29 October 2008

School Picture Day

I'm not a big fan of school pictures...or any sort of organized picture taking for that matter. Hell, I'm not even a little, teeny fan of them. I prefer candid shots. I have roughly a billion of them, so if I need a good one, it's just a quick digital flip away. The Wife however just has to have them. One or two a year. Now that The Boy is in kindergarten, we can at least forgo the whole scheduling routine. So here's how my first class picture went:

The night before, The Wife announces that The boy will participate in a bath and hair washing activity. He didn't seem to mind much. Boffo. So after dinner, she was on the phone and the boy wanted to play soccer in the house. (Hey, it was a soft, little ball, don't look at me like that. We hardly ever break anything.) I said, "Okay."

We play for a bit and I pretty much just stand there and block an occasional shot. One time (oddly enough, the last time for the night) I blocked a shot by trapping the ball. He kept running and launched a kick at it.


I was wearing shoes; he was not.

"Waaaaaa, Mommy!"

"Dude, are you okay?"

He calmed down after a few minutes and we found that he had bent his nail back a bit on his toe. Ouchy, yes, but he was working on a oscar.

One band aid and one popsicle later, all seemed to be well. Then The Wife said, "Let's go take a bath so you can look good for your picture tomorrow."

"Waaa, my toe hurts too much to take a bath."

Of course, I got 'the look' at that point. Wha? Me? He's the one not taking a bath and he kicked me. I was utterly not at fault here.

I went to do dishes. When in doubt, I find that some light housework takes the heat off.

The Wife came in after a few minutes and smacked me (playfully...mostly) in the shoulder and said, "You just had to sabotage me."

"Me? I'm an innocent here. It was The Boy."


and back to dishes for me...

The morrow comes...

The Wife has one day a week that she works an evening so I come in an hour early and we split the day. I'm at my desk and the phone rings. Hmmm...I see it's the cell phone.


*whud* *whud* *whud* (that's the sound the back of the car seat makes when it's being kicked...also insert assorted screams and wails.)

"The Boy will not get out of the car to go to school."

"Be right there."

Aside: I'm lucky here. Work is roughly two minutes from work. It would be one minute, but there's this pesky 'school zone.' in the way.

Tangent: School is also five minutes from my house. That's right, I can drive to school, boot The Boy out of the car, and make it to work in under seven minutes. My life rocks.

Anyway, I get there and she had coaxed the wiener out of the car. I grabbed his school bag and we trooped to the doors. He was still all blubbery, but I'm immune to that stuff. He's a first class actor. We got inside and the reason for the outburst was, "I don't wanna get my picture taken."

So I said, "You don't have to get it taken if you don't want to." Hah! Score one against the tyranny of posed pictures!

The Wife chimed in, "That's right, you don't have to."

Game, set, and match baby.

His teacher came down and we got him into the classroom and that was that.

Later, another call from the cell.


"Hi daddy! I got my picture taken today!"

I sure seemed to be my cell, but who was this child on the other end? I asked, "Did you have fun?"

"Yup, I was the first in line."

What I wanted to say: "Well what the hell was all that crap this morning?!"

What I said, "Well, that's awesome buddy. I'm proud of you."


This is why I hate organized pictures. They induce psychoses in women and children. I know it's some sort of plot by the Joint Photographic Experts Group. I will find a way to stop it. It's my mission.


Speaking of pictures:


That's right, that's me in my awesome, new, customized t-shirt from Jen at Steenky Bee. I was hand (well, mouth actually) picked by the only and only Henners. Seriously though, it's kinda the nicest one that I have. You know...since guys don't buy new ones until the old ones are pretty much unrecognizable as clothing.


Only a few days until Halloween if you're interested in my Halloween story : Click the linky.



The Stiletto Mom said...

...and FIRST!!!!

ok, now going back to read and check you out in that famous steenky tshirt!!!

The Stiletto Mom said...

Heinous...lookin' good in your new duds!!! I'm still just green with envy that I didn't win but I'm happy for you. But not Cameron, who cheated. :)

For school pictures, I make our son practice not smiling like a serial killer. He smiles...we look in the mirror...serial killer. Important to note: when he's not posing he could light up a room with his sunny smile...on picture day though, not so much. Sigh....

goodfather said...

Dude, excellent shirt! Color me also green with envy.

Third! I think.

for a different kind of girl said...

School picture day here is always a disaster. Slumping in front of the camera. Scowling. So, so bad. We never buy them and, instead, take them to Target for photos. They used to love getting their photos done there, but now that they're getting older and, ahem, moodier, it's a bit of a struggle. Somehow, and I don't know how, we end up with one or two keepers.

L.O.V.E. the custome-made shirt! That's awesome!

Jamie said...

Totally with you on the craptacular event known as picture day.

Lovin the shirt - I might be just a tad jealous!

Tony said...

we just got my nephew's pictures back. They put the kids name in gold letters on the corner - thing is they misspelled his name.

Cool shirt Dude.

Heinous said...

