14 January 2009

The Ride

Recently, I had the pleasure of taking a drive with my in-laws, my son, and my wife. We were off to do some family thing, but that's not what's important here. The ride is what I want to talk about.

The drive we were taking was a 45 minute ride. Not bad as far as rides go. We stopped for lunch along the way (I had one of the best paninis ever, thanks for asking) and then continued on to our destination. We were about 10 minutes out from arriving and for some reason my mother-in-law was possessed to say, "We should stop at the toy store."

Hello? There's a six year old in the car and we're almost there and will actually be on time and you bring up a toy store? I looked for a suitably heavy object to stun her with but the damage was done.

The Boy piped up, "What toy store?"

Luckily, I'm quick in a crisis and came up with, "Your grandmother is thinking of another city entirely. There is no toy store in this town." I punctuated it with a Dirty Look.

Grammy got the hint and backed me up with, "My mistake, there is no toy store in this town. Score one for my Jedi mojo.

Seriously though, I know they had kids; I'm sleeping with one of them. Do they lose that kind of common sense over the years? The kind of common sense that declares you don't fill a six year old's head with visions of toys on an outing?

Weens.

So we arrived and did the family thing. Blah, blah, blah. We had a great time. Yada, yada, yada.

...and we're back in the car. We're pulling out and my father-in-law looks to the left, announces that the store he's looking at sells ice cream, and zooms off for home. I remembered (too late, luckily for grammy) that they keep the tire iron under the seat but he was driving and I figured it was best not to whack him one.

The Boy: "I want ice cream."

Yeah, because you knew that was coming. God forbid pappy could have figured that out beforehand though.

So we were treated to the extended remix of "I Want Ice Cream," for the next twenty minutes. It's sort of like the song, "I Want Candy," except that there's no tune, you can't groove to it, and it inspires madness and despair.

At some point my FIL told The Boy that he would find him a place to get ice cream. Whatever. I was thinking of walking home by that point.

Finally, we find a McDonald's. Close enough, they have sundaes. We pulled in, gave our order (The Boy opted for chicken nuggets because they're so much like ice cream), and waited. For a long time. Because I've evidently offended the gods and deserve this ride.

We get to the window and get part of our order. Not all of it mind you since counting to two is a life skill that the chick that worked the window never mastered. The skill she did master? Apathy. Truthfully, she could have turned pro. If apathy could be spent as currency, she could have retired then and there.

She literally stared at us when we said we ordered two sundaes and only received one. She didn't turn to correct the situation or ask anyone else to. She stared. Eventually we taught her the concept of this "two" through a combination of speaking slowly and complex gestures involving our index and middle fingers held in a sort of "V" shape.

Welcome to central Pennsylvania!

We finally pulled out. I was more than ready for drinks by this point when more FIL says, "Why don't we go see the deer?"

There's a guy who has some land fenced off. He keeps deer on the land. They look like...um...deer. My son has seen the deer before but in an effort to magically transform the interminable into the intolerable, my FIL offers to make our trip even longer.

Just. Freaking. Awesome.

We drove a bit out of our way. We stared at the deer, they stared at us. Some had antlers, some didn't. They were trees as well. Yippee.

Finally we arrived home. I'm not sure the vehicle came to a full stop before I got out, but I was out.

I'm still plotting to get my in-laws back for that ride.

 

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72 comments:

Diane said...

I'm glad I don't have in-laws.

Diane said...

Ooooh... I was first.

Sprite's Keeper said...

So, tell me more about that panini..

Sprite's Keeper said...

Sorry, a little hungry..

nonna said...

wow! did all of their brain cells leak out after raising your wife or what? maybe that's the beginning signs of dementia and you will be able to stick them in a home soon and never have to go visit them since they won't remember you anyways.

if you're lucky that is

oh, shut up! like y'all haven't wished that on your out laws every once in a while.

IB said...

Dude,

You KILL me.

IB

Mel said...

