Irregularly Periodic Ruminations

I was sitting in church the today and noticed a few empty pews here and there. Now I'm no great Catholic by any means but I have a few ideas on how to pump the numbers for attendance.

I think that one of the main things to do is to promote goal before you get to the end goal. Something more immediate than the ethereal concept of 'eternal salvation.' How about, "Shooting laser beams from your hands!" zappity BVM

Look, the BVM can do it!
This, of course, would have to be a higher level ability. Sorta like those levels that those ~~idiots~~ Dianetics believers subscribe to except we have proof. Look, it's in the picture. There's like a million of those pictures all over the place.

What else have we got? That's right...transubstantiation! That's not wine dammit...that's real blood. The priest just made it. Poof! Nothing up his sleeve and no symbolism. I think a adding a few after dusk masses and the addition of Father Lestat will bring in those vampire wannabes in droves.

The cannibalism aspect of the big switcheroo is hard to push on anyone. Let's just go with, "Free Cookies!" Plain or chocolate chip ma'am?

We can appeal to the ladies as well. "Come see our big organ!" This may require some retrofitting of ill equipped churches, but the draw is well worth it.

Lastly, they really need to let those priests get some wives. These guys obviously need some sort of outlet. Come on already. This rule was obviously made by some dude who couldn't get laid back when they slapped this stuff together. I bet he slipped it into 'appendix C' and by the time the editing was done on the rest of the rules, they just passed it though without even checking. I think ultimately it'll save on a few lawsuits here and there.

Yup, those are some great ideas. I'll see if I can come up with some more. I have a feeling the big guy with the funny hat will be calling any day now to seek my advice on implementing those changes.