09 September 2008

The Curse of the Crapmobile

We have these neighbors. They come from a lower income background, but they're nice people. When they first moved into the neighborhood, they brought with them the associated crapmobile that seems to come along with the inability to pay for repairs. It spewed some smoke here and there, was generally unreliable as actual transportation, and often evoked the phrase, "Goddammit, they parked that piece of crap in front of the house again."

Overall though, I understood that they simply couldn't afford to paint it, fix it, reupholster it, put new tires on it, destinkify it, or put it out of its misery. Years passed and the car haunted the neighborhood.

Then one day, they got another. It was a different, a bit better kept, and ran marginally better. Unfortunately it seemed to have sucked any last vestiges of life out of the first car...which sat in front of my damn house few a week until they muscled it into their driveway. Where it sat and sat and sat. They would try to fix the original crapmobile occasionally but mostly it sat. Crapmobile II took over the duties until miraculously, it became as unreliable as its predecessor.

Eventually their son got a car of his own. A nice used model with no rust and actual paint that covered the entire car. The crapmobiles must have cornered the new car one night though and kicked its smarmy ass because within a week the engine had died. Hmmm...how odd and how inconvenient. Since new car was in the driveway with crapmobile II parked behind it, it seemed the best place to park the original was in front of my house. Evidently it was far more aesthetically pleasing to them to keep their curb appeal and put the shaft to mine. I took to taking up both possible spots in front of my house though so nuts to them.

Months pass and they get the new car running just so they don't miss an appointment with a telephone pole which puts new car down for the count.

Enter the relatives from Ohio. That's right, they're Pennsylvanians now baby. They even brought their own crapmobile (Ohio version) that had the convenience of being able to remove items from the trunk without even opening it! Woo hoo...they should get a patent on that bit of rust-inspired technology.

Enter the blazer. A nice, used vehicle. They put Crapmobile I up for sale. That was a hoot in itself. It advertised itself, "For sale. One deathtrap. Needs paint, tires, body work, and destinkifying. 500 dollars." The Bluesmobile (after the chase) would have sold quicker.

Crapmobile I got all depressed with the new competition and drove itself into the rear end of a truck. That was fun to watch pull into the neighborhood. They never bothered taking the 'for sale' sign out of the window. A few weeks later it was gone though. Satan must have called it home while I was sleeping.

Presently we're down to two crapmobiles (II and Ohio) and the blazer. I just don't understand how this can happen to people. I've driven cars for years before anything goofy has happened to them. I suspect a curse is at work. I don't know where it comes from but I suspect the curse is repelled by "steady income." Let this be a warning to you readers out there.

Oh, did I mention I can hear the Blazer coming from two blocks away now? The curse is back.


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Don said...

God, I remember the same ordeal about 30 years ago in my first (just married) neighborhood. The city finally had to tow them because of spontaneous combustion issues! Kaboom!

Stephanie said...

You know, I have been known to write letters to my neighbors from a fictitious neighborhood association to get them to do things I want, like mow their lawn, shovel their driveway, not sunbathe naked. I sign them Jane Cognito. Get it? So, let me know if you need my services.

Vodka Mom said...

It's like a bad dream - keeps on coming back!

Ron said...

sounds like the used car lot from Transformers.

Ellie said...

They call that curse "fukú". Well at least Junot Díaz does, in "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao".

But it sounds like you're lucky -- no spontaneous combustion yet.

Heinous said...

don: if it comes to that, I'm pushing it into their house.

Stephanie: these people are not daunted by simple associations. Some of them have done time, but that's another blog...

ron: if it was cool like that, at least I'd get some entertainment.

Ellie: Great, now I have another book to read.

HappyHourSue said...

OMG -hilarious, and I feel your pain. Although you are such a nicer person than me: 'lower income background".....I'm always bitching "no matter how nice a neighborhood we move to, we can never escape that ONE white trash neighbor."

Mike said...

Wow. All those crapmobiles next door must do wonders for your home's re-sale value!

Diane said...

I think you should explain 'fuku' to your neighbors... though you could pronounce it SLIGHTLY differently... ;)

Heinous said...

sue: That's really funny especially since my original title was "the attack of the white-trash mobile."

Mike: I'd find a way to relocate those wrecks if I wanted to sell. I'd let them know where they were eventually too.

Diane: That was my first thought when I saw the term ;)

The Stiletto Mom said...

You are hilarioius. We always have a crazy neighbor to our left...always...no idea why it's the left but it is. We can go looking at houses and I'll look to the left and say, "Well, we won't be friends with them anyway..." Here's an encounter with the most recent crazy person. Love your blog, will bookmark and be back often! http://www.thestilettomom.com/2008/08/24/flying-circus-rats/