28 January 2009

I Never Knew...

My wife and I were driving around the other day and got caught behind a particularly slow driver. I don't know how we get into conversations like this sometimes, but here it is:

The Wife: "If that idiot wants to park, he should use the lot over there, not the turning lane."

Me: "Yeah; that and I don't like his license plate."

TW: " 'He Gene?' Maybe his name is something like Howard Edward Gene."

Me: "He should have sounded it out before ordering it. It sounds like his boyfriend's name is Gene."

TW: "He can't be gay. Gays don't drive minivans."

I briefly thought about this in an effort to refute it, but I then realized that not a single one of my gay friends has a minivan. Curious.

Me: "So you're saying that gays have too much style to drive a minivan?"

TW: "Exactly... Lesbians, however, do drive minivans. I have experience with that."

We pulled into the lot and she caught site of the guy driving and said, "He's elderly too."

Me: "So there aren't any old, gay dudes?"

I hadn't known that it wore away over the years like a fine patina gently buffed off of a favored copper pot.

TW: "...and look, he's using a handicapped spot."

Me: "Yet another fine reason for him not to be gay."

The Wife countered with, "Just as good as you thinking he was gay due to his license plate."

Touché, mon coeur.

We ended up laughing at how goofy we sounded as we got out, but overall it was quite the educational day for me.

 

70 comments:

Sprite's Keeper said...

I hate to refute you but I have 2 gay friends who drive minivans. They are together, so would that make them more one than two?

Heinous said...

Jen: I knew it. I am off to refute my wife now.

Comedy Goddess said...

I think this kind of conversation occurs more often than not. Really. We all speculate on the slow driver menaces. And you two are not profiling gay or old or handicapped or gay old handicapped people. Never!

Father Muskrat said...

You wrote this to deliberately offend me, because I just posted about buying a minivan last weekend. Dick.

Father Muskrat said...

Oh, and my gay neighbors drive a BMW 335i, a Nissan pickup, a Jag, a Hyndai Sonata, a Ford Freestyle, a Jeep Cherokee, a Citroen, and a Honda Ridgeline. No minivans.

Heinous said...

CG: Nope, just profiling minivan drivers.

Fr. Muskrat: Now everyone in the hall is wondering why I burst out laughing. Sorry about that, man. (a little sorry about offending you, but more for the fact you have a minivan.)

Queen Bee said...

When I was in high school me friends and I took a pact that no matter what we would never drive minivans. I guess we'll see if we stick to it when we have kids but right now I still hate them.

April said...

wow, i love the deductive reasoning :-)

Diane said...

Yeah... I know gay guys who have kids... they have a mini-van. AND I know an old gay guy. Who parks in a handicapped space. His name isn't Gene. But, damn, I wish is it was!

Chris said...

My gay friend called me to tell me he was buying a Subaru Outback. He said, "Do you think it's too much of a lesbian car?"

We had a conversation similar yours with The Wife. I had no idea so much was at stake with car identity.

I can't do the minivan thing though. Sorry Muskrat.

nonna said...

hmm..i love my mini-van. i learned to drive in one. it can carry lots of people in it. it can haul your shit when you break up. it can even be borrowed by a friend to 'get some' while your hanging out in the club by yourself...

creative kerfuffle said...

hmmm, i have lesbian friends who drive a little pick up truck, a gay guy friend w/ a little pick up truck and i do know some old gay people, but they aren't handicapped. i profile rednecks, cos you can spot their vehicles soooo easily. there is always a)a number that corresponds to a nascar driver's # and b)a calvin pissing on something.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

hahaha. well, at least I know in my minivan no one will mistake me for an old, gay guy.

BedsideTalesMan said...

Wow....it sounds like manicmariah and I. We have conversations like that ALL the time.

I love it.

And gay men do not drive minivans.

Phil Bennett said...

I feel like a real man...in my minivan. :)

That might be a good line for a song...hmmmm

Heinous said...

Queen Bee: My wife and I had that same conversation. So far, so good.

April: It's like listening to two geniuses, isn't it?

Diane: You're breaking molds all over down there.

Chris: Lol...I didn't know that about Subaru. I think the car identity only really applies to minivans (unless it's Muskrat, of course.)

nonna: I hope your friend put down a blanket.

CK: We have a lot of Bubbas around here.

Petra: I don't think you'll have any issues with that.

BTM: Great minds...

Phil: Lol...that would make an awesome song.

The Dental Maven said...

Ooooo boy. Hey Chris, my husband drives a Subaru, should I be concerned?

Cameron said...

I'm confused. What did you learn? :)

for a different kind of girl said...

Now I question my motives for having a minivan...

:)

lisa said...

