12 December 2008

By Request: The Corner Psychos - part 1

We live in a nice neighborhood and we have a dog and a child so we go for walks. On these walks, we have the pleasure of walking past Dick and Joan's house. It's sort of like the Dick and Jane books, but if they were demons:

"See Joan throw a nutty."

"See Dick have his spirit crushed and complain about the universe."

"See Joan use inappropriate words around children."

"See Jim get in her face and eventually just try to find ways to make them both have a stroke: gleefully."

Before the boy came along, when we were new to the 'hood, we used to take the dog for a walk and Joan used to say, "I used to have a dog like that." We thought, "She's not bad."

Then, one day, the dog set foot on her lawn...just walked on it mind you -- two or three steps tops -- no peeing was involved. All of a sudden we heard an outburst. Sort of like if nails on a blackboard could come to life at 120 decibels. "Get your Goddamned dog off my lawn!" At that time, being new to the block, we just moved along.

We slowly learned from other neighbors that this is what they do. It was like the neighborhood secret -- House of 1000 Corpses minus the corpses. They hover around their front door waiting to cuss out potential offenders. The guy that lives across the street from them has a Harley. They yell whenever he starts it up. Once, there was a fire and the hydrant is located in front of their house. The fire was contained but the resultant water had washed some mulch away. They called the city and demanded to be reimbursed for the mulch and also called the water company so they could be reimbursed for the water they had to use to clean up.

They hate when people walk on their sidewalk, so they park their car so it lays across the sidewalk. In the Summer, they lay their hose across it as if it creates and unseen barrier that people cannot cross.

They have called the police on children playing ball in the street.

My favorite time of year is Fall though. It turns out that Joan is quite fussy with her leaves. I can sit on by back porch and watch the multi-colored leaves waft on the cool Autumn air to the sweet sounds of Joan. "Goddamn it, Dick! You're raking those leaves wrong! What the hell is wrong with you, you asshole!" That's pretty much verbatim. I didn't take the time to write it down, but poetry like that just sticks with you.

Once, the mood took me and I yelled out, "Shut up Joan! Abuse your husband in private. We don't need to hear it." She volleyed back, but I had had my fun. Nothing more needed to be said.

We live in an area with a lot of woods and mountains and I always think, "If he came to his senses, they would never find her body. Nobody would even care to look," and shrug. If I was him, it would be worth a late night of negotiating a dimly lit mountain path, but that's just me.

Once though, we were walking The Boy and, being twoish at the time, he tread on their grass. Joan came out and started yelling...at my son. The Wife kept walking while pulling The Boy along, but I felt the need to speak my mind.

I led off with, "Shut your yap and listen, you harpy." She quieted but that was short lived. I laid into her about yelling at my son. I realized I was getting nowhere after about a minute after I had the quick epiphany that I may as well be telling a starving wolverine to stop biting me. Instead, I figured that I needed an endgame move.

I stepped onto their lawn.

She lost her freaking mind. It was awesome. All the crap I had to hear from her and her husband was suddenly worth it. She never shut up for a second, but I no longer cared. I walked off her lawn with a parting salute. I didn't feel vindicated, but I did realize one thing.

I had a new sport.

Baiting Dick and Joan.

More on that tomorrow though...

 

61 comments:

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm weeping tears of heart felt joy. Thank you, Heinous.

Captain Dumbass said...

And I'm SO first. Ha!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

hahahahaha, awesome, they sound deliciously psychotic and disturbing. I love stories like this...

justsomethoughts... said...

4th?! this is truly cause for a drink!

and kudos to you. you should have made a small deposit on their lawn as well.

Michele said...

Peeing on their lawn would have been appropriate. You, the boy, the dog or all 3.

IB said...

Good stuff! I love the taunting. Now, if you can just train your dog to poop on command you could have some real fun!

IB

http://idiotsstew.blogspot.com

Robin said...

Da-am this is funny.
I bet I know what would REALLY piss her off. If you not only stepped on her lawn but you did a little dance. And not just any dance but a nice and slow suggestive pelvic thrusting, shake your boot-ay with yo hands in the air kind of dance. Right in front of her ugly face.
Oh yeah, I'd pay good money to see that one.

Braja said...

Wanna have real fun, then start leaving him hand drawn maps of the woods with X marking the spot of where to hide the body. Was it American Beauty where the guy shat on his lawn? Springs to mind....

God that was funny. Your post, I mean. More please.

Krystal said...

You so totally rock!!! I can't wait to hear more stories of the craziness that is your neighboring-people-hating-duo

DeeMarie said...

So was the salute a formal salute or more of just a one finger wave?

Keely said...

Man, I want psycho neighbours. Mine are so boring.

I'd totally be sneaking a toe onto the lawn at every opportunity.

blissfully caffeinated said...