It started out as a pleasurable ride and ended with you jumping out of moving car. That's a full afternoon!

lisa said...

Oh, so-o-o not fun. Poking your eye with a sharp stick sounds more enjoyable than that ride.

Wayne John said...

Ya know, I have such fond memories of driving around looking at crap with my grandfather, so I'd side on the kids perspective for sure, that was a cool trip.

I plan on buying my friends kids drum sets and loud toys, just because I'm that evil Uncle to them. Plus, I've known the parents since I was 8 or 9, so it's really a family thing at this point.

Aren't you glad you don't know me like that?

Cape Cod Gal said...

I have two words for you....

Nap Time

Whether it is real sleep or fake, many times it has saved me from the urge to leap from the car.

Braja said...

You shoulda just apologized to God. Really Heinous, huge PR gaffe there from your people. Now He's set the little gods onto you and cursed you with the IL's. It could have been worse; I was going to include you in that post and apologize for your whole Saint thing, but i didn't want to shout you out two days in a row. People will talk and Petra will kick my ass...

Braja said...

But you know I love you, don't you?

Chris said...

LMAO @ The Boy opted for chicken nuggets. Don't you just love that! Happy to hear you weren't injured leaping from the car.

@Nonna - Yes, twice... today...

Janie said...

Poor guy. That was a hard day, indeed.

Laughing at the McDonald's girl description. I think I met her in Clearfield.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

WOW...that plays out exactly like Me and My husband in ANY 45 minute drive...

Okay I kid, I kid...

Sort of...

Ann's Rants said...

Weens. Love you for that one. Grandparents are programmed to offer treats and screen time indiscriminantly, and usually right before a meal and at bedtime.

Tenakim said...

I agree the funniest part is the boy ordering chicken nuggets and their similarity to ice cream!

Miss Grace said...

My grandmother always took maniacal pleasure in buying the MOST ANNOYING TOYS POSSIBLE for us, and then sending them home. My dad would call her on it and she would just laugh.

But...now she does the same thing to me, and it's not exactly funny when it's my ears that are bleeding.

Tony said...

Dude - the karma Gods have it out for you. I loved the Jedi reference. I too love to mess with people. Jedi Mind games. Or are they messing with me? Has to be the first. Love your stuff.

Casey said...

That sounds like such a pleasant trip. My parents pull that crap with my kid. When he was only 1 1/2, they would confuse the shit out of him by asking him about things that weren't there like "where's your dog?" when we were at their house. He was like "WTF, Grandma?"

Captain Dumbass said...

It's almost like their memories are wiped clean when the have grandchildren. I love panini.

Stephanie said...

It sounds like a plot that's been years in the making. I give them credit for the sheer genius of their evil plan.

Now you can do it to The Boy when he has a wife and kids. It's the circle of life.

Julia@SometimesLucid said...

Grandparents want to make the parents miserable - I figured that out A LONG TIME AGO!

Tony said...

oh, panini...mmmmmm - sorry.

I would have so been up for the toy store. I love to take my nephew and niece to the toy store because I get stuff for myself too

Robin said...

There MUST be a way to get back the grandparents...
Drop the boy off all sugared up for an afternoon, then speed away as fast as possible? :)

Threeboys1mommy said...

I so didn't read "I had one of the best paninis ever" at 12:30 midnight. .. WAIT! WHAT DID HE SAY!?!
...Awwhh pa-ni-nis.
(huge laugh after I realized my error, sadly not the best time to laugh out loud)

Reading and commenting half asleep is wicked fun!

That damn expat said...

Gee, what did you ever do to your inlaws?

Melanie said...

I think my MIL and your MIL took the same class on How to Inspire Homicidal Rage in Your Son or Daughter-in-law. They offer them at the learning annex, I believe.
Damned higher education.

Kat said...

My FIL has a habit of remembering things he told the kids as we are leaving the place where we can get the item. We were leaving the Christmas lights in my hometown once and as we were driving out the gate he said "Oh yeah LaLa didn't you want one of those glow necklaces" Needless to say for the next 45 min she was crying about a glow necklace that we couldn't get because we had already passed the gate where you pay when he said it. Thanks FIL, thanks.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

All I am going to say is that you are having a good talking to from me today.