Did you look inside the van to see if it was nicely decorated? Wait, is that profiling??

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

I have a gay friend who drives a mini van. He is in a band and its basically to carry musical equipment in...but still

Lorraine said...

We caught such flack from our kids when we bought the last minivan. They are good for moving kids back and forth from school, but we're done with that and the van goes in April!!!

Joanie said...

I've had 2 minivans. They were great with 3 kids... one in the front, one in the middle, one in the back, nobody fights.
Now I drive a Pontiac Vibe. What does that say about me? (great little car, BTW)

Mel said...

See? That's what I hate about personalized plates. They make otherwise intelligent people (I'm assuming ;)) have conversations like this. It's probably a miracle we don't all wreck trying to figure them out. Maybe that's what happened to He Gene, and that's why he parks in a handicapped space?

Cindy said...

conversation is always great when we spend time with our spouse!

mo.stoneskin said...

All very insightful, I suppose you haven't read the bestseller "Gays, The Elderly and Minivans"?

♥ spoiled mommy ♥ said...

LMAO!!
Sounds like a convo between my husband and myself.
Regarding minivans-he wants one soooo bad, I tried to get around it w/the SUV but its just not working so I finally caved and told him when we are able or when mine dies we will get a minivan-wahhhhh!!

Irish Gumbo said...

And an educational day for all of us too! What about people who drive Cooper Minis?

I knew a gay guy who drove a Ford pickup truck. He wore baseball caps with heavy metal band logos on them, too. people often thought he was a redneck, but 'gayneck' was probably closer.

Debbie said...

You both have backgrounds in psychology, don't you?

Cakelet said...

Minivans are sexy. I think everyone, young or old, gay or straight, man or woman should have a least one minivan experience. They can do it all.

Heinous said...

TDM: She's the expert.

Cameron: The whole minivan and who drives them thing.

fadkog: I won't tell.

Lisa: I didn't think to. Next time I will.

Sarah: It's still more more me to refute with.

Lorraine: Good for you!

Joanie: Hmm...sexy.

Mel: So he's getting revenge then. Ingenious.

Cindy: I agree whole heartedly.

Mo: I'll ask for it at Borders

SM: I'd keep it going for as long as possible.

IG: Lol...'gayneck.'

Debbie: You would think, wouldn't you?

Cakelet: I don't know if I can be sold on 'sexy.'

anita ovolina said...

I don't want to drive a minivan anymore. I want a nice red Ferrari he he he he from Italy

Khadra said...

Funny, but Im still trying to figure out the license plate.

was there a space? Was it actually He Gene?

I shall obsess now.

Giggle Pixie said...

Wow! So gay guys don't get old, aren't disabled, and don't drive minivans? DAMMIT. No wonder they're always taken!!!!

Captain Dumbass said...

It's the glue that holds our relationships together.

Crazy glue.

Get it?

Ya, it was lame, but I drive a mini... man-van. I drive a Manly Man-Van.

blueviolet said...

I love how you call it an educational day due to the conversation. :)

Travis Erwin said...

This si wrong I know, but I'm thinking an old gay dude is bound to have bad knees and therefore he would be handicapped.

Miss Grace said...

The other day my son told me that I don't like sports books, because they're for boys.

While I like sports just fine, I can't think of a single girl I know who wants to read a book about them.

So I said nothing.

Moonspun said...

that's hilarious.

Tracey said...

Oy... You guys crack me up.

Vodka Mom said...

I'm thinking she should do a guest post.

for sure.

Cakelet said...

Yeah... well... if you can't be sold on minivans as sexy, maybe you just have to expand your horizons a little. Or, you know, lower your standards. Either one.

SweetPeaSurry said...

I was driving around with my niece one day. Taking her hither and thither. Out of the blue, I thought how funny it would be if we had a race of people with pea sized heads. I apparently said it out loud too, because she nearly died laughing.

We had a conversation about pea-sized pod people for another ten minutes. It was pretty funny.

I love impromtu and odd conversations like that.

Ann's Rants said...

One caveat: I bet gay florists drive minivans. Wait a minute. GAY...FLORISTS?!? Impossible.

Fragrant Liar said...

Um, I'm telling!

Your profiling is politically incorrect. But then, so is a gay guy in a minivan.

I love those intimate conversations between partners. You can just say anything, can't you? No matter how silly. Oh, I long to be married again.

Not.

Casey said...

I hate slow drivers. That's what I took away from this, not that old gay dudes don't drive minivans.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

He Gene??? Really? Really? Not just Gene or I'm Gene or Hawt Gene?

Cape Cod Gal said...

I have to agree with you on the minivan part. None of the gay dudes I know drive minivans, even the old ones.

Bella@That damn expat said...