Mary Anne: First again? Amazing. Isn't that the same smile John McCain uses?

goodfather: I lucked out on that one.

fadkog: We can't get the boy to cooperate for pics anywhere. I wonder if he can smile under sedation?

Jamie: I'd let you wear it, but you're way over there and I'm here.

tony: Just more reason to ban these things...

Tara said...

I think the same photographer that takes Stiletto Mom's school pix has been round to my son's school.
I mean, the boy is hugely photogenic and yet his school photo made him look like well, yes a serial killer. Just how do they do that?
'Come on son, look as downright miserable as you can for the shot'
Anyway, cool T. So didn't recognise you without your Heinous hat.

Diane said...

Like you, I HATE school pics... they are always fugly (even the cute kids are fugly... the ugly ones have NO chance!). I did find an amazing photographer in Charlotte, though, and I used to take Ryan once or twice a year. When she was 2, we were on our way to have her birthday portrait done... she was running down the sidewalk when THWAP! Down she went... and stood up with a massive, bloody scrape from her forehead to her chin. Lovely. So her 2-year-old picture was done when she was 2 1/2 (and she wasn't a drama queen then, but MY GOD, when she was The Boy's age, she was colossal).

PS... nice T-shirt :)

Jori-O said...

Yes, school pics do bring out The Weirdness. I hate paying so much for crappy photos, but I am afraid I will regret not getting them. I much prefer candid shots as well.

And you are a smart man to go do some dishes when you feel the heat. Can you talk to my man?? =)

Anonymous said...

Sweet shirt! love it!!

Vodka Mom said...

OMG School picture day is a day from HELL. Each of my children ( EACH) cut their hair in some way on a picture day. I was at the hairdresser's for Bitchy, Sassy AND the Golden Boy on nights before pictures. In kindergarten, Golden Boy used his dad's clippers on the FRONT of his hair. That was a classic.

Sprite's Keeper said...

"Boot the boy"... Love it! I think I want the next child to be a son just so I can use that line!
Love the shirt.
Jen needs to have another contest so I can rig it my way.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

After so many pics of me with my eyes closed my mom stopped having me get pictures taken.

Thus I'm pretty laid back with my kids. The only requiremet--no milk or chocolate mustaches.

Wayne John said...

Yeah, that's a cool shirt for sure. You wear that out in public? hahahaha Nah, it's right on man.

Hey, school pictures are meant to look like crap and take the most unforgettable picture for the parents. Even the bad apples amongst all the years are good to have. Just snap a picture of him close up in the hallway and put some numbers under it.

I have one of those from 4th grade I think. Total mug shot. Stinking pictures.

Cameron said...

Who doesn't hate school picture day? Only the vane girl that looks to pose it up for the camera, that's who. Hey cool shirt...when steenkybee makes it big we'll have a priceless work of art on our hands.

Cape Cod Gal said...

It is totally school day. I do the yearbook stuff, Casey hits the high school story....we're all hitting the memory bank

Ron said...

picture day is one of the unfortunate events children wince at later in life. I sabotaged all mine - cold sores, mysterious large red dot on forehead., etc... when your done cutting off all the boys toes and fingers I'll be glad to provide a few for inspiration.

The shirt totally looks Steenky.

Heinous said...

Tara: I like to mix up the look every once in a while.

Jori-O: Have him post a comment, I'll set him straight for you ;)

Mrs.D: It's a collector's item already. I can feel it in my bones.

Deb: If The Boy does that, I'm letting him go that way. If I can sneak him by The Wife...

Jen: I'll root for you for the contest. Boys are fun, you should totally have one.

Meg: That's a nice strategy. Sneaky.

Wayne: That should be a background option. "Line up with number."

Cameron: It'll be Picasso all over again. People will be scouring their attic for undiscovered Steenky.

CCG: It must be the alignment of the stars.

Ron: I wonder if I can conspire with him next year...

steenky bee said...

Whoo-hoo! Picture day! Two picture days in your family! Lookin' good there Heinous! Lookin' good!

You know, I'm so not an organized picture person. Grandparents eat that crap up, but I like taking random snap shots that capture our personality better. I can't believe your little guy put up such a fight. Make sure you tell him that the camera will not steal his soul.

Casey said...

Can you please come with me the next time my son's preschool does pictures? It was the first time he's had formal pictures and those jerks suckered me out of a crapload of money. I had to have EVERY shot. Even the one with him holding a book upside down pretending to read. Glad your reverse psychology worked and I love the Steenky Bee shirt. I'm jealous.

Lola said...

Love the shirt! We all hate picture day in this house, so I sign up for the $13 package and send the boy to school in his finest skull t-shirt. Every time he brings those pictures home, I laugh and file them in the crap photo box. They're so unnatural that you wouldn't even know it's him.

Posed pictures are for professional models only. Action shots suit the rest of us so much better!

Nap Warden said...

Great shirt!

For the record...I hate picture day:P

Lawyer Mom said...