And you know why.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I was told in no uncertain terms that grandparents have earned the right to spoil their grandchildren.

Yep, my mom is responsible for offering my son his first "real" hot dog after years of eating tofu dogs. There was no returning to health food for him after that.

Weaselmomma said...

As i giggle to myself, I am just grateful that you can share your pain in order to delight us.

Michele said...

My mother would pull that stunt every. single. time!

I refused to let my FIL drive since the first time I got in the car with him. Dangerous is too polite a word.

Badass Geek said...

I'm pretty sure it's a job requirement for every McDonald's employee to be apathetic.

I'll never ride in the same car as my in-laws.

Csquaredplus3 said...

Those situations are so frustrating and difficult. My parents and my husband's parents are both guilty of contributing to our "insanity bowl" and practice in self-control. We often walk in the house after some time with them and discuss our plan of attack for damage control with the kids.

Just breathe...

goodfather said...

I'm with CDA on this one, I think your FIL has it in for you. Totally. ;)

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I can't wait for the post where you relate how you got back at your in-laws.

Giggle Pixie said...

I would have kicked them out to go live with the deer. Seriously. Oy!

Heinous said...

Diane: You can have mine.

Jen: So. damn. good.

nonna: Retirement homes freak me out. I would be hard pressed to visit.

IB: Thanks!

Mel: Too full by far.

Lisa: I think I deserve an award for surviving the trip.

Wayne: We're lucky. We buy most of the loud stuff anyway.

CCG: Perhaps medication would help....

Braja: Apologize? Never. I've done nothing wrong. Love ya back.

Chris: Seriously... if you're going to whine about ice cream, you should at least get some.

Janie: We weren't too far. Maybe she transferred.

Shelle: Sorry if I caused any flashbacks.

Ann: I can only call them as I see them.

Tena: It's like kids have no internal sense of logic. Go figure.

Miss Grace: It's karma back to bite you on the butt.

Tony: I can't get it to work all the time...

Casey: Nice, screw with the kid's head.

Cap'n: The panini was so good, you should make the trip down.

Stephanie: If I can't take it out on them, I'll get him.

Julia: They must have a hotline they can call if they run out of ideas. Thank you for coming by.

Tony: I wold have been had it not been for the previously scheduled event.

Robin: I use pixie sticks for that.

3b1m: LOL...I'm glad that wasn't on the menu.

tde: I am banging their daughter...

Melanie: We need to shut that place down.

Kat: Wow, that's just wrong. I think a smack is in order.

Petra: I know, I know. It will never happen again.

Meg: True, once you're exposed to 'flavor' it's all over ;)

WM: That's what blogging is all about!

Michele: We need a support group.

BaG: A wise decision.

Chris: It's us versus them.

Jeff: I know where he lives...

PHST: I'll come up with something good.

GP: I would have opted for that by then.

bernthis said...

Hey thanks very very much for my award. It means a lot . I was extraordinarily..ahem...underappreciated in h.s. and this makes me feel like I might be sort of cool.

As far as your car ride with the in laws HILARIOUS. I am like Diane and thank God, I don't have them anymore, well not in my day to day life although my ex MIL still runs my ex's every move. Don't get me started. Glad its over

Khadra said...

I know the "I want ice cream" song all too well. It is even better with two back up singers, an infant yelling, and "I have to pee" thrown into the chorus.

Michelle said...

I have the same problem with Arby's. I have taken to checking my bag before I drive away because those fuckers can't comprehend how to throw a cup of cheese into a bag. I guess it can only be done by managers.

Cameron said...

This is why I refuse to ride in any car, ever. Unless I plan to drink heavily, in which case I let somebody else be the DD. Doesn't really matter if the DD is drunk, so long as they would be the recipient of the DUI and not me.