He Gene? That sounds awful lot like hygiene.
Maybe he misses the good old days of being the school monitor (or whatever those little narcs were called).

Kat said...

According to my Auntie A, reason #456 to not own a minivan is that "when you are stopped at an intersection no man will ever look at you 'like that' again!"

Braja said...

Oh, please...the guy was an idiot.

This was the deepest post you've done, Jim. Isn't that scary?

:)

Weaselmomma said...

These are the best types of conversations because they are just fun and silly. Definitely a plus in a relationship.

Badass Geek said...

Hey, if Dexter (from the Showtime show) can drive a minivan, I don't see anything wrong with it.

I would never drive one, but still. They aren't all bad.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Why is everyone always picking on drivers of mini-vans? This is 2009 people. Stop being so close-minded.

Mustang Sally said...

After a Google search (cause you never know... maybe there was a company HE Gene out there somewhere), I came across this...

http://dev.biologists.org/cgi/content/abstract/122/10/3067

So maybe the guy's a biologist!

Then, I came across a LOT of H.E. (Gene) so-and-so's, too, so maybe it is just his name.

I was just curious.

ChurchPunkMom said...

dude! Muskrat is so not gay.. that was just.. mean. (see, bro? I got your back..)

and IG, Cooper minis are like a pre-req for being gay.. that or an overcompensating soccer mom..

er, something.

Tony said...

I know a gay guy and he doesn't drive a minivan, he's not eldery, and he's not handicap - you may be on to something there

Heinous said...

Anita: I support you in your decision. Go ahead and get one ;)

Khadra: There was a space.

GP: Seriously. I'd convert for the perks if I could work up the interest.

Cap'n: Crazy is the best way to describe it.

blueviolet: Valuable life lessons were learned ;)

Travis: That would hamper things...

Miss Grace: Hell, I don't want to either.

Moonspun: Thanks :)

Tracey: Luckily, we crack each other up too.

Debbie: Baby steps. Let's get her to read the blog first.

Cakelet: I'm sure you would make them utterly hot.

Surry: Those are the best conversations.

Ann: I didn't think about that. Florists get a pass.

FL: I try to avoid PC. It hampers my speech.

Casey: Slow drivers are the bane of modern society.

24@heart: That was it...

CCG: You're not helping in my case here.

Bella: Didn't you always want to beat them?

Kat: LOL...I hadn't thought of it that way. She's right though.

Braja: It is. I hope this doesn't get too highbrow for people.

BG: I hadn't thought of the Dexter angle.

Meg: Scary that it's so talked about ;)

Sally: That's too cool that you looked that up.

CPM: No, I was saying he couldn't be gay due to the minivan. It's the snuggie that makes me wonder.

Tony: It's time for a scientific study.

Mama Dawg said...

I love your wife. She's a trip.

CaJoh said...

OK, it's the turn lane NOT the merge lane. I hate it when people come into the street and hang out in the turn lane only to merge into traffic— especially when you want to turn yourself.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

WOW...that is the definition of our traffic jam where I live. I live in a retirement community...or pretty close...it's warm here in the winter so we get "Snow Birds"...anyway...even though it's a small town, you have to plan ahead just in case you get behind a Handicap Van Driver who is or isn't gay! :)

Cat said...

I've never known a gay man to frequent metal concerts, either. Too angry, and possibly not enough Streisand.

Krystal said...

Well, all I can say is gay, straight, bi-sexual or tri-sexual (can you tell I saw Now I pronounce you Chuck & Larry recently? ) mini-vans are cool!! They are so cool that we went above and beyond a minivan and got a 12 passenger!!! yeah, now that is a cool van!!! (Can you tell I have no life and am so proud to carry a preschool with me wherever I go?)

Aleta said...

Lol. I love conversations like these. It's a little snippet of life and we get to listen in!

Kirsten said...

Everybody knows old people can't be gay! Where have you been? :)

Kylie w Warszawie said...

In answer to your technorati tag...because you already have someone to have sex with you.

My husband hated the minivan...but with four kids it's not like you can get something else. Well, an SUV would work, but I hate those.

So we got the minivan. And he bought a motorcycle.

Lola said...

Well, I know two gay guys that drive mini vans, but one because he's in a band and the other because he's one of those dog show people.

Listen to me, being prejudice against dog show people!

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

Right on for letting us in on this highly controversial convo with your wife. And I just got a mini-van two months ago and I'm lovin it. At least it's not breaking my break when I haul my 19-month-old in and out.

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

Love the interactive conversation...sounds like the type hubby and I have! ;)

I wanted a hybrid SUV, hubby bought me a minivan. But apparently that's sexy? Or not...haven't decided yet... ;)

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