Awesome. That was the best. Truly. I can't wait for another installment of The Dick and Joan Chronicles.

Momma Trish said...

I'd totally send my dog out to poop on their lawn on a really regular basis. They so deserve it.

Awesome. Thanks for the laugh!

Miss Grace said...

I think you could write a really killer children's book about them.

Kirsten said...

lmao! I love Dick and Joan! Please tell me more!

Cat said...

YOU ARE MY HERO!

luckeelady said...

OMG this story is great... I have lived around so many people like this. The way you write, you leave me wanting to read more!

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures said...

Man I thought I had bad neighbors cause they keep thier Christmas lights up all year round! Can't wait to heat more!

Divine Chaos said...

hehehe .. my kinda guy!

around Easter, go buy one of those funky little egg trees and leave it right in the middle of their lawn in the dead of night. Maybe you can watch her head explode while she tries to figure out who the hell was walking in her grass :)

Heinous said...

Cap'n: Part two should be more fun.

Petra: They are. The guy that lives across from them works in mental health and thinks they're out there.

jst: I've thought about it.

Michele: It could be a party!

IB: I'm thinking a block party would be awesome too.

Robin: I could do that. My horrid dancing skills would make it that much better.

Braja: LOL..."body goes here" fantastic!

Krystal: Working on it...

DeeMarie: I wouldn't waste the effort on a whole handed wave...

Keely: I'm glad they're a few houses away at least.

Jen: I got you covered.

Trish: We get them, don't worry.

Miss Grace: All I need is an illustrator.

Kirsten: It's coming.

Cat: Do I need tights for that job?

luckee: Thanks! It's sad that there are so many around, but at least they're good blog fodder.

Sarah: Those fiends!

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

Can someone say Psycho Neighbors Wow.. get your dog to poop on command .... just saying

Cameron said...

Can't wait for the rest. I somehow hope it involves you 'whipping it out and spelling your name in their snow-covered grass.'

nonna said...

we used to have an "ugly naked guy" neighbor, who didn't own a set of blinds or curtains and liked to take in the night air...all over his ugly, naked body.

i suggest buying some of that fake poop (in bulk quantity) and deposited it randomly around her yard at night.

also like the easter tree, just start leaving odd things over there. like maybe life sized stand ups of people. or maybe one of those "shadow" dogs that look like they are peeing...

can't wait to read more

goodfather said...

Poetry at its finest. Beautiful. I can't wait to hear what you did next. I'm actually rubbing my hands together like Mr. Burns.

HeatherPride said...

Ahhhhh, I can't wait for the next part of the mini series of Dick and Moan, I mean Joan. What a naggy old hag. I hate her for you.

Comedy Goddess said...

Neighbors totally ruin the neighborhood.

mo.stoneskin said...

Hey buddy, if you want me to head round there and teach them some manners just shout. Maybe some others will join me. You can imagine the headlines.

"Bloggers gang up on the idiots living in Number 4 to teach them some manners"

Vodka Mom said...

oh sweet jesus I am LAUGHING MY ASS OFF HERE! "Goddamn it Dick..." I can just hear it. Where were you yesterday when I needed this laugh??

shit, that felt good. I might just go back and read it again.....and, can I come over and walk on her lawn? please????

Cape Cod Gal said...

Very awesome! I think their cousins live next to me!

Lorraine said...

It's so nice to hear about someone else's wacko neighbors. We finally put up a privacy fence this summer and it pissed the hell out of ours. There's about a 3" gap at the bottom of one end and the asshole made a point of blowing the leaves under it while we were right there.

Giggle Pixie said...

You know what they say, "Every village needs an idiot". Maybe you got a twofer.

Chris Bowers said...

You should give out their address and have all of your readers mail them Christmas cards that say, "I stepped on your lawn, Fa la la la la la, la la la la."

Ann's Rants said...

Glad to know you take requests, because I also wanted to know more about the psychos!

gingermagnolia said...

Hey man, I found you through Lola at Sassy Mama Says.

Neighbors suck. Crazy neighbors, though, they're entertaining, especially when they live near someone else!

Jessica said...

Oh please, please have your readers send them Christmas cards. And when they're done with your neighbors, I have some folks over here who could use some holiday mail.

Anndi said...

Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!!!!!

I like the way Cameron's mind works! HA!

I'm a girl and I'd write my name in their snow.

Heinous said...

Carrie: Hmmm... that would make things easier.

Cameron: I should spell Dick's name and get him an ass-whoopin'

nonna: Yeesh... sorry to hear about your naked guy trauma. Thank you for coming by.

goodfather: Soon, my friend.

Heather: She's just a source of fun now.

CG: We should at least be able to pick and choose.

mo: That would be too damn cool.

Debbie: You know you can...then we're off for the bars.

CCG: That sounds like a blog...