Mama Dawg said...

Ummm...you do know that your MIL only mentioned a toy store BECAUSE you are sleeping with one of her kids, right?

creative kerfuffle said...

"I had one of the best paninis ever, thanks for asking" i was reading too fast and read PANTIES instead of paninis! LOL
and yeah, i don't know what the hell happens to parents when they get old. but hey, at least they show interest in your kid : )

smiles4u said...

Fricken hilareous! Sorry to laugh at your painful road trip but you just brightened up my day with this...the bonus was reading the comments. Thanks I needed this!!!

Krystal said...

Yeah, when the Grand kids are born, it's like they lose their memories or something. My MIL does it all the time and her husband too!!

Thank God that is the only set of grandparents around these kids - if not I would be needing a padded room!

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Oh paninis! My boyfriend just got a panini maker and yummmm.

My mom does the same thing as your inlaws. For example she brought cupcakes over one morning for breakfast! WTF? When I was a kid all I got to eat was organic vegatarian crap? I think they go through some sort of training program once they become grandparents! : )

PhoenixAwakened said...

LOL thanks for sharing that adventure.

I'm not sure if Grandparents have 'lost' anything or if they're just trying to get back at us ;)

Queen Bee said...

Grandparents act that way because they know that when you finally get out of the car the kid is going with you...not them.

I'm sure you'll have many more rides like this one.

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Madness and despair on the drive home... Why do some days just feel like everything is conspiring against you in an effort to make you turn to pharmaceutical relief?! Wait, you know I'm talking about ME, not you, right?

Vodka Mom said...

You should have downed 10 burritos before the drive. That would teach 'em.

Tracey said...

How was that a bad ride??? Sounds blissful. Really.

Shonda Little said...

There's just something about being a grandparent that makes people lose their fucking minds. Both my parents and my husband's are divorced, so our kids have 7 grandparents instead of 4. They are ALL constantly encouraging chaos.

CK Lunchbox said...

I read the first line and started laughing anticipating where this was going.

My feelings towards the M-I-L are mutual. The girls come home from our trip are want to spend their Christmas money (didn't you just get an ass load of toys that I'm now stepping on in the dark). Their mom and I wanted them to wait a while to spread things out some, but Oooooh no. Gaga, pipes up that she'll take them if we won't.

Their mom decides to tag along hoping to at least teach the girls how to budget money. Of course the first thing the girls start picking out are like 6 times more than what they have. That's when Gaga rides up on a saggy white horse to the rescue. "I'll cover that. What else do you want honey?"

And yes, the concept of "two." In PA if you can master it then you earn the right to remain or to leave the state of your volition. If you cannot, then you are required to stay and not embarrass the commonwealth.

Sammanthia said...

Did you drive? Because I once drove with my in-laws and at one point I saw my fil grab the door handle and mutter something underneath his breath (I'm pretty sure it was "Dear God, she's going to kill us all") and by the time we got to were we were going my mil sweat running down her face.
I don't think I've ridden with them since... I always offer to drive.;)

Diva Ma said...

Too funny! My in-laws are worse..... Guaranteed!

Sandi said...

lol I have four daughters 11, 8, 6 and 1. ALL my car drives are like this. =/ Now we got a DVD player in our new mini van so I am sure I'll be listening to all the great kids shows on our next long...or short...drive.

LadyFi said...

Oh - that is just so hilarious! HILARIOUS!! I can totally relate to this... and as for visiting MFDs - I don't! Because of the having to help them count up to two stuff... Oh - and the fact that their food is crap.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I actually think this whole story is so sweet because my kids see their grandparents for about 2 weeks a year and my FIL does the same things. My dad used to always take my daughter to see cotton. He was kind of obsessed about the cotton. So much so that my daughter finally started saying, as soon as she saw it, "Yes, I HAVE seen cotton up close before PawPaw, can we just go?"

Kelley said...

he he he.

That is usually my husband making the weird arsed suggestions.

