously though. Needed a laugh today - much appreciated.

Heather said...

Oh I love the "rusher" guy!!! That was my dad wanting to get the hell out of church and home to the football game! :)

Heinous said...

Lola: I'm glad I could help.

Mo: Thank you so much for coming by, I'm glad you liked it.

Heather: At least he didn't bring a radio so he could listen during service.

Khadra said...

Baby Jesus in a cake.You keep giving me reasons to not attend ANY church.

Keep going! I dont want to go.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Better late than never? Or I suck? You choose...

Heathen.

Badass Geek said...

The next time I go to church (which may not be for a while), I'll be the Farting Guy.

Just so someone else has something to remember me by.

Casey said...

For some reason, I'm imagining that your priest looks like Gene Simmons. Am I way off?

I can't believe the poor guy farted ten years ago and you haven't let it go. Actually, yes I can since I would be the same way.

The rusher cracked me up, I'm a rusher sometimes too. Shame.

blissfully caffeinated said...

Epiphany cake? I think you're making that up.

:)