Lorraine: Send rabid weasels back...

GP: Lucky us.

Chris: That is an awesome idea. We're always looking for new stuff to do.

Ann: I do take requests and more is on the way.

gingermagnolia: The grass is always greener... Thank you for stopping by.

Jessica: We could have blogger campaigns for idiot neighbors.

Anndi: and I'd like to see that.

bernthis said...

I would stand on the edge of their lawn and then just bark like a dog. Incessantly and for no reason. I have no idea why I made that suggestion but I promise you, you will get a response.

BTW- in L.A. if your car is blocking a driveway you get a ticket b/c it prevents the handicapped from using city property. It's NOT HER sidewalk.

Jamie said...

I loved this post.

Take trip over in the middle of night and leave signs in her yard. Signs that say " Love your Neighbor" or "Heinous was here"

Paula aka. Zani said...

Yanno.. ya might want to invest in a bag of miniature candy bars.. and randomly toss one (sans rapper of course) into the middle of the yard. It is a nice little way to cause her head to spin, and you never have to get your hands dirty. =)

Janie said...

That. Is. Awesome.

Seriously.

I like how you parted with the salute.

My neighbors are amazing, thank God.

Paige said...

They sound like a joy to be around--but so do you of course- I love it that you aggravate them

I think you should get some cards that you can hand her that say "shut yer hole" and other gems--you could even leave them in her mailbox when she is not screwing with you--just to keep her on her toes

Tony said...

That's too funny. Man our neighbors aren't anything like that - I sort of wish they were after reading this just so I could go walk on their lawn. That was great.

Braja said...

I'm with Vodka: I think we all need to converge on her lawn in Xmas gear and do a little tapdance. I am waiting for instalment #2.

Lee said...

There's the making of an Olympic sport in this!

Khadra said...

awesome,awesome, awesome.

Im awful, I probably would have stepped on her lawn, and then when she freaked out more I probably would have run and skipped all over the lawn in figure 8's, but that is just me and Im kinda childish like that ;p

kirst said...

LMAO that's hillarious! I would've done a jig on their lawn..lol

Kirst

Heinous said...

bern: I think they could do that here, but she scares the local cops.

Jamie: The signs are a great idea. No one knows me by my nick on the block.

Paula: Another great idea. I think I'll do that one too. Thank you for coming by.

Janie: The salute works in so many fine occasions.

Paige: I'll make her head explode yet.

Tony: Careful what you wish for ;)

Braja: Coming up on Sunday or Monday! I'm up for the party.

Lee: Now to figure the judging.

Khadra: That would have been great.

Kirst: I'll have to learn the jig.

Dory said...

OMG that was delicious! I can't wait for another helping! Get crackin'!

Dory

Casey said...

I love it, those two sound like something out of a novel. I can't believe you get to experience them in real life! Good for you for stepping on their lawn...

for a different kind of girl said...

I think I live near their relatives. I'll be anxiously awaiting the next installment (aka - 'the tips') so I learn how to cope and/or deal!

a0m0y7 said...

You can fight on my team anyday! Fun blog, I think that you just found a new reader... Now calm down, I know that this is exciting news but it comes with random, missing the mark humor, and some rambling comments. I found you from Maggie's blog.

a0m0y7 said...

I forgot to tell, You can write on the lawn with fertilizer, this spring, and then a message appears a month later for all to see!

Kat said...

What a freak! I love that you yelled out to her, and... if she'd yelled at my kid, I would have lost it. Stepping on her lawn to drive her insane? Perfect.

Jannie said...

Ooo, I want to tread on her grass too, just the tip of a toe on one blade and see what happens!!

Sprite's Keeper said...

Dick and Joan are regular "salt of the earth" people. Hm, did you think about salting their earth?

Diane said...

And that, my friend, is one of the reasons I love you.

Bee said...

It should be mandatory to provide prospective buyers with a full profile of their neighbors to be.

If we're spending hundreds of thousands of dollars for a house, we should know what type a loonies we might be stuck with. :o)

Heinous said...

Dory: Now that I'm back from my trip, it's coming up.

Casey: It would be a horror novel.

fadkog: all good tip, I assure you.

a0m0y7: I am always thrilled to have a new reader. We think along the same line. I was wondering how to easily spell with fertilizer.

Kat: Now we just tell the boy that they're 'the bad people.'

Jannie: It's worth it.

Jen: Good idea.

Diane: awww...you're too sweet again.

Bee: Now you know to walk on all their lawns first.

Mrs.D said...

Ugh, I feel for you.

Here's what I'd do: save up a lot of dog poop and then throw it across their yard in the middle of the night. In fact, get all the neighbors in on it. I would so screw them.

Braja said...

You should listen to Mrs D: she does shit to people when they screw with her. Really. I bet she can be rented out for such things....