26 October 2008

It isn't my fault

Here I was thinking that my church observations were over...all played out. I had even made a sort of pact with myself that I was going to pay attention and everything.

We got to church Sunday and normally there is a girl there who sings all the churchly hymns and stuff up front. She has a fantastic voice. Our lector for the day, we'll call him Mr. Flatty, did not. He had what can only be termed as a 'god-forsaken' voice maybe even a 'touched-by-satan-himself' kind of voice. He sang anyway, the brave soul. I was awesome though. I hardly chucked through his opening string of clinkers. My wife did not admire my restraint as much though so I received the first official 'look' of the morning.

Not too bad for the first three minutes of church I thought. Then the priest walked up the aisle for mass followed by three Knights of Columbus (some Catholic club thing) in full regalia. Don't get me wrong, the feathery hats and capes are nice looking, I just don't think I could take myself seriously in this:

1492

So they make the rounds and come to seat themselves two rows in front of me. Precisely one row in front of me is an adorable, little girls who blurts, "Are they pirates mommy?"

*snork*

That's the sound I make when I poorly contain a belly laugh. Since I was already mildly unhinged by off-key guy up front, this bout of laughter took supreme effort to subdue. Again, I was quite proud of myself. Low and behold though; I had earned a second 'look.' C'mon, that was funny, Wife. I'm quite sure Jesus would have peed himself on that one.

Flatty set off on another voyage into what was, for him, the unfamiliar territory of music. I thought I would have been able to handle it until he made the daring move of trying to add an entire third note into his list of musical achievements. Even my wife was in shock at that one so I missed getting another 'look.'

It turned out that the reason that the KoC were there was that there was a new priest that was just ordained. He joined in with Flatty in 'song' and although I never caught his name, I can only assume it was Father Tony Deaf. The duet set me over the edge but I was saved by The Boy, who needed a potty break.

When we got back the Knights standing again with their Deluxe Long John Silver hats on. I gave The Wife the 'Hey,' look that you do in church and she replied with the, 'What do you want?' eyebrow. I leaned over and said, "Yarrrr." She laughed in spite of herself and I got a pinch. Sheesh, I try to add a little levity and what reward do I get?

The noob priest got to do the sermon and it turned out he had a thick accent. Awesome. Grand. I love a good, unintelligible sermon. After he got rolling, I caught on and picked up some phrases here and there. At one point he said, "They, like you were responsible for Jesus's death."

I thought, "Dude, I was nowhere near the scene of the crime." I don't believe in the whole 'sins of the father' line of reasoning so you're not pinning that one on me...and leave my boy out of it too.

There was another duet by the Flatty and Fr. Deaf. I was laughing by the end of it since if finished on some high notes that they abused soundly. It was then that I heard a child call out loudly, "Is it time for the cookies yet?" The child was located to my right and looked suspiciously like my son.

*snork*

We got our cookies -- Jeebus flavored goodness -- and got out of there.

Am I the only one that this stuff happens to in church? Nearly every time I go there's something that I can't resist talking about. Maybe it's just Catholics. I give up, no more pacts. I'm just going to assume that God clearly wants me to blog in church.

Also: If you haven't seen it and are interested in my Halloween story gifty thing: Click the linky.


41 comments:

istgrrl said...

Oh thank God you've come to your senses and blogged about church again! I live for this. Thank you, thank you.

Cape Cod Gal said...

I would have had to leave after the pirates remark. I cannot contain laughter and will continue to "snork" loudly until I am allowed some type of release.

Tony said...

I would have been laughing - I can't help it - I'm bad...I'm a sinner and I'm going to Hell...I really would have lost it at "Yarrr" they would have had to take me out then

Sprite's Keeper said...

Dude, at least you get a snack in the middle of services! We have to wait until the end to eat bread. That's right, bread. You get cookies!

Heinous said...

Robin: Congrats on your firstiness! I guess if you walk into church in a certain frame of mind it's all blog material. No use fighting it.

CCG: It's church, we're supposed to be happy, right?

Tony: I'll save you a seat if I get down there first.

Jen (Sk): You would be surprised at how flavorless Jesus is at our church.

Cameron said...

Please tell me how you got up, got dressed (presumably), had breakfast (presumably) and drove to church (presumably) before you got your first 'look.' I usually can't get out of the bedroom before I've had my first 'look.' This must be some sort of man record.

Kat said...

