Church, it does a blog good.

Every time I think, "There's no way I can possibly get more material from church," all I have to do is pull up and get proven wrong.
So I get to church and try to park...evidently the Pope issued a special edict that Catholics no longer have to park between the lines. This is good for me. I like special treatment like that. Of course, I'm pretty sure this is the same reason Martin Luther broke away...no spot for his damn horse.
We were late, so The Wife likes to pull the 'baby room' trick in an attempt fool Father into thinking we weren't really late. Whatever. We get there and there was this little girl. She was a cutie but she was non stop. Non. Stop. Srsly. If at one point she would have stopped and had to cut and snort another line of coke to keep going I would not have been shocked. She had those little girl shoes too. They made this sound on the floor: *thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* one way and *thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* the other way. Mom just let her go.
It's okay. It's my church and I expect this.
During the homily (I had to look that up, I was going to call it a 'sermon' but my acute Catholic senses told me that was wrong. Saved by 40 years of nigh paying attention.) Father was blathering on about something but it was hard to pay attention with all the *thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* one way and *thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* the other way. He also has an accent so what follows is totally not my fault.
Anyway, Father said the word 'basilica' at some point. With all the distractions though I heard this:

GODZILLICA!

RUN! It's the church come to strike you down with holy Jeebus fire! Repent now mofos! (I'm fairly certain that's how the pope refers to non-Catholics.)

Think how useful the Godzillica would have been during the crusades though. You could worship inside and then go kick some ass. Take THAT heathens!

The good thing about me mishearing something like this is that it burns a good 10 minutes of church while my little mind turns it over and over.

About this time another little girl, with a much lighter step, comes in and we start having a race around the baby room. Lil Miss Speedball was winning by a mile until:

*thump* *thump* *thump* *thump*...*WHUD*
Yeah, the ump says she was 'safe.'
She bounced right back up in time for mommy to actually dart forward -- Hey! Nice ink mommy! You're gonna need a lot of butt spackle to patch that crack though. -- and grab her girl. She held her around the waist, but I was pretty certain that anything less than a full-nelson wasn't going to do it. Nope, she was out of the pit in record time.
The Wife and The Boy left around this time. I assumed it was to go potty. Then about five minutes later I saw them heading up to the altar for the Holy Ritz.
Wha? Did I miss a memo? You leave me in here with speed racer and her mommy -- who I noted was wearing socks with her peep toed shoes. Is it me or is that wrong? -- and head off for crunchity waferness?
She got back and I leaned over. "You ditched me! No cookie for me today."
She just started laughing. See? Even The Wife works against me in church. How am I supposed to get all holy with all this material flying around?

Technorati Tags: Even if I did confession I'm pretty sure it wouldn't handle this

Sunday Randomness

Dear son,
Just because a pen is left out in the open, undefended, does not mean you have to use it to write on any piece of paper (including photographs) within reach. Thank you for you consideration in the future.

Sincerely,

The management

==========

The scene: We had Chinese food the other day. The restaurant is owned by a Chinese couple down the street. They're really nice. Anyway, we had the neighbor's girl over (she eats here as much as The Boy does sometime) and this was the conversation at one point:

Girl: "So do they speak Chinese?"
Me: "Yes they do. They immigrated."
Girl: "Cool, I wonder what it sounds like?"
The Boy: "Hola!"

Yeah, close enough for now buddy.

==========

Grandma was watching The Boy the other day and stopped over at the house. She accidentally tried the car keys in the door.

"You can't drive my house, Grammy!"

==========

Captcha Love  for the week:

 
I'm pretty sure this was the tech support guy's name when I called Verizon.

...and this was his last name

 

 
The election's over. Can we ease up on that already?

 

====================

I'm sneaking this in down here. People are going to start thinking I pay people for this stuff...

This award comes from Wayne over at Wayne John. He's a great guy and has a fantastic series on how to make Blogger work. If you need tips on how to do things in Blogger, this is the place to look. He also happens to be a twitterer extraordinaire.

This is a friendship award. It's the Proximidade Award. He tells me that "This blog invests and believes, in 'proximity' [meaning, that blogging makes us 'close' - being close through proxy]. These blogs are all charming and they aim to show the marvels of friendship. Lets give more attention to them! So with this prize we must deliver it to eight bloggers who in turn must make the same thing and put this text."

It also sorta makes my blog multi-cultural. You didn't know I could be so classy, huh?

So here are the eight people I award this to for being a part of my community of bloggers. My heartfelt thanks to them all for making blogging so rewarding. (They only let me pick eight people, I'd pick you all if I could. That and listing you all would take me way too much time.)

Mary Anne @ The Stiletto Mom

Jen @ Blissfully Caffeinated

Diane @ Diane's Addled Ramblings

Petra @ The Wise Young Mommy

Tony @ Life with Tony

Deb @ I Need a Martini Mom

Tara @ From Dawn Till Rusk

Mel @ Melanie in Oregon

Kelley @ Magneto Bold Too

 

Okay people, go relax...it's Sunday.

 

Technorati Tags: awards,randomosity

Words I can't shake

We all have them. They're either left over from high school or picked up from the streets as we move through life. Our 'go to' words when all else fails us. They're ingrained in us. No thought required most of the time. They just bubble to the surface unbidden. Here's a few of mine:

Boffo: To this day, I don't know where the hell I picked this up but I love it. I get the occasional strange look when I declare something 'boffo,' but I'm used to that. It just rolls off the tongue and makes everything extra awesome.

