16 September 2008

They really shouldn't let me in the doors

I went to church the other day by myself. It's good to get some face time in so the priest doesn't forget us. The problem is that when I'm by myself, my thoughts wander...

Priest:  "blah, blah, blah...table of the uterus which is the symbol of death and rebirth."

Me:  Huh? I would have thought the uterus would be more of a life and rebirth symbol...and why is the priest talking about uteri anyway? That's awfully liberal for church. Oh...Eucharist, not uterus. That makes more sense then. I should pay attention.

Priest: "...welcome you to the exaltation of the cross.,,"

Me: Sonofabitch. Is this a special mass? I'll be pissed if this thing creeps over an hour. Oh, well. I could think about stuff for my blog to pass the time. I could do another church piece...

Priest: "<insert something churchy here>"

Me: Okay lady, the baby was really cute when he was all smiles and giggles but now he's crying. They should put something in the church...perhaps a baby room...for crying children. Oh wait. What's that? In the back of the church? Behind the glass? Oh, it's a fucking baby room. Use it dammit.

Guy in cool poncho thing at the front of the church: "Blah, blah, blah."

Me: Is that dude behind me clipping his freaking nails? What the hell is wrong with the guy? ...and ewwww by the way. Where are those nail clippings going? That's just wrong. Maybe if I turn and give him the Hairy Eyeball he'll knock it off. Nah, I'll have to shake hands with him during the whole "offer you a sign of peace" bit. Fine. I'll just put up with it. You're going in the blog though pal and I hope your mention this shit in confession. There's gotta be at least one "Hail Mary" assigned for clipping your nails in church. Someone's gotta clean that crap up.

Yeah, yeah, here's the money.

Hey, she looks really cute in pink. Heh, Pretty in Pink. Dammit, now I have The Psychedelic Furs stuck in my head. That should mix well with a hymn later on.

The Wife isn't here, I wonder if I can skip the Eucharist? Nah, it'll make sure the priest knows I'm here. Besides, I am feeling a bit peckish.

Got my Eucharist...munch, munch, munch...and that's a big N-O to the shared cup o'wine sister. God's blood won't wash away herpes, so I'll stay on the safe side. Hmmm...still peckish. You would think that Jesus would be more filling than that.

Walking back to pew...wow, she's cute.

Sitting down. Damn, I have Jesus stuck in my teeth. I don't want to pick my teeth in church though. Although I'm sure that nail-clipper boy behind me wouldn't have any qualms.

I hope I remember all this stuff for the blog.

Priest: "and so mass is ended."

About time. That was a hair over an hour. I'd better pick up a bulletin so The Wife knows I was here.

Later, an imagined scene in the confessional (I say, 'imagined' because I don't do the whole confessional thing. That's for people that really sin hard and actually feel bad about it):

Me: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."

Priest: "Go on." (I'm sure the priest would say something more pithy here.That would require the experience of an actual confession though...which I lack.)

Me: "I was working on a blog entry in church."

Priest: "Was it reverent?"

Me: "I'm going with 'no' on that."

Priest: "How irreverent was it?"

Me: "Mildly.?" (Sure, it would have gotten me burned at the stake back in the good old days, but this is modern times now, baby.)

Priest: "Ten Hail Mary's"

Me: "Ten? The dude behind me was clipping his nails! During your sermon I believe."

Priest: "No one likes a snitch"

Me: "Hey now, I didn't mention any names. I'm just saying. I mean really. Ick, right?

Priest: "I'll give you an 'ick' on that, but let's focus on you for now. Anything else?"

Me: "Does not having the Apostle's Creed memorized count?"

Priest: "How long have you been going to church?"

Me: "On and off for...um...most of my life."

Priest: "and you don't have it memorized yet!?"

Me: "I wasn't really paying attention most of the time."

Priest: Sighs. "Just get it memorized and send the next person in."



Diane said...

You are SO going to Hell. If you get there before I do, save me a seat, will you? Thanks.

Oh, and by the way, thanks for the comment today... it made me smile... a lot (this post, however, made me laugh out loud, so thanks for that, too!).

Stephanie said...

Sending the link to this post to my mother in law. Mainly because it will piss her off. And when she's pissed off she doesn't talk to me. So I try to keep her in a perpetual state of pissed.


The Stiletto Mom said...

Well, you are a better Catholic than I am....but that's not saying much.

I'm with you on the wine, though my son is just Jonesing to try it...little lush.

Vodka Mom said...

you are TOO fucking funny. man. What was GREAT! I need a cigarette...

Kelley said...

"Guy in cool poncho thing at the front of the church"

bwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaa!!

Maggie, Dammit said...

OK, see, this is what I've always wondered. Does going to church count if your mind wanders in this way?

(Say yes.)

Heinous said...

Diane: I'll even keep the seat warm for you.

Stephanie: Glad I could be of service!

Mary Anne: Keep him off it for a few more years. Just keep him away from the cup o'germs.

Deb: Many thanks. I'd offer you one, but I quit ten years ago.

Kelley: I have to stop telling my son that it must be going to rain when the priest is standing outside in it.

Maggie: If they can squeeze JC into a cracker, they can definitely shove a little holy into you even if your mind wanders. That's their job after all. It should be a motto: "Come on in and get a little holy in you."

Ellie said...

Ha! Hilarious.

I just watched "Moonstruck" the other night (free, on hulu.com) -- love that confession scene when Cher as Loretta confesses: "I took the lord's name in vain 3 times, I slept with the brother of my fiance once, and I bounced a check, but that really wan't my fault."

Always Home and Uncool said...

Eh ... God is so overrated. Does he have a blog? Thought not.

Variations On A Theme said...

Just found you through Halushki. You're hilarious! Great writing. I'll be back.

Tracey said...

Sounds like you are getting a lot out of that whole "Church" experience...