If there were pirates at my church my kids would love it. They live for pirates. I think I would have been getting looks right along with you, from my husband.

JaxPop said...

Funny Funny Post!!!

We had a lady in our church that I swear gargled with broken glass beforehand. AWFUL. During one of her lesser performances, my youngest, as frustrated as me, let out a not so quiet 'OMG' which earned him a painful flick to the ear from me. That turned into an even louder Owwwwwww!!! from my kid. My face was beet red - like I tried to survive a 4 hour session under a heat lamp. I got 'the look' for makin' it worse and an after church a strong chiding about 'my example' - to which I replied, in front of the boys no less, "I can't help it if the old broad can't sing" - to which youngest son chirped "Then why'd you do that to my ear!"

Sorry to be long-winded.

Diane said...

Oh, you're SO not alone. I got put out of church once (OK, it was by my mother, but it wasn't all that long ago) when a little kid one pew (as in P.U.!) over farted. OMG... I was on the floor. I would have found it funny anyway, but in church?! I couldn't contain myself. And just when I'd get myself under control, I'd think of it again and I'd lose it.

So I never gave the 'look', 'cause I was always the one getting it. Now I just don't go to church. Solved a lot of my problems.

Casey said...

Blog in church? That sounds like a perfectly reasonable request.

Wayne John said...

Why didn't anything exciting like that happen when I went to church.

Ok, I'm just going to sit here and get my church from you from now on.

*snork*

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

Being that I was am Catholic I can totally relate. My gosh I have to find something to laugh about or else I would just pass out before they break the bread. I'll tell ya those accents even as strong as my southern accent. I'm still dumb founded as to WTH they are saying. Father please I didn't sin gainst the God sirs (HUH??? What??) And I love the fact that they have to dress in those getups. The Bishop and all that lavish attire , I almost think I' am at Mardi Gras. Ok I ranted about Church on your blog... Sorry just had that same common element with you.... This Post WAS Too funny ...

Heinous said...

Cameron: I was all sorts of helpful getting the boy ready. I like to earn the 'look' in public anyway.

Kat: You could dress up as one. Just tell hubby it's to get the kids inspired for their religification.

Jaxpop: No need to be sorry for verbosity. I love stories. You should have gotten some business cards from voice coaches and strewn them around the church.

Diane: I pretty much just go for the Catholic School discount. Kids rock in church.

Casey: I know, there's lots of down time with all the singing and stuff. They can't expect us to just sit there.

Wayne: I'm good with that. If you need a good word with the pope, let me know. I think he lurks here...

Carrie: I'm just lucky I don't have a phone that I could blog from. I would love to do a running commentary.

HeatherPride said...

I'm not Catholic, but I've had cases of the church giggles before. It's bad. It's not as bad as the funeral giggles, but it's a close second.

Shut up, I couldn't help the funeral giggles. The preacher was a good old boy with a serious case of country grammer. As in, "We will always TRAY-SURE our memories of _____. She was a PLAY-SURE to know...." etc. etc.

goodfather said...

Ha ha ha!

'We got our cookies -- Jeebus flavored goodness -- and got out of there.'

I am SO GLAD I'm not the only person in the world to think Church food is Jeebus flavored.

I just snorked coffee on my monitor.

Khadra said...

If you invite pirates to your church, you HAVE to expect there will be some giggling.

AngieSS said...

Ah, the memories I have of getting a bad case of the giggles in church. And once they start, they are almost impossible to stop. Everything becomes funny! I think it's Gods way of punishing us for that first snicker. He won't let you stop until you fully embarrass yourself or have to leave the building completely -- whichever comes first. That's why I always sat in the back row. Quick escape! :^)

Lola said...

I behave like a child when I am in a church. Can't help myself. I get all claustrophobic, start to fidget, whisper, giggle and get the "Look" from strangers.

I think it's the whole seriousness of the Catholic church. It's just too much for me. Always has been!

for a different kind of girl said...

I'd have had to leave the sanctuary at the arrival of the pirates, at least for my own safety!

There's a dude who goes to our church who looks like Jesus. Well, at least the Jesus we see in depicted. Anyway, he looks like Jesus after a weekend bender at Cabo, but he makes church that much more entertaining!

Heinous said...

Heather: The funeral guy fits in with my holy roller stereotype. I'd have lost it too.

goodfather: Sorry about the monitor. Jeebus flavored stuff does that sometimes.

