Hello, Tech Support

My job at the university I work at is mainly to run the servers, but I also help out with incoming phone calls. 90 percent of them are actual problems and I deal with them well, but then there are those calls. The calls that are forwarded straight from either hell or Moronica, the land of dipshits. These are actual calls that have happened all mashed together. The words in orange are what I thought but restrained myself from saying through sheer force of will and professionalism. Names have been changed to protect the ignorant.

Me: Hello, tech support.
Dickweed: (A leftover term from high school, even though I have never seen the actual flora in any clime. I don't think I want to either.) I need more space on my home drive. It says I'm over my quota.
Me: Let me check for you. Um, you have the entire Abba discography stored on your home drive. When you remove that, you'll drop below your quota.
Dickweed: How did that get there?
Me: Not by magic. Some unsupported applications use your home drive by default.
Dickweed: What would that be?
Me: It's in your iTunes folder, so I'm going to go with that.
A slight period where I explain where the folder is, how to get to it, and how to move the files.
Dickweed: There, the files are moved. Thanks!
A short period passes and the phone rings again.
Me: Hello, tech support.
Dickweed: Those files disappeared from my iPod.
Me: Like I care. I'm just glad they're off the server. Hmmm.
Dickweed: How do I get them back on?
Me: I don't know, I don't use iTunes and it's an unsupported app.
Dickweed: But I bought those.
Me: Not my freaking problem. You still have the files where we moved them to.
Dickweed: But how do I get them back on the iPod?
Me: Did I just tell you that I don't know how? Furthermore, I don't care. Dammit, I'll have to play the 'rephrase the same damn answer over and over again until you go away game.' I'm not sure. Perhaps if you looked in the iPod manual...Because I am not going to figure it out FOR you.
I usually start reading blogs at this point and practice all the possible variations of 'I don't know' until the endgame:
Dickweed: Maybe if I tried copying the files back to the original folder?
Me: That would put you over your quota again. So don't even try it.
Dickweed: So how can I get them back on there again?
Me: I think I need to come over there and kick you in the ass hard enough for you to savor the taste of poop. <practiced silence until>
Dickweed: Well. I guess I'll ask some friends and maybe check the manual.
Me: God forbid you read the manual and learn how to use your crap. Okay then, have a nice day.

I'm usually very willing to help and genuinely enjoy talking to most of my end users, but some people get me going. They're habitual idiots and I think most tech support/service oriented people get them. I should have more enjoyable tech support stories soon. Hell, I could probably do tech support Fridays.

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