26 September 2008

Hello, Tech Support

My job at the university I work at is mainly to run the servers, but I also help out with incoming phone calls. 90 percent of them are actual problems and I deal with them well, but then there are those calls. The calls that are forwarded straight from either hell or Moronica, the land of dipshits. These are actual calls that have happened all mashed together. The words in orange are what I thought but restrained myself from saying through sheer force of will and professionalism. Names have been changed to protect the ignorant.
Me: Hello, tech support.
Dickweed: (A leftover term from high school, even though I have never seen the actual flora in any clime. I don't think I want to either.) I need more space on my home drive. It says I'm over my quota.
Me: Let me check for you. Um, you have the entire Abba discography stored on your home drive. When you remove that, you'll drop below your quota.
Dickweed: How did that get there?
Me: Not by magic. Some unsupported applications use your home drive by default.
Dickweed: What would that be?
Me: It's in your iTunes folder, so I'm going to go with that.
A slight period where I explain where the folder is, how to get to it, and how to move the files.
Dickweed: There, the files are moved. Thanks!
A short period passes and the phone rings again.
Me: Hello, tech support.
Dickweed: Those files disappeared from my iPod.
Me: Like I care. I'm just glad they're off the server. Hmmm.
Dickweed: How do I get them back on?
Me: I don't know, I don't use iTunes and it's an unsupported app.
Dickweed: But I bought those.
Me: Not my freaking problem. You still have the files where we moved them to.
Dickweed: But how do I get them back on the iPod?
Me: Did I just tell you that I don't know how? Furthermore, I don't care. Dammit, I'll have to play the 'rephrase the same damn answer over and over again until you go away game.' I'm not sure. Perhaps if you looked in the iPod manual...Because I am not going to figure it out FOR you.
I usually start reading blogs at this point and practice all the possible variations of 'I don't know' until the endgame:
Dickweed: Maybe if I tried copying the files back to the original folder?
Me: That would put you over your quota again. So don't even try it.
Dickweed: So how can I get them back on there again?
Me: I think I need to come over there and kick you in the ass hard enough for you to savor the taste of poop. <practiced silence until>
Dickweed: Well. I guess I'll ask some friends and maybe check the manual.
Me: God forbid you read the manual and learn how to use your crap. Okay then, have a nice day.

I'm usually very willing to help and genuinely enjoy talking to most of my end users, but some people get me going. They're habitual idiots and I think most tech support/service oriented people get them. I should have more enjoyable tech support stories soon. Hell, I could probably do tech support Fridays.


HappyHourSue said...

Wouldn't it be great if there was actual 'dickweed"? Then you could just leave little bouquets on someone's doorstep and they'd be all confused: sweet gesture or Brazen insult?!!!!

Anyhoo: that's always me calling tech support: "Wait, what? I don't think my computer has 'preferences'"

JaxPop said...

Had a company lap top that gave me fits for over a year. I would drop it off to the IT guy (he was good & decent to work with) to "fix" at least once a month. When I decided to move to Florida I gave the company 4 weeks notice. 3 days before my last day - The IT guy pops into my office & proudly presents me with a new $2000 lap top. No orange words added to this blog comment.

Funny Post. I couldn't keep track of the stuff you have to take care of - I'm too impatient.

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of my time in Dialup support...dude calls in and says he needs to get connected to the net. I go through every single setting with him over the phone, we're at the final settings, and he asks "Should I be in front of my computer right now?" I said, "Only if you actually want me to help you get connected to the net." He says, "oh, I'll call back later, I'm not at my desk right now..."

Diane said...

Sometimes I'm so glad that 1) I work from home, and 2) I deal with everyone via email (which I can ignore until I'm ready).

As a self-professed technological moron, I feel for you... I'd HATE to have to deal with idiots like me all day.

- Celes - said...

As someone who does tech support- I hear ya loud and clear. I wish we could all be BOFH.

Anonymous said...

That is hilarious!

My husb did tech support for several years for an organization that was an offshoot of the state of CA. Oh, the tech support stories he would tell. I loved all of them.

You should make this a regular feature.

Vodka Mom said...

I am laughing, laughing, laughing. You could do a whole blog on THOSE PEOPLE. oh God, am I one?

Ron said...

but if there were no morons, then us smart people would only look average. Here's to natural selection. Funny post, my man.

The Offended Blogger said...

Hehehe I would not want to trade you jobs for a million dollars.

OK, technically I don't have a job, but still. If I did, I sooo wouldn't want yours. :D

jenboglass said...

Award winner = YOU. Stop by to see.