11 October 2008

The Road Trip

Today is the day that I turn 40. It's no big deal to me since I'm precisely one day older than yesterday and I think you're only as old as the crap you can still pull off. Since it's a nice, round number though, I've decided to honor it by blogging a few experiences which have made me happy that I've actually survived to make it to 40.

Don't try this stuff at home kids. I'm a highly-trained idiot.

I belong to a fraternity, the name isn't important here, just the fact that we used to road trip regularly to the college where our fraternity was founded. This was done to show how proud we were of our heritage and I think there was drinking involved too.

So some of us hopped in the car it was off to New York with us. It was a station wagon from the 60's and was just about as long as your average houseboat. In short, the perfect road-trip-mobile.

We got there around eight or so and promptly started drinking exploring our heritage. After a few hours, when we were appropriately sauced, we took a tour of campus and made our way back to the house.

I may have inadvertently forgot to mention that one way of celebrating our heritage was by getting a brand. You read it right -- a brand. Just like cows. But dumber. Why dumber? Because cows have no choice and can't opt out. I should mention that I would totally do it again, but that's because wisdom has not been bestowed upon me across the board. It's shown a sense of whimsy and has been selective in enforcing itself.

Here's what I would not do again:

When we got back to the house, it turned out that the dude in charge of the brand was dead drunk in his room. Which was locked. I mean he was really drunk. I don't know how many people could sleep through four rowdy inebriates pounding on their door at midnight, but I do not number among them.

After a while we gave up. I, however, am a creative thinker. Outside the box is where I live so I said, "Maybe we could get in through his window if it's not locked." We all thought that idea was boffo until one of my brothers pointed out that we were on the third floor.

"Pfft," said I, "That just means his window probably isn't locked."

We entered an adjoining room and found that there was no ledge.


We did notice though that there was one of those ladders that unrolled in each room so that there was a method of egress in case of fire. We borrowed it.

This house had no fourth floor, but it did have an attic. The house had a flat roof and a trap door that led up to it, presumably for star-gazing or a quiet afternoon of cloud watching and tea. Most definitely NOT for drunken assholes looking to mutilate themselves.

But there we were anyway striking fear into the heart of common sense.

The ladder was unrolled and with three guys holding it at the top -- they had to since there was no place to hook it on to -- I descended. On the way down I heard someone say, "If we drop him, his mom's gonna be pissed."

I thought, "and I should regain the power of speech and walking in only a few short years." I was drunk though, so it was really funny at the time.

I got down to the third floor and found that I was at the window that we had pilfered the ladder from.

"Hey, you guys need to swing me over to the left one window." Being the accommodating lads they were, they swung me over while I held on tight. I got to the window, which was unlocked, and climbed in.

I heard someone say, "Holy shit! Did he make it or fall off?" He sounded worried so I called up, "Not dead."

I flipped on the light and shook the guy awake. Once he was up I asked him where the brand was. He found it and handed it too me. About this time, he had regained most of his senses and said, "How'd you get in the room?"

I just said, "Window," and let him ponder that one. I unlocked the door and the rest is fairly self-explanatory. If you've ever wondered what a localized third-degree burn feels like, it's not too bad. I know because by the time it came to get the brand I was pretty much sober. It's the healing part that's sort of ouchie.

More daring adventures later!


Puff Matty said...

LEE HARVEY!! I wanna party with you, cowboy! Forgettaboutit!

Happy B-day you alcoholic. Nothing wrong with that--i'm just jellus cuz i cant drink over here...

gathering dust said...

haha! oh, alcohol induced escapades are the best kind!

happy birthday! i'll do a shot for ya tonight!

HeatherPride said...

Wow, you totally missed your calling as a cat burglar. Also, I am so not hard-core enough to party with you on your birthday, wild man! But have a happy one anyway!

Kat said...

I bet he is still wondering how the hell you managed to get through the window!

Ron said...

Holy Crap! ok didn't know you were Spider Man. It's stuff like you think about with an ensuing thought of, "If I find out my kid does something like that..." But somehow you know he will, and you'll never know. I love funny ass stories about being crazy.

Bee said...

Happy Birthday!

Men are never too depressed about getting older but we wimins feel like we're being branded.

And the ouchie only gets worse. ;o)

Vodka Mom said...

holy shit.

AND, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!! I can't believe you have lived this long. for real.

The Stiletto Mom said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm shouting because you may be at that point where it becomes hard to you know, HEAR THINGS.
Welcome to the 40 something club Heinous!
I can now check off my list of things to find in life "a friend who has been branded". Thank goodness, that was a tough one.

Anonymous said...

Dude, that's a crazy story. I'm so glad you survived to reach this important milestone.


Heinous said...

matty: Look me up if you happen to ever end up in central PA.

g.d: I'll join you...I just got a fresh, new bottle of Crown.

heather: Thanks!

kat: It's nice to leave little mysteries for people.

Ron: I may have to ban my son from my blog so he doesn't get any ideas.

bee: Nah, you're just getting better.

Deb: The fates have been overly generous.

Mary Anne: I've seen your pic and I don't think you're in the club yet. Glad I could help with the list ;)

Heinous said...

Jen M: Many thanks!

for a different kind of girl said...

Without question, you're probably having a great day. Happy birthday!

Captain Dumbass said...

Branding. Ouch. I'll stick to my gigantic tattoo.

Happy B'day, Heinous. You're only beating me by a few years.

JaxPop said...

You Young Whipper Snapper!! - My anniversary is tomorrow - You were 7 when I got married. Glad to see you survived your 'higher education' - hope the brand is at least cool

My youngest son (Chris - 28) grew up bein' good buddies with Bam Margera from 'JackAss' fame (they're still friends). Chris decided to get serious & make something of himself - Bam made some waaaayyy serious money instead... being a JackAss. Someday I'll post some of the war stories - I'm amazed that I've lasted this long.

Happy Birthday

Maggie, Dammit said...


Sounds like you're doing this life thing pretty well so far. ;)

jenboglass said...

Happy Birthday! Who knew you were such a rad dude? I did, that's who. I never did anything that fun in college. I was arrested, but it wasn't fun. Happy birthday again!

Diane said...

Happy Birthday, Sweetness! I'm still in London (and a little drunk myself, truth be told) but I had to pop in tonight! Thinking of you!!!

And PS... welcome to the 40's... life is truly grand here!! XO

Heinous said...

fadkog: It was a good one. Many thanks.

cap'n: I'm jealous of your tat. Maybe I should look into one...

Jaxpop: It's a Maltese cross. I like it. War stories are fun, post them all.

Maggie: I try my hardest. Thanks!

Jen: It looks like you're having plenty of fun now though.

Diane: It's my long, lost Diane. I've missed you over the past week or so. Thanks, I hope you're having a great time over there.

Kelley said...

Firstly, Happy Birthday old man.

And secondly, no pics? Come on!

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Where? Is the *gulp* brand? On what part of your *gulp* body?


Manager Mom said...

Wow. Just, wow. Did you somehow father my son when I wasn't looking? Because I feel like that is a scene from his future.

"Not dead." I'm totally going to have to teach him that in place of his current post-wipeout "I'm OK."

Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk said...

Branded? Yikes. Happy birthday fortysomething . . .