We got the Costume Express Halloween Catalogue in the mail this year. Mr. M of course recognized himself when he saw the kid in the "Psychopath" costume -- since it resembled his every school picture. That was his top pick, which I nixed. Big white canines bared like a werewolf, hair spiked up weird after making the trip to school in a staticky hooded jacket. No effing way; no thanks. I never order those GD school pictures. Pure torture they are.

Captain Dumbass said...

So very very jealous.

School pictures were great for back in the day before digital cameras, but I take a 100 shots a day of my kids. Why do I need to pay somebody else to do it?

That said, I still did pay for my son's kindergarten pictures this year. Because my wife said so.

Cat said...

I heart your shirt. Oh, and children that age are irrational. All it probably took to change his mind was hearing that his friends wanted to take pictures. That's part of the beauty of it though. Hey, boy - want to sweep the floor? NOOOOO! I don't wanna. Oh, ok - I'll call your buddy over and he can do it, because he LOVES to sweep the floor. NOOOOOO! I wanna do it! Or something like that.

Michele said...

Why is it that you send your child to school on picture day looking like a Stepford kid but when you get the pictures back that same perfectly groomed child looks like the victim of a zombie attack?

Love the T-shirt. I was so jealous.

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

The sad part is those 'school pictures' always look shitie. I look back on mine and I think WTH was my mom thinking...dressing me in that stupid outfit. Gosh I hate those things. My daughter has makeup pictures today and I told her I wasn't about to spend 30 bucks for those crappy photos and just take them for the year book...

Oh and I feel sorry for your wife, she was trying really hard not to crack... Crap I know how she feels .. some of my morning ERRRRR..

Love the t-shirt... it rocks..

Kirsten said...

That funny! My daughter is training for her Oscar as well. Small world.

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Were *you* first in line for *your* shot, too?


Heinous said...

Jen: It's the shirt. It makes me look better. They should make a 'soul eater' camera line. I think it would sell.

Casey: Sure, I'll talk you down. You got the fridge magnets too, didn't you?

Lola: A crap photo box. That's a great idea to have them all in one place and easily accessible.

NW: I'm with you...join the cause.

LM: That's a good idea for a costume. We won't have to search for for an inspiration pic either.

Cap'n: Sorry man. (but for the record, It's mine, all mine!) Yeah, the democracy of the house. One wife, one vote.

Cat: Thanks for stopping by. Isn't it amazing with kids. He will help the neighbor with his garden for hours but we can't even get him to drop a bulb in a pre-dug hole at our place.

Michele: It's the conspiracy I tell you...

Carrie: I try to be there so she doesn't.

Kirsten: We should get them together. They could share acting tips.

Ellie: Nope, I was always in the back 'talking too much' or 'disrupting the class' or 'having poor handwriting.'

Khadra said...

Love the shirt!
Check my September posts for a picture day post. I hate school pictures.

Deb said...

Always get the school pictures. Lock them away. When the kids turn into smart-ass know-it-alls (16 in my son The Dude-Man's case), those pictures can be used for torture and humiliation in oh so many ways. They suddenly appear on-line, in a school newspaper, as a life-sized poster taped to the back of your car. Pay back's a bitch!

Bee's Musings said...

Picture day. I hated taking pictures! I always made weird faces and to think they are now all cataloged in year books makes me want to retch.

You, on the other hand, look hawt in that steenky bee tee! ;o)

Ann said...

Good choice with the dish washing.
Good man.
I've learned to not push regarding picture day. Peer pressure takes over and the 'herding of sheep' movement takes place as well.
(I can't wait to see your lovely new shirt in a couple of months. Are you a stains and holes kinda guy?)

Stephanie said...

Snazzy shirt. Good move on the dishes. When in doubt, always clean.

jennster said...

LOL- that shirt is awesome!!!! i lov eit!!! haha

steenky bee said...

Um hello? Stalk you next week. I'm outta here sucka!!

Heinous said...

Khadra: Interesting how it creates so many icky memories and yet it persists.

Deb: I'm right there with you on that one. The boy of mine had earned his share.

Bee: Don't worry, no one looks at those things except at reunions. Hawt? Me?

Ann: Nah, I'll treat that all nice...it's a collector's item.

Stephanie: I have awesome survival skills like that.

Jennster: Of course, it's steenky!

Jen: Until then...I'll just have to lay around and mope.

Anonymous said...

Well, I hope you had a bath and washed your hair before getting YOUR picture taken!

Heinous said...

Dana: Well of course I did. I couldn't sully that shirt ;) Thanks for coming by!

Mike said...

Ahh...picture day. Somewhere in my mom's treasure trove are numerous photos of me blinking for the camera.

Red Cup Mom said...

School pictures suck big time. I agree with you and everyone else on that.

But you look cute in your picture. In your prime, eh? Hope the shirt doesn't get any holes in it for a long while.

Heinous said...

Mike: You should get those out and post them. I won't, but you should ;)

Jen: If 40 is prime, I'll take it.

Anonymous said...

I am so damn jealous of that shirt.

Also...Lookin' good. ;)

Heinous said...

Jen: You can come here and look at it any time you want. Thanks ;)

Sherendipity said...

HA! You called your kid a wiener. You're awesome.