So I really wanted to do the Spin Cycle this week and I kept racking my brain trying to think of either what I was guilty about in the past or what I was guilty about now and I just kept coming up with nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I have done things that I've been hugely guilty about in the past. There was the first woman that I was engaged to that I broke off. There were other women too, some with names that were erased by a combination of alcohol and time. There was that persistent feeling that I should have been by my mother's side more during her chemo even though I was a three hour drive away and taking college courses. I made it home nearly every weekend, but it never seemed like enough.
I do the occasional thing now and then that I feel guilty for, but nothing big like in the past; I outgrew that hedonistic asshole phase. I might spend a little too much time on the computer or not help out around the house as much as I usually do, but the associated guilt is fleeting at best. Small stuff, small guilt.
Then I started to wonder if I had reached some glorious state of amorality. Well, not amoral, just differently moralled (bite me, I can make up words.) I say 'glorious' because wouldn't it be wonderful not to feel guilty about things sometimes?
Then I realized it wouldn't be so glorious.
Feeling guilty, for all its pitfalls, shows us what we care about. Where our humanity lies. It points us in the direction of our flaws so we can kick at them and try to overcome them. It shines the light on things we could have done better so we can actually do them better the next time. Maybe not as perfectly as we would like, but better.
It's about growth.
I realized that over the years, I've felt less guilty about things because I've done less things to be guilty about. I've gone and grown in spite of myself and learned to forgive myself for the dumb things I've done and will undoubtedly continue to do.
Wishing you the same :)