29 September 2008

An award + How to Drive Across a College Campus

I received this award from the lovely and funny Vodka Mom over at I Need a Martini Mom.


Deb does a great blog and is ridiculously funny. She's in my 'Must Stalk' folder (and yes, I do have a folder with that label in my feeds.) Stop by and read her if you get a chance. Previously, she sorta needed the martinis since she's a teacher. I think she needs a steady supply now since I started following her blog.

I'm going to pass this award on to three four more than worthy blogs.

First up is J-money over at The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy. Her regular posts are hilarious and I love reading her blog. Her LOLHouse (find the rest yourself...you'll want to) posts venture into freaking comic genius-land. Go there, enjoy.

Next up is the Jennster at Jennster's Blog (I don't know how she came up with the blog title, but it's pure genius.) She's thoughtful and funny and makes the best 'come hither' face. We're still waiting to see if her double dog dare works on Southwest airlines.

The next to last is Kelley at Magneto Bold Too. This will undoubtedly inflate her opinion of herself, but she deserves it. Plus, she has auto-humble built into this post. She's also an Aussie but don't hold that against her. Go, read.

Addendum: I'm giving a forth award because I scraped a little extra time together and Marinka at Motherhood in NYC is one of my favorite reads. I love her sense of humor but at the same time fear for her husband's sanity. Stop by her site and make some small talk in her comments...she loves that.

I'd like to give it to you all, but there's only so much time in a day people. Plus some of you already have it or Deb just gave it to you, thereby stealing my choice. She's a snot like that. (and some of you on my list are dudes and the award has a big heart on it. Yeah, I just can't bring myself to do it. I should make some award with power tools on it or something for this purpose.)

(I lifted this straight from Deb since I'm the occasional lazy-ass) Now, there are really no requirements, except perhaps this: In a blog entry, if you have time, share with us a blog that makes you laugh, makes you wonder, makes you sigh and makes you cry. If you choose to do nothing that’s okay.

Part Two which includes the aforementioned driving on campus bit.

This advice could apply anywhere with numerous pedestrians, but college students seem to think they have a divine right to dart...no, not dart, that would imply some sort of speed...to mosey in front of vehicles. They never seem to realize that these 'vehicles' significantly outweigh them and can cause things like bodily harm and even, potentially, the cessation of ALL bodily functions. Forever.

Every day I have to drive onto campus. This is an extra special experience because students are heading to classes at the same time. I, however, have a three-point plan that keeps them from slowing me down. I will now share the plan with you for the good of mankind:

1. Drive slightly over the speed limit: Not much over mind you; a ticket won't do you any go in making it to work on time. Just enough over so that the student thinks, "I don't know if he can stop in time."

2. Never, ever make eye contact: Those little assholes stare right into the car. If they see you're looking at them, BAM, straight into the crosswalk. It's a sign of weakness to them. If they don't see you looking at them, they won't assume that you will stop before you hear a loud 'thump.' If they take the chance anyway, you'll probably catch them in your peripheral vision and be able to stop in time. If not, no biggie. There's a lot of other students out there.

3. Play loud music: Preferably heavy metal. Even if you don't like it, just get one CD for the purpose of rapid transit. You could probably even write it off as a business expense. A massive guitar riff and some dude belting out,

"I sit, in my desolate room, no lights, no music,
Just anger, I've killed everyone,
I'm away forever, but I'm feeling better,
How do I feel, What do I say,
F*ck you, it all goes away"

usually makes the students scatter like a bunch of slaughterhouse workers when immigration shows up. That and it also makes them feel as though you won't hear the loud 'thump' and won't even bother slowing down.

That's the end of my PSA. I hope it helps and many thanks to System of a Down for providing me with such awesome scattering music.


Vodka Mom said...

omg that is CLASSIC. Now, if you tire of running over those small potatoes over at LHU, come on over to PSU. I think they take classes on how to piss off the local drivers. no shit.

Diane said...

I live in a college town and they drive me nuts. I'm going to heed your advice... I'll let you know how it goes.

J-Money said...

Holy crap...thanks for the love, sir.

Marinka said...

Me? Really? Thank you! It's so shiny! And heavier than I thought it would be! Thanks!

Ron said...

I once drove around a WalMart parking lot while my mouth was full of whipped cream. I kept making circles and driving real slow with the windows down and growling as I did. Even the security guards were nervous... I'm thinking this could work for too.

Bee said...

Your driving suggestions will come in handy now that the mad holiday season is about to start. I don't want to take 2 hours driving around a parking lot just to buy tampons! I mean, uh skittles.

jenboglass said...

Jennster is a riot. I read her, but I've never commented. She's hilarious, dude.

I shall go check out those other places you linked too!

JaxPop said...

..... and the slower students are called speed bumps...

Heinous said...

Ron: That's a youtube video waiting to happen.

Bee: or hair dye...

jaxpop: You've got the perfect outlook for this. Time to go practice for fun.

Mike said...

Maybe painting giant skulls on the sides of your car might get the message across to these kids too!

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

congrats on these awards! I have to say very interesting advice on driving.. and very useful... something like Mike just said could work too..haha!!

jennster said...

awwwwwwwwwww- THANK YOU! and yeah, i'm so fucking creative when it comes to naming shit. about as creative as i am with halloween "costumes." LOL

xoxoxoo SMOOCH!

Stephanie said...

First of all, I think you make a big heart award seem very manly indeed.

Secondly, I am living in that driving nightmare. If only I could go back in time and cut out my own tongue before I had the chance to say to James, "Why yes, perhaps we should buy the house that is four blocks from the university". Sigh.

Anonymous said...

I enjoy when some douche bag pulls up in his tricked out Civic or something simliar, and is blaring with his windows down mind you some ungodly rap music where every other word is fuck, bitch, bitches, ass, and homey; when my kids (or anyone's kids for that matter) are standing right there.

Not only do I love your wholesome music you poon, but I enjoy you corrupting all the children as well.

Oh, I'm morton.

Heinous said...

Morton: I'm pretty sure those college students are worse than I am, but I'll continue to help them out. Thanks for the support!

Nap Warden said...

Congrats on the award...

I live in the Big City...don't drive so much. Now I know why;)

Mel said...

LMAO! "until you hear a thump." Dude. My husband works at a government building where the only way I can drop him off is to pass three crosswalks, and the "eye contact is a sign of weakness" thing is ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
However, Portland has a law that says pedestrians always get right of way, but especially if they are at a corner or a crosswalk, so I'm screwed any way you slice it. I have to stop. And I hates it, Precious.

Jamie said...

You are so right on - I work as a nurse at university setting medical center - The students always ruin my day and I swear to you I WILL run them over. Thanks for the laugh.