Here I was thinking that my church observations were over...all played out. I had even made a sort of pact with myself that I was going to pay attention and everything.
We got to church Sunday and normally there is a girl there who sings all the churchly hymns and stuff up front. She has a fantastic voice. Our lector for the day, we'll call him Mr. Flatty, did not. He had what can only be termed as a 'god-forsaken' voice maybe even a 'touched-by-satan-himself' kind of voice. He sang anyway, the brave soul. I was awesome though. I hardly chucked through his opening string of clinkers. My wife did not admire my restraint as much though so I received the first official 'look' of the morning.
Not too bad for the first three minutes of church I thought. Then the priest walked up the aisle for mass followed by three Knights of Columbus (some Catholic club thing) in full regalia. Don't get me wrong, the feathery hats and capes are nice looking, I just don't think I could take myself seriously in this:
So they make the rounds and come to seat themselves two rows in front of me. Precisely one row in front of me is an adorable, little girls who blurts, "Are they pirates mommy?"
That's the sound I make when I poorly contain a belly laugh. Since I was already mildly unhinged by off-key guy up front, this bout of laughter took supreme effort to subdue. Again, I was quite proud of myself. Low and behold though; I had earned a second 'look.' C'mon, that was funny, Wife. I'm quite sure Jesus would have peed himself on that one.
Flatty set off on another voyage into what was, for him, the unfamiliar territory of music. I thought I would have been able to handle it until he made the daring move of trying to add an entire third note into his list of musical achievements. Even my wife was in shock at that one so I missed getting another 'look.'
It turned out that the reason that the KoC were there was that there was a new priest that was just ordained. He joined in with Flatty in 'song' and although I never caught his name, I can only assume it was Father Tony Deaf. The duet set me over the edge but I was saved by The Boy, who needed a potty break.
When we got back the Knights standing again with their Deluxe Long John Silver hats on. I gave The Wife the 'Hey,' look that you do in church and she replied with the, 'What do you want?' eyebrow. I leaned over and said, "Yarrrr." She laughed in spite of herself and I got a pinch. Sheesh, I try to add a little levity and what reward do I get?
The noob priest got to do the sermon and it turned out he had a thick accent. Awesome. Grand. I love a good, unintelligible sermon. After he got rolling, I caught on and picked up some phrases here and there. At one point he said, "They, like you were responsible for Jesus's death."
I thought, "Dude, I was nowhere near the scene of the crime." I don't believe in the whole 'sins of the father' line of reasoning so you're not pinning that one on me...and leave my boy out of it too.
There was another duet by the Flatty and Fr. Deaf. I was laughing by the end of it since if finished on some high notes that they abused soundly. It was then that I heard a child call out loudly, "Is it time for the cookies yet?" The child was located to my right and looked suspiciously like my son.
We got our cookies -- Jeebus flavored goodness -- and got out of there.
Am I the only one that this stuff happens to in church? Nearly every time I go there's something that I can't resist talking about. Maybe it's just Catholics. I give up, no more pacts. I'm just going to assume that God clearly wants me to blog in church.
Also: If you haven't seen it and are interested in my Halloween story gifty thing: Click the linky.