And constantly whining 'when are we gunna get there'

And that is why I keep the tireiron strapped to my body. It is just quicker that way.

Father Muskrat said...

In a word: miserable.

My in-laws keep inviting us to DRIVE from Atlanta (they start in Tallahassee and stop over in Atlanta) to some island in one of the Great Lakes where they go every summer for some reason. NO WAY IN HELL. There's a reason God made airplanes, and it's not so I can sit in the back of an Escalade for >1000 miles. Not that I'd spend a week with them anyway.

Indigo said...

On grandparents babysitting turn, bring the noisiest, loudest, no turn off button toys you can find. I mini drum kit works...

I once had a 4 hour drive to Buffalo NY with the in-laws. My daughter loved the song, "Puff the Magic Dragon", by Crosby, Stills and Nash...sigh...grandpa does as granddaughter does...I listened to that song in rewind way too many times. That and "On top of Spaghetti". I now hate both of those songs with a compassion.
Add in grandfather not being able to breath or drive without the window cracked, freezing, cold, swearing to whatever diety would listen to me...I would never, ever make this trip again. (Hugs)Indigo

Midlife Mama said...

OMG that was freakin' hilarious. And the in-laws? Oh, they did that on purpose. Why, you ask? Because they can. They're not geezers enough to not realize that the words "toy store" and "ice cream" are not just random words to a 6 yo. I mean come on. This is called "grandparent's revenge." Oh yes it is. LOL

kirsty815 said...

LMAO very funny, well... for me anyway. The deer thing had me giggling and the chick at the McD's. Priceless!

How to Party with an Infant said...

That was awesome. I feel for you, but look--you got a great post out of it.

"If apathy could be spent as currency, she could have retired then and there." So cool.

Mia said...

When my daughter was about a year old, I took her to a fair where my future In-Laws were waiting to meet her for the first time.

I had her dressed in a very cute little sundress - white with baby daisies on it.

When I got her back, the sundress was chocolate with baby gummi bears on it.

Mew.

I stumbled across your blog via Vodka Mom - love all the posts, you're hilarious & I can relate!

Heinous said...

Jessica: I think you're pretty cool. No worries. Aww..is your ex a momma's boy? How cute.

Khadra: I'm gald I don't have back up singers.

Michelle: or rocket scientists...

Cameron: I prefer driving myself.

Mama Dawg: Damn, was that why?

CK: That's true, he's spoiled by them.

smiles4u: I'm glad you liked it :)

Krystal: I'm glad I'm not alone here.

Sarah: Sure, they torture you and spoil the grandkids.

Phoenix: I suspect it's the latter.

Queen Bee: Not if I can help it.

Amy: I thought it was all about you ;)

Debbie: Now that's payback.

Tracey: It's all yours next time.

Shonda: The bastards...

Ron: You mean I can leave?

Sammanthia: I'm going to next time.

Diva Ma: Do tell...

Sandi: DVD rocks. It's a life saver.

LadyFI: I don't like McD, but it was the only oasis.

Kylie: Lol...honesty is so easy for kids.

Kelley: Good thinking. Do you warm it up first?

Fr. Muskrat: No way...never. You're a wise, wise man.

Indigo: We should get a drum kit, good thinking.

Midlife Mama: I'll have to save it up for my boy then. Thanks for stopping by.

kirsty: The deer are so entertaining.

Kaui: I'll go through a lot for a good post. Thank you for coming by.

Mia: Lol...they got you good on that one. Thank you for coming by.

Moonlight Hollow Musings said...

Your post was funny...although I AM a Grammy! Here's the thing:

You don't get it...paybacks are hell!

:) Malisa

Heinous said...

Malisa: Aha! So it is a conspiracy ;)

Lola said...

Man, you're such a downer on a road trip ;)

TheCynicalOptimist said...

HA! THis is great, I especially loved this line:

It's sort of like the song, "I Want Candy," except that there's no tune, you can't groove to it, and it inspires madness and despair.

That IS my very existence!!!!