Gnarly: When I was in high school I used to make fun of people that used this word. It was a dumb surfer word. Then I went to college and started rock climbing. A lot. It was the perfect word. "Dude, that bracket you used to get to the top of the white lightning route was gnarly." or "Dude, you're gonna need stitches for that, it's just gnarly." (I just used some crazy glue and kept climbing btw, it was no where near gnarly enough for stitches.) Anyway, 'gnarly' is just too all-purposey for me and it's staying.

Dude: Yeah, there's no getting away from this one either. It's all purpose too. It's all in the inflection. It can be used in greeting, outrage, commiseration, surprise...it's a catch all. I should do an audio post for that to truly capture the essence. I think I'm too lazy to though. Dude.

Tard: This is probably my most anti-PC term. Hey, I'm a child of the 80's. I don't do politically correct. Besides, I use it to describe people like...um...me actually. Usually after a particularly smooth move. It's more like a term of endearment. If I didn't like you and you did something stupid, you'd be an asshole. But you're all 'tards in my book. You're welcome.

MoFo: This one is my newest. I picked it up to replace my previous favorite so that The Boy didn't go spouting that one off. See, I can be a role model. It's bad enough that he lets the occasional 'Jesus H. Christ' slip after he helps me work with plumbing.

Two quick asides while we're on the topic:

"What does the 'H' stand for, daddy?"

"Harold. You know, like the song, "Hark the Harold Angels sing."

(Yeah, I can't wait for the Catholic School to call after he tries to explain that to his class.)

and

"What does MoFo mean daddy?"

"It's just a funny word that grown-ups say...and only grown-ups say. We use it to describe the things in life that stymie us."

"Do the things go away then?"

"Nope, but we always have our funny word for small solace."

I have some others too, but those are the ones I catch myself with most often.

Now it's time for some commenty goodness: So what are the words you can't shake?

 

Technorati Tags: Words

Wrong Number

We switched to IP phones at work. This was a while back and ever since, I've been getting misdirected phone calls. Basically when someone dials a local number on the other side of the state, it gets redirected to our system here. Verizon insists that this isn't something that are responsible for, but that's their M.O. and another blog entry entirely.

The calls are the entertaining things. Voice messages are routed to my inbox so I can save all the really entertaining ones:

Message: "I was wondering when and where you want me to drop off this hot tub"

Well holy crap. A free hot tub? I wonder if I can get that guy to drive it 3 hours to my house? I'm not sure if I have the room for a hot tub though, so I may just have to resell it. I wonder what shipping would be on eBay?

Message: "Yeah, we're ready to have that grave dug. Give us a call when you would like to do it."

I wonder what the going rate is for grave digging? I can do that. The guy that was supposed to do it will never notice. It'll be sort of like it was subcontracted out. I'm thinking my shovel isn't going to cut it though and I don't have a backhoe handy, so I'll have to pass on that one too. I sure hope they call back and get the right number. That could potentially be an awkward situation.

Message: "You can come pick up the oxygen bottle."

What? I wonder what the market value is on an oxygen bottle? It's related to the medical industry, so I should be able to charge roughly 200,000% of its production price. This one may be worth looking into.

Message: "We're ready for a new oxygen bottle."

Okay, this one scares me. We're not provided with the caller ID's on numbers that are misdirected. Eventually I picked up the phone and caught this person to let them know that they should keep trying until they get the right number.

Message: "Kurt, the blade needs to be sharpened on line 8.

Sucks to be line 8 then, doesn't it?

Message: "You better get that money to me today or I'm coming over there."

Look lady, I don't have your money. If you can find me however, I will give you five dollars for your awe-inspiring stalker skills.

Message: "Kurt, the roller on line 8 is loose. We're worried that it's going to come off and hurt someone."

What the hell is up with line 8? Kurt better get his ass down there and straighten that out.

The really funny thing is that I eventually got hold of Kurt's number after a caller left it in a message. Calls for Kurt are my number one source of misdirected calls. When it's serious now on line 8, I usually call him and let him know. He's a nice guy.

P.S. If anyone wants to work with me on the grave digging, let me know. I know a guy. Well, not really, but he doesn't know that I don't know him.

Technorati Tags: misdirected phone calls,Verizon blows goats

Sunday Randomness

The school had a nice Halloween party where my son got as much candy as he did "walking the streets" for a sugar fix. They invited the parents so we could do all the taking of the movies and pictures. Okay, since you asked, here's one of Officer Boy:

 

Criminals everywhere were quaking in fear at his 'tough guy' face. Fortunately, we got this picture before the school handed out stampers along with candy goodness. After he got hold of that, he managed to stamp himself right between eyes. At least the stamp read, "Boo!"

The Boy actually enjoys giving candy more than trick or treating. He lasted about a half an hour on the walk and then helped us hand out candy. For a while at least. Then he walked over to the neighbors and helped them instead. 196 kids were served overall. Not too shabby.

The pop rocks are mine, stay away.

==========

The wife called me upstairs at one point in the week, pointed to the floor, and said, "What is that?"

I scrunched down and looked at the thin strand of something on the floor while she added, "I hope the cats don't have worms."

(The Wife has a case of extreme heebie jeebies when it comes to all things parasitic.)

I picked it up, stretched it, and said, "Yeah, these rubber band worms are horrible this time of year."

"Jerk."

(Hey, you chose to marry the smartass.)

===========

A few more captchas from this week:

In honor of most of the costumes out this Halloween:

(Slutted up Beyond All Recognition)

When your child paws a piece of prime candy for a few minutes before deciding that he or she doesn't want it:

("Ewww, I can't eat that. It's all defingly now." This also happens at birthday parties when the cake isn't guarded from 'icing probes.')

It was just odd that this one came up during a tooth fairy entry:

 

That's all I have people. Go be relaxed; it's Sunday.

 

 

Technorati Tags: sunday randomness