Khadra: I'm thinking pirate should be a part of every mass for my amusement.

AngieSS: The back row rules in church. You have to get there early for the best seat.

Lola: I think so too. We need more humor...I'm calling the pope.

fadkog: You should ask if he's related.

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Those godawful, godforsaken times we had to go to church with my church-going parents, they are always kind enough to let us sit right behind a cute kid or two; they know we'll stay entertained.

And YES I'm talking about when we were in our 30s and 40s.

Ellie

Vodka Mom said...

oh thank God I didn't read this while I was in school today. I would have been STRUCK down for laughing at the Catholics. Oh wait, I do that all the time. and I'm still here, dammit.

Kirsten said...

Those Catholics are hilarious!!
They just can't get over the whole Jesus thing! : )
PS-take a look at my blog.
...NOW!...

Mrs.D said...

Another reason I am glad to be Protestant. lol... we don't have pirates. ;-)

Mrs.D said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jamie said...

too funny -
I think I might start going to church again. I could use a little laugh.

Paige said...

My church was never that funny. Baptists take themselves too seriously, which is part of why I quit being one.

My friend's 3 year old son asked a thug of a man at a parade if he was a a pirate, because he had a doo-rag on. When they guy said no, Jack asked him why he was wearing pirate gear then?

It was a beautiful thing

steenky bee said...

Be though not judgemental lest ye be judged. And let me tell you from experience, no one judges more harshly than a man dressed as a pirate. I think the feathers make them all uppity or something.

Heinous said...

Ellie: At least they were looking out for you ;)

Deb: You're probably safer in school. He won't want to risk collateral damage.

Kirsten: I love when you're all assertive like that.

Mrs.D: I can send some over if you want. Lemme clear out some of those posts for you...

Jamie: It's what you make out of it. I guess you could go the whole 'religion' route but that's a dead end for any chuckles.

Paige: Don't you wish we could pull more of that as adults?

Jen: Them and strippers with their feather boas. Hmmm...the hell with pirates vs. ninjas. We need pirates vs. strippers.

Ron said...

"We got our cookies -- Jeebus flavored goodness -- and got out of there." Lol! I was dying.

I'm not Catholic, although I went to a Catholic College, my ex is Catholic and I was one confirmation short of a conversion. All that to say I have a grasp on it. At school every mass was conducted by a traveling priest (I always think Cantabery Tales here). It wouldn't have been so bad except everyone of them was from Africa or South America - all of them practically. Had NO clue what they were saying! But I could never say anything to my X, because she has a hard on for the Church (notice I didn't say God) and when I did she'd jump my shit.

Heinous said...

Ron: We get a lot of traveling priests. South Africa and all places Slavic seem to be the most popular choices right now. At least my wife doesn't completely mind me goofing a little in church.

The Hussy Housewife said...

They let you in church? I never sing n church...it freaks me out. Everytime I go to church I get tired and start yawning? It is like NyQuil...seeing how my FIL is the pastor..I have to show up every once in a while..and try no to fall asleep.

Tracey said...

Arrrggghhh...

I remember when my dad was a KofC...

Heinous said...

tracey: You have pirate blood in you? Fantastic!

Captain Dumbass said...

If you haven't been hit by lightning yet I think you're ok.

Heinous said...

Hussy: They do. They have low standards and I come bearing money.

Heinous said...

cap'n: I'm hoping. I think I'm pushing my luck though.

and dammit people stop commenting when I'm commenting on comments.

amusing moments said...

LOL!! that is so funny... When I get the giggles, I just can't stop! I end up having to leave wherever I am to compose myself.

Bee said...

Before I type my comment, let me make sure my mom isn't standing behind me... okay coast is CLEAR!

Can I go to church with you? You are freakin' hilarious!!
I haven't been since my brother's wedding last year and you can't call that a real sermon since it talks about love, honor and obey which is just Greek to me.

If anybody else finds out I want to go to church with you, I'll know who ratted me out.

Okay, here comes my mom shhhhh!

So, pirates huh?

Heinous said...

AM: I don't thin I'm allowed to leave. I get enough 'looks' as it is. I'd miss good blog material anyway.

Bee: Any time you want to come, you're more than welcome. Your secret is safe with me...

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Oh my God, the pirates comment is making me have tears of laughter. That's when you really love kids, they say what we're all thinking.

Your church posts are so great. Keep